There has been a development regarding the applications. I thought I'd email the school I've been talking about for weeks to see what's happening. Turns out I've been wait-listed. As in I would be accepted only if there was any spots open. As in someone who did get accepted would have to decline, die, or choose another school instead. *sigh*

I was really heart broken and a little devastated getting the news. I know it isn't an absolute no, but its highly probable I won't get in this year. Which means I'm stuck for another year.

I cried and was pretty inconsolable for hours. SB was there for me and calmed me down. He even gave me the idea to check out local colleges that offer post-grad certificates and diplomas and are still accepting applications for the Fall/Winter intake.

After I calmed down and stopped throwing a hissy fit, I realised that I had put all my eggs in one basket and that it might be a good idea to try colleges over universities. They're cheaper, I'd be so much closer to my friends and they're much more hands-on then some universities. Of course, nothing would be better than doing my Master's in my dream school, but I need to re-evaluate.

My bigger concern is immigration over getting a degree. I can always pursue a master's later - probably pay less as I'd be considered a 'local' student vs an 'international' student.

What's been really awesome throughout this roller-coaster of emotions has been SB's support, as well as my mom's. I'd like to think I take rejection rather well, even though I may not act like it. Going to Canada has been a very, very, very long dream of mine - over 10 years and counting. I've bided my time, made compromises and never really made such a big effort until last year. Mostly because I wanted to get things right before attempting to migrate. I don't ever want to do anything shady or live like an alien without any rights. I am a law-abiding person. Plus family issues have prevented me from actively pursuing getting out of here.

But now I just want out. I love Dubai and it is and will always be my home, but I want out. I'm tired of hitting the expat-glass ceiling, the woman-glass ceiling and the desi-glass ceiling in regards to wages, attitudes and many other things. I'm tired of hearing how an Emirati/Arab/white dude who has half the experience and/or education as me gets paid over triple my current salary. I'm tired of hearing how some Arab staff got a few thousand extra as a 'inflation correction' to their current salary. I'm tired of feeling threatened in my own home. I'm tired of having to simmer and stew in frustration instead of being able to defend or protect myself. I've reached a point where I don't feel proud of who or what I am because of societal attitudes. I'm sick of double standards.

So now I will do whatever I can within legal means to get out of here. Even if it means doing a certificate or diploma or even a bachelors all over again instead of getting a Master's. Because I really want to get out.

Any moment now and I'll know if I'm in. Just to be on the safe side, I've applied to another fine institution - which means I now have two chances to get in.

Even though the waiting time has shortened from three months to now weeks, the time period gets longer as the days get shorter. The more I think about it, the more the wait seems to grow. Although time has passed by pretty fast due to our weekly movie dates, DnD and generally having a pleasant time with SB.

Big changes are currently happening at work - hopefully all good. Still very short on staff, so I feel bad for my boss if and when I get accepted into university and have to resign.

My plant-head is now balding and getting a weird white fuzz all over - perhaps its aging?

For those of you that know me on FB, I've become quite addicted to Vampire Wars and Castle Age in addition to a long-running, yet interest-waning Mafia Wars. Blame that on SB. Well no, can't blame him on much except for introducing me to them. The rest is all me - they are highly addictive, especially Castle Age.

Friday Edit: The above was written almost four days ago. Things at work have been really crazy. I was so agitated and irritated by everything I was close enough to quit. It was like trying to perform a delicate and complex neurosurgery using plastic cutlery. Being stuck in the middle of a corporate takeover with no IT support, no machines, no internet and then being expected to deliver things on time is just a sorry-ass joke. It reached a point where I wanted to tell the powers-that-be to stop jerking us around and give us the required support or just put us out of our misery and fire us. Because working everyday from 5pm to 7am and doing absolutely zilch due to nothing working was not something I cared to do indefinitely. I hate work. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

Tonight is going to be a very, very, very long night. I'm stuck with the slowpoke.

That lil nugget of info aside, I finally got my money back from P. I can finally shut that chapter of my life for good. I felt relief. I also felt sadness. Like when a distant-yet-fond-of relative dies, or a pet spider. I know I've spent many months grieving about this - so I shouldn't feel anything right now - right? I don't really. I mean I don't feel anything for him, yet seeing a bond die still hurts a bit. But not to worry, I'll get over it soon enough.

I've finally figured out what to do about a top-secret project, details of which I will reveal in due time. Sorry. But it's going to be very big indeed.

Mom has thawed a little, mainly due to the fact that SB sent her a sweet email introducing himself. She replied back and hopefully she no longer thinks of him as the devil's spawn. Not that he ever was, but she seemed to act that way.

Back to the grind.

Yes, I've not been blogging much. That would probably be due to actually having a social life, or any sort of life. Until I get dumped or find myself alone, you may see a big gap in posts.

My social life has largely been of the virtual sort. SB and I are doing great and there's no sign of it letting up anytime soon. Although the geophysical distance can be frustrating, it hasn't really affected our relationship as a whole. Funny thing is, I miss him and I don't. I'm lonely, but I'm not alone.

The internet and voice chat have been a blessing and an industrial-strength binder to our relationship. It not only makes the wait less frustrating, it's given us opportunity to really get to know each other - and it seems like we're a geeky match made in Heaven (or something on those lines if you don't believe in heaven). We talk regularly and I think I've spent almost every waking minute with him - hence why I don't miss him and why I don't feel alone.

I've also discovered a new passion. Well, it was always there in its latent form. But DnD has pretty much taken my passion for fantasy fiction to another level. It not only lets me walk into the realm of fantasy, but allows me to live and create my own universe with like-minded people. I have found my home. With SB and my best bud in it.

Oh, and if you're bored, you should try this funny lil game.

Another month or so for that damn letter to show up.

I've calmed down considerably after my previous outburst. There is a sort of cold-war/rocky-truce going on between my mother and I. I'm not quite sure what to do about, but I'm hurt enough to be a little petulent and not apologise yet.

I had sent a lovely Xmas card to SB around December 15/16th. I didn't expect it to arrive by Xmas day - Infact, I figured it would be in by maybe New Year's or shortly after. It's the 9th and still no sign of the card. So far, only Al has gotten his. It worries me a little. And they were such pretty cards.

Things between SB and I have been going great. I'm building an awesome rapport with his mum, which feels bittersweet. Bittersweet because it reminds me of my situation at home. His parents have been so awesome and accepting of me, yet my mom refuses to even know him. It makes me sad that she can't look beyond all the crap of my past (and hers), cultural differences and see how happy he makes me.

All she sees at the moment is that he is "non-Muslim". Oh, possibly "white" too. She doesn't see that he is loving, respectful and willing to learn about my culture and my religion. No, I'm not trying to convert him and I don't want to. To be honest, SB and I are very similar on our opinions about religion and spirituality. We don't agree on everything, but we do understand and respect each other's opinion and we agree on overall respect, acceptance and tolerance one should have for each other. I guess a sort of humanist view.

Our weekly movie dates have expanded into a sort of family night. Not only is it just the two of us, but his mom has joined us, with his dad hopefully joining in this week. It's my pick this time and I thought I would show "Rang De Basanti". Not only is it a brilliant film, but it will hopefully give them some insight into Indian history. As it is a long movie, we would probably watch it in two parts over two nights.

I think these weekly dates are a great way to mark and pass time until I finally land there. Plus, we get to watch more movies - him on Bollywood greats, me on some great Hollywood and indie films.

*sigh* I miss him.

I know I will probably be breaking my resolution, but by now I don't really give a flying fuck. This is one of those times where I feel so frustrated and trapped and I feel like no-one understands or cares. And I don't want the stupid 'be positive' and 'happy' crap. You don't have to deal with my shit, so don't even try to think it's small or silly.

Things came to a breaking point today when my mom wanted me to see a new TV series she's watching called Mahi Way, which is about an over-weight girl. She said I reminded her of that girl. I just screamed at her and stormed into my room. I cried hard before managing to pull myself together and head to work.

I am truly sick of my mom always bugging me about two things - my weight and the state of my uterus. I've spent over 15 years hearing that crap - no matter what I do, it all boils down to my weight and my period.

It's not like I haven't tried. I've gone to doctors, lost so much weight that my mom started complaining about me getting too thin. But nothing works - I still can't be like a 'normal' woman and get my period every month. It's just not happening. Other doctors hinted I should 'get married', a euphemism for getting laid. Tried that - no change. Short of trying to get pregnant (which is an absolute no-no), I've tried just about every single cure under the sun. Juices, prayers, expensive hormone treatments, shrinks - everything. It's reached a point where I fake getting my period every month to stop my mother from asking about it. Hey - she's not going to check to see if the napkins are bloody - as long as there are used napkins in the bin.

I am not trying to be melodramatic when I say I'd rather get a hysterectomy if that will make everyone just shut up. I am just that tired and frustrated.

I don't know if I will be able to have a kid or not. And frankly, that doesn't matter to me either. Why bring another innocent being into such a miserable world? Why is having someone that is genetically yours so important? If I truly wanted a child, I could care less if he/she were my own or someone else's. On the other hand, it is unfair to deprive my future partner, whoever that may be, the chance of having their own genetically-matched mini-hims.

So what do I do? Never get married? Never get involved because it is doomed to fail because I can't get my period? I am just reminded everyday by my mom, my sister and whoever else what a failure I am as a woman.

I am reminded of that every time I eat - how fattening each bite it is, regardless of the fact that my mom cooked it herself or that she ordered it. I am reminded of it each time I wake up, because I haven't eaten and I don't have time to eat before going to work. I am reminded of it each time I get home because I haven't eaten at work and dig something out of the fridge or pick something to eat on the way home. I am reminded of it each time we go out to eat and no matter what I order, it is 'not healthy'.

I hate food. Yet I love it. I can't enjoy anything I eat because I am reminded of how bad it is, how it is the cause of my weight and my missing period and how I am a big, fat failure as a woman because I can't have kids because of my missing period and how I'll die alone because no-one will love me because I'm so fat and I can't get my period and have children. And if anyone thinks any differently, then they must be a chubby-chaser or a freak. Which is what my mother clearly thinks about SB because there is no way he could possibly like me for me.

She said as much when I tried sharing my feeling about him, and trying to tell her about how happy he makes me. He's weird if he's a player, and weird if he's never had a girlfriend - he's the latter, btw. No matter what nice thing I told my mom about him, she would say something mean. And then she started on my weight - "lose some weight". I asked her how it was relevant to the topic. She replied, he won't like you otherwise. I said that he liked me the way I am, and that there's more to me than my weight. And she said, why? Does he like fat girls then? To which I just stormed off. It really hurt.

I am just so tired and frustrated about everything. I know my mom is an awesome and nice person, but I hate her when she goes on about things like this. I hate it so much that I just wish I could die.

Instead all I do is hate myself even more and decide to go on a hunger strike. From now on, all I'm ever going to have is ciggarettes every time I think of food, some water to prevent dehydration, and a small square of dark chocolate so that I don't faint due to low blood sugar.

I must go for a smoke now...

So we're now in a new decade and new year. I thought this lovely picture by a very talented photographer and fellow blogger would be apt for a post on the new year.

So how did I spend the last night of 2009? In short, a barbecue with the few friends left in Dubai, as well as with my sister and her friends. The longer version may have me cribbing about the many things that went wrong hat night. Like going camping in the desert without any wood or water. And being incredibly late. Also cooking in the freezing dark. But despite those little hiccups, I did enjoy my evening, and received a call from SB at the stroke of midnight to wish me a happy 2010. Followed by me calling him at 9am my time, his midnight, to wish him a happy new year. Although being quite groggy and sleep-deprived, I may have wished him happy birthday instead. I'm not quite sure.

Speaking of which, I think I may have a new year's resolution: to crib and bitch less about things that go wrong in my life. My life is far from perfect, so there's plenty of things I can bitch and moan about. But I've realised that my whining has gotten to a point where I start looking for things to criticize when there is none. If the night is perfect, I'll complain about something like someone showing up two seconds late.

More later...

PS: Hope y'all had a good New Year's Eve and an even better start to the new yearand decade.

Did this meme last year and thought it would be fun to visit it again this year. Do it if it pleases you, or simply bored:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Visit Canada. Actually finish an application for college. Meet new people, and renew old friendships. Travel on my own. Travel on a whim. Splurge and live a little. Go to more events in town. Online movie date. A proper date.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Never really made any resolutions this year. But I have made it a goal to get my rear end in Canada and begin studying by next year tops.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep - well not super close, but Facebook-close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Touchwood no. I didn't even have to kill dead people again to get out of work.

5. What countries did you visit?
USA. Canada. Yep, that's about it.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A steady relationship with a nice guy. A better pay and job. Better health. To do all of that in Canada preferably.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 1st - The day I started working at my current job.
November 23 - the day I landed in Canada the first time.
November 27th - the day SB and I hooked up. Also the day I went to my future-to-be campus.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not losing my job. Working as a night editor. Going to Canada. Completing my application to study in Canada.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing P forever.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness - yes. I don't do well with URTIs and caught plenty of them this year. The worst was the one I got after my Canadian trip - I was in bed for a full week. I'm a klutz so I've had loads of minor injuries this year. I bruise easily.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My gadgets, which included an XBox Live, LCD TV, new desktop, MacBook Pro, iPod nano, SE G900 and a laptop for my mom. *phew* I really did go bananas this year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sam. Mom. SB. Karen.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
P. Sis. Mom.

14. Where did most of your money go?
See question 11 *buries head in shame*

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Canada. Applying for Canadian universities. Being with SB. Meeting Karen.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
BEP's "I gotta Feeling"


17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier, same weight, poorer (see Q#11).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Avoid losers. Exercise more. Spend more time traveling.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Meet losers. Sleep.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Went to watch Avatar with my sister, followed by spending time talking to SB.

21. Did you meet/date anyone special in 2009?
SB. :D

[22 was missing] - darn it. I bet it was some sex related thing - perv!

23. How many one-night stands?
No comments :) But considerably less than last year.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Too many to count.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is too strong a word. Let's just say my respect for them has lessened. But not reached voodoo doll point. P, specifically.

26. What was the best book you read?
Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The stuff I discovered with SB. Sam Cooke's "Bring it on home"

28. What did you want and get?
SB. Well not him specifically, but just someone like him. Going to Canada.

29. What did you want and not get?
P. But now that I think about it, I'm better off without him. Also getting rejected when applying for the Canadian visit visa the first time. I got it after reapplying in person.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I watched quite a few movies this year. I would have to say my online movie dates with SB.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 25. Was working till late night because of the server crashing, but celebrated a nice, sit down dinner with friends the day after.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Knowing that I got in to my university of choice. But alas, I'll only know by February. Oh, and getting my money back from P.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Mostly jeans and a top, with loafers and moccasins. Hoodies. Hasn't changed much since last year.

34. What kept you sane?
Blogging. Mom. My working goal towards going to Canada.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
David Duchovny. More of a revival of a decade-old crush after watching him in Californication. Although I would also add Jonathan Rhys Meyer after seeing him The Tudors and Elvis.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The global economic crisis and its effects on Dubai.

37. Who did you miss?
My size 10 waist. And SB. Karen. All my friends in Canada and America. And P - I miss his friendship more than anything, although as of now I want nothing to do with him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Karen! SB of course. Actually, all the people I met on my trip to Canada, and even my US trip.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Things don't happen the way you want them to. Yet, everything does work out in the end. And if they don't - then it's not over yet. As SRK said - "The movie is not over until the happy ending".

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I gotta feeling
That tonight's gonna be a good night... :)

Happy Holidays folks! And here's to an awesome 2010!

I've been tagged by Karen. Well not really. But I feel like doing a meme. It's quite simple: list 7 things about myself. So *cracks knuckles* here goes:

1) I desperately want a cat. Ok, so perhaps my nearest and dearest know that, but I really do want a kitty of my own to love and to cherish. While any cat will do at this point, I'd prefer a birman cat. They are simply gorgeous!

2) I am an incredibly flaky person. My moods change, and so does my taste in many things.

3) I love food wayyyyyyy too much to ever get an eating disorder. I think it has to do with the flakiness - I may stop eating, but then it lasts for a few days and I'm back stuffing my face. Bulimia is not an option either as I rather like my teeth. *sigh* I have zero will power regarding food - which leaves me with 4.

4) I hate to exercise. I'd rather relax. I NEED to exercise, but I sure do hate doing it. Let me amend that. I LOVE to exercise when I'm doing it. I hate trying to muster up the ambition to do it. That's the difficult part for me. Its easier to just stay home and snuggle down with my current squeeze (be it man, pet or toy). If the gym were right next door I'd be all set (although in my case, that may not be enough either). I'm lazy, I guess. I often marvel at people's dedication to looking and feeling good, and their ambition to make that happen. I want it to happen without the work. But one glance at my flabby skin tells me that it never will. And that makes me sad. (yes, I did just copy-paste this from Karen's - but it describes me perfectly)

5) Despite not being very religious, I have a strong aversion to pork. Most people don't get that I NEVER want to eat it. It may be Muslim guilt, it may not. But it's my hang-up ok? Some people like eating only red M&Ms, or hate mushrooms. Mine is pork. Stop bugging me. Or deceiving me.

6) I am a closet bookaholic/bibliophile. I have more books than space to keep them. Most women have this thing for shoes. For me, it's books. I get very upset if I lose any of them.

7) I am in head-over-heels, butterflies-in-tummy, crazy in lurve. *huge grin*

If you're reading this, you're tagged. If not, meh.

The year has flown by in a blur of emotions. So has the last decade - a very crucial, emotionally challenging decade. So many things have happened to shape who I've become. I graduated not only from high school, but from university too. I've been working at my first job for over two years now. I love what I do, even if it doesn't get the approval I crave from certain people. I doubt I ever will, unless I'm nothing short of being a doctor.

The year started on a good note, and then things got worse from there. Ok, it could have been much worse. I could have been laid off from work instead of being transferred. I could have had a drastic pay-cut. I am blessed that there are those, old and new, who believe in me at work. I just have to remind myself of that at times.

Personally, my life has been very, very complicated this entire year. Relationship and family-wise. The good thing out of the entire fiasco was being able to bond much closer with my mom. My relationship with my mom hasn't been an easy one. There are many, many things that I don't tell her about myself because I'm scared of being a disappointment. I also do it to protect her in some weird thought process. I don't ever want her to feel that she did any less for me, or that she is in anyway responsible for the bad things I've done or become.

Going to Canada for a visit and applying for my Master's was the best thing I could have done for myself this year. As much as Dubai is my home and my love, I know that I need to get out for a while to grow. To be a better person. And Canada is where I need to go to grow as a professional and as a person.

I also met SB. I think I may have said the same thing about Jeff last year. Although there are BIG differences between the two, I guess a part of me is worried that I may be repeating history again. But it can't be, can it?

They are as different as night and day. Jeff, while being gentlemanly, was always so secretive about himself. If it weren't for meeting him just once, I could have imagined the entire thing. I had no way of keeping in touch or even knowing if he's alive beyond an email address. Which wasn't very reassuring. He'd disappear for days, even weeks, and I'd be left in a sobbing mess of nerves, worrying for his safety. He'd always say something, but mean something else. I was so adamant to want to make the relationship work that I ignored the fact that there were many things that we didn't have in common. I guess I didn't want to be a failure. I never wanted to tell my mom about him because I wanted enough time with him before involving my folks. Yet he nagged and nagged and I finally gave in before I was ready. Then he threw me to the wolves and disappeared, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Telling my folks isn't like how people in the west introduce their girlfriend/boyfriend. When you tell my folks, that means its serious - the marrying-type serious. I had no face to show my mother after that fiasco.

Then there is SB. Sweet, innocent, and a gentleman. He plays no games with me - I don't have to scheme and manipulate to get any contact information out of him. I wanted to mail him an Xmas card and I asked him for his mailing address. Without asking why, he gave it to me. It was as simple as that. I found it too easy. I asked him whether that was his real address. He got shocked and said "of course, why wouldn't it be?". He wants to stay in touch and I know where he is most of the time. His mom knows about me and I've had the pleasure of speaking with her. He treats me, spoils me even. Well compared to past relationships, I feel very spoiled. He hasn't pressured me into doing anything I don't want to do, even in regards to my mom. He wants to get to know my mother, versus nagging me to inform her that we are dating. He wants to ask her permission to come see me in Dubai. It feels so easy talking to him, and we have many, many common interests. Even if we don't, we try each other's opinion and if we still don't agree, we agree to disagree. The best part is that he listens without judging. He is mature as an individual, without the corruptness and asshole-ness that comes with playing men his age. I credit that to not just him, but to his parents for raising him right.

We started a weekly movie date - we watch a movie together while chatting online. It started when we were discussing music and I introduced him to this song:

Sappy as it may be, it is very beautiful and the lyrics are so emotive, expressive. He got so curious about the song and its role in the movie that we ended up watching it together (with subtitles, of course). He loved the movie and I may have made a SRK fan out of him. He is so eager to learn about me and my culture, which I never felt with anyone else who wasn't Hindi/Urdu speaking. It isn't one-sided - I am learning a lot more about him too.

I do hope this is all worth it.