Insomnia has struck me again. The past few weeks have me thinking too much and making me feel like the human race is going to hell in a hand-basket. It makes me feel scared of stepping outside. Women being raped, children being raped, LGBT being bullied and/or raped, people being blown up at events - what is wrong with us?!
I've come to the realization that I'm an atheist. If I believe in any deity, it would probably the innumerable Lords of Chaos. Lady Luck. A deity that represents the abstraction of randomness and chaos. Because if there were truly any omnipotent, omniscient benevolent being who had any sort of control, all this shit happening wouldn't happen. Even blaming it on the will power of humans only makes an omniscient God look stupid - why create such a chaotic creature such as the human race? Why create us with free thinking (and the ability to also do very cruel things) and then punish us for using it?
I realize I'm not a very good debater and I usually do not like engaging in debates with someone because even if they disagree with me, I don't like being beaten down in a battle of wills - even when their reasoning is flawed and illogical. I am not very articulate - at least not in a quick-thinking way. I'm much better at taking a step back and trying to write down how I feel and collect my thoughts. I have so much to say, but I find it hard to say anything.
I'm turning 29 on Monday. I also realized one of the reasons I ever want kids is a weird fascination of seeing SB's genes mixing with mine. We might have cute baby(ies). Another reason is because I miss the special attention I got at the wedding and I'm jealous of SB's cousin recently having a kid. My MIL (the kid's grand aunt) is baby-crazy and wishes she had more kids than just SB. So I wish she'd be that way with me. Other than that, I honestly don't want a kid. I'm selfish, and I enjoy having our tiny little apartment with our two furry babies. I am already close to being clinically depressed (if not already), and I'm sure I'll hate the baby and have a very long postpartum depression. Heck, if I do get pregnant and have a kid, I'd be happy to give it to my MIL - she can take care of it. I like my kitties just fine. SB feels the same way as me.
Reading all the horrible misogyny and prevalent rape culture has started affecting my intimacy with SB. It's not just the lack of sexiness from reading about how women are blamed and not at all supported when they are sexually assaulted. It's when SB snuggles with me and I'm turned off from reading everything that makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to be intimate with him and I try to push through my lack of libido (especially since it's through reading such depressing reports). But when I'm struggling to show any emotion and work through the rut I feel, I end up feeling like the women I read about. SB is not pushy at all - in fact, he is anything but pushy. I've told him how I feel and he respects me. If we ever want sex, I need to intiate it, even though SB does frequently show his love and attention through hugs and kisses. It isn't him, it's me. But I feel so confused and mind-fucked. I also feel previous emotions that I've managed to repress and forget over time resurface again. It makes me want to never have sex with anyone ever again. And when I do have sex (because I feel bad for SB and I want to keep our intimacy going), it feels mechanical and uncomfortable.
I sometimes wish I didn't think so much or care so much. It hurts so much to think about everything.
PS: The one thing that makes me feel just a bit better is the sight of my two little boys curled up and napping, shifting ever so slightly like humans do in their sleep. And listening to the sounds of their snoring calms me a little. Even SB's infuriating snoring (I can't sleep when he snores like the idling engine of the largest and loudest truck) joining in with the kitties' quieter snoozes make me feel a little bit safer in my our home.
Search Media Junkie
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Alone
I've been feeling a weird mix of emotions the past few days and rather than be a drama queen or vague on Facebook, I'd rather just put it out here where I can say what I feel and most likely no one I know will ever read it and think I'm being silly (or a drama queen).
I'm lonely. I want friends. The friends I have are not in the same town as me. The friends I do have, I feel like I'm the one always making the effort to reach out. I feel like if I just stopped all contact, they wouldn't realize I'm gone for days. SB and I play games together all the time, but I also want to play with other people for the novelty and excitement that comes with playing with other players. But I want the other players to be my friends. But my friends already have planned play-dates with other friends or are too busy for me.
Maybe it is me.
That makes me sad, lonely and depressed. It makes me cry everyday. It makes me feel more isolated and alone. It makes me wish I could go to bed and never wake up.
Instead, I wash my face up before SB gets home and act like nothing is wrong. I play Skyrim to pass the time and to distract myself from this growing feeling of despair. I do most of the house chores. I play Borderlands 2 with him when he is home.
But the feeling never goes away and each day it just grows bigger and bigger.
I'm lonely. I want friends. The friends I have are not in the same town as me. The friends I do have, I feel like I'm the one always making the effort to reach out. I feel like if I just stopped all contact, they wouldn't realize I'm gone for days. SB and I play games together all the time, but I also want to play with other people for the novelty and excitement that comes with playing with other players. But I want the other players to be my friends. But my friends already have planned play-dates with other friends or are too busy for me.
Maybe it is me.
That makes me sad, lonely and depressed. It makes me cry everyday. It makes me feel more isolated and alone. It makes me wish I could go to bed and never wake up.
Instead, I wash my face up before SB gets home and act like nothing is wrong. I play Skyrim to pass the time and to distract myself from this growing feeling of despair. I do most of the house chores. I play Borderlands 2 with him when he is home.
But the feeling never goes away and each day it just grows bigger and bigger.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
The PC Shuffle
I honestly can not think of anything witty, insightful, or even remotely useful today. I could talk about the fun I have creating new characters to play in SB's current 3.5 D&D campaign. Hubby dearest has started DMing a new campaign with lore and legend created by me. I have the brains and creativity, but not the expertise to run a game on my own. Also, it seems to be that most people never respond to my attempts at starting a game. Or most initiatives I create. It's quite pathetic.
Anyhow, I'm currently working on a third playable character build for myself. The current world is inspired by Ancient Greece and has that age's sensibilities, culture, geography, etc - but with the basic D&D races (elves, dwarves, halflings, etc) and their cultures thrown in too. Humans have the most populous cities, towns, countries and most other races and subraces have been pushed towards the more wilder terrain and outlying parts of the world. All the party members are human with the exception of two characters that have died/left the game. My first character was a human archer named Aria who basically could shoot anything with a bow and arrow and was a skilled trick-arrow maker - a female Hawkeye. I probably would have still been playing her if two other players didn't also decide that they wanted to make archers as well.
For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, most party dynamic conventions favor a well-balanced party: you have a melee hitter/fighter who can act as the 'heavy' or 'tank' and deal decent to good damage; a striker who is usually a rogue or an archer-build fighter/ranger and deals lots of damage but not as durable as the fighter; a mage who deals magical damage and some useful utility spells like buffs/debuffs; and a healer who can also buff/debuff but usually is there to dish out lots of healing spells in combat. Most players tend to take at least one role but usually two. Not all roles are essential and the most interesting parties have been ones that miss a role or two and usually involve creative ways to compensate for the missing role. However in our party of five, having three archers, two heavies and no healer was a recipe for disaster, especially when dealing with the monsters SB was throwing at us.
So I thought I'd be more useful being a pure mage with some utility magic. Our campaign allows gestalting of characters, which means we level two classes simultaneously. So I made a Beguiler-Bard combo. This new character is the master of disguises, a magical grifter. With a little min-maxing, my Charisma score (which is needed for casting, most diplomatic and social skills) was through the roof. She's also not a strong or dexterous character, making her an incredibly squishy character. But her strategy and spell selection gives her many opportunities to escape, negate damage or just disappear. She keeps changing her name in every town and has gotten to the point where even the party members have forgotten what her real name is. To be honest, I never actually gave her a name - I thought it would be fun tossing different musical-sounding girl names - part of the character's flavor.
So far in the campaign, we've come across loads of undead monsters and constructs. That means they're immune to critical and precision damage (that's extra damage that most classes build towards so that they can really knock something down), immune to most mind-affecting spells (which most of my spells are) and are just nasty. Our party is pretty much close to dead every encounter and one of our party members did actually die. We hauled his behind back to town and spent a small fortune trying to resurrect him. With my very persuasive skills and high charisma, we managed to convince the town noble to pay half the resurrection cost.
Fast forward to a few play sessions later and I'm having fun with my character - but I'm also very close to dying whenever I do get hit by baddies. So for funzies, I've started building a third character should my Beguiler bite it. I suppose I could just resurrect the character instead of making a new one - but where's the fun in that? We don't play D&D often enough and I've got so many character concepts I want to play with that it just makes more sense to make new characters than hang on to old ones.
My new character build is something on the lines of a modified Dread Necromancer, but with positive energy and the ability to control, command and create deathless minions. SB and I are modifying it and naming the new class as Deathless General. The character story here is that she was a priestess of Hades whose temple got ransacked by the victors of a civil war. Fed-up with playing nice and getting violated for all her trouble, she uses the powers she has to create a vigilante posse of deathless minions who want to punish the wicked and those who desecrate the dead. Deathless creatures are similar to the undead, but are made of positive energy and are creatures of good - think tomb guardians protecting a burial site. So she makes her army of deathless from fallen comrades in battle who volunteer to join her crusade to wipe out the wicked. Because a lot of her powers lie in the forbidden necromancy school and the common NPC can't tell the difference between undead and deathless, most people believe she is a heretic. Her other class is Favored Soul, who is basically a spontaneous divine caster that gets wings, damage resistance and energy resistances - making her a tougher spellcaster. Haven't thought of a name, but her placeholder name for now is 'Sister Nikki'.
Anyhow, I'm currently working on a third playable character build for myself. The current world is inspired by Ancient Greece and has that age's sensibilities, culture, geography, etc - but with the basic D&D races (elves, dwarves, halflings, etc) and their cultures thrown in too. Humans have the most populous cities, towns, countries and most other races and subraces have been pushed towards the more wilder terrain and outlying parts of the world. All the party members are human with the exception of two characters that have died/left the game. My first character was a human archer named Aria who basically could shoot anything with a bow and arrow and was a skilled trick-arrow maker - a female Hawkeye. I probably would have still been playing her if two other players didn't also decide that they wanted to make archers as well.
For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, most party dynamic conventions favor a well-balanced party: you have a melee hitter/fighter who can act as the 'heavy' or 'tank' and deal decent to good damage; a striker who is usually a rogue or an archer-build fighter/ranger and deals lots of damage but not as durable as the fighter; a mage who deals magical damage and some useful utility spells like buffs/debuffs; and a healer who can also buff/debuff but usually is there to dish out lots of healing spells in combat. Most players tend to take at least one role but usually two. Not all roles are essential and the most interesting parties have been ones that miss a role or two and usually involve creative ways to compensate for the missing role. However in our party of five, having three archers, two heavies and no healer was a recipe for disaster, especially when dealing with the monsters SB was throwing at us.
So I thought I'd be more useful being a pure mage with some utility magic. Our campaign allows gestalting of characters, which means we level two classes simultaneously. So I made a Beguiler-Bard combo. This new character is the master of disguises, a magical grifter. With a little min-maxing, my Charisma score (which is needed for casting, most diplomatic and social skills) was through the roof. She's also not a strong or dexterous character, making her an incredibly squishy character. But her strategy and spell selection gives her many opportunities to escape, negate damage or just disappear. She keeps changing her name in every town and has gotten to the point where even the party members have forgotten what her real name is. To be honest, I never actually gave her a name - I thought it would be fun tossing different musical-sounding girl names - part of the character's flavor.
So far in the campaign, we've come across loads of undead monsters and constructs. That means they're immune to critical and precision damage (that's extra damage that most classes build towards so that they can really knock something down), immune to most mind-affecting spells (which most of my spells are) and are just nasty. Our party is pretty much close to dead every encounter and one of our party members did actually die. We hauled his behind back to town and spent a small fortune trying to resurrect him. With my very persuasive skills and high charisma, we managed to convince the town noble to pay half the resurrection cost.
Fast forward to a few play sessions later and I'm having fun with my character - but I'm also very close to dying whenever I do get hit by baddies. So for funzies, I've started building a third character should my Beguiler bite it. I suppose I could just resurrect the character instead of making a new one - but where's the fun in that? We don't play D&D often enough and I've got so many character concepts I want to play with that it just makes more sense to make new characters than hang on to old ones.
My new character build is something on the lines of a modified Dread Necromancer, but with positive energy and the ability to control, command and create deathless minions. SB and I are modifying it and naming the new class as Deathless General. The character story here is that she was a priestess of Hades whose temple got ransacked by the victors of a civil war. Fed-up with playing nice and getting violated for all her trouble, she uses the powers she has to create a vigilante posse of deathless minions who want to punish the wicked and those who desecrate the dead. Deathless creatures are similar to the undead, but are made of positive energy and are creatures of good - think tomb guardians protecting a burial site. So she makes her army of deathless from fallen comrades in battle who volunteer to join her crusade to wipe out the wicked. Because a lot of her powers lie in the forbidden necromancy school and the common NPC can't tell the difference between undead and deathless, most people believe she is a heretic. Her other class is Favored Soul, who is basically a spontaneous divine caster that gets wings, damage resistance and energy resistances - making her a tougher spellcaster. Haven't thought of a name, but her placeholder name for now is 'Sister Nikki'.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Bashes, Soirées, Dinners - Oh My!
Well, I broke my previous post's resolution already. Not that it matters - I'm sure the few loyal readers left don't mind/care. Easter was also quite the busy affair - I baked the main dessert for two big family dinners over this weekend. In our friends and family circle, end of February marks what I like to call the 'birthday brigade'. It starts of with a friend, then his wife, then my father-in-law, myself, SB, and more friends. The birthdays are also no more than 2-3 weeks apart, hence the continuous string of birthday bashes. Summer gives us more breathing room, and then two or three more birthdays leading into Christmas. Thus, the cycle begins again in the new year.
SB and a friend got together to give me an early birthday present. My other baby (computer) was doing well, but aging. Things were taking forever to load, games were stuttering and I could tell that tasks that normally weren't an issue for baby were now making her gasp and sputter. So SB and Sam got together and got me a new processor, motherboard, RAM upgrade and a license for Win7 64-bit. Now my baby flies like the wind: I can play Skyrim on a high resolution, alt-tabbing happens as fast as I think it and it's the best gift I could have gotten in a long time. So thank you, my sweet hubby. And my best friend. You both made my day.
I'll end this post with a something that will make you smile:
PS: I did say that my posts were going to be quite random.
SB and a friend got together to give me an early birthday present. My other baby (computer) was doing well, but aging. Things were taking forever to load, games were stuttering and I could tell that tasks that normally weren't an issue for baby were now making her gasp and sputter. So SB and Sam got together and got me a new processor, motherboard, RAM upgrade and a license for Win7 64-bit. Now my baby flies like the wind: I can play Skyrim on a high resolution, alt-tabbing happens as fast as I think it and it's the best gift I could have gotten in a long time. So thank you, my sweet hubby. And my best friend. You both made my day.
I'll end this post with a something that will make you smile:
PS: I did say that my posts were going to be quite random.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Being a missus
It's been a while. And yes, I always start with this. But it really has been - over six months and counting. Well, I did get married and the picture above is a little glimpse into the fun and madness that was our wedding.
To be honest, I never imagined what my wedding would be like. Not even a little. I didn't even think I would get married, which probably made my theoretical 'dream' wedding even more obscure and unformed. I guess I knew I was going to wear red (or dark pink) and it was probably going to be either a saree or something similar. But all the other details? Drew up a huge blank.
But when SB and I decided to get married, I suddenly found myself having to think about what I wanted for our wedding. Luckily, he had no clue either so we both had a blank canvas to work with. And it made me think: what was important for me? For us? We wanted good food. Good music. And keep both families happy and included on our special day. Oh, and most importantly, we wanted a secular marriage but have both cultures and traditions celebrated.
It was a fine line to balance on. My mom wanted to have a nikah, while his parents couldn't care less about religion. Turns out a nikah is no different from a civil marriage but includes a mehr (or wedding gift a groom gives a bride which she retains after marriage.) I don't care about a mehr and again, we didn't want religion to complicate things. So civil ceremony it was. And a very short one too - about 15 minutes.
We've been to other weddings and we didn't want folks to be passive participants who were there for just the food and booze. Well, the food was awesome, but we wanted everyone to dance and be on the dance floor and have fun so no long procession of 'first' dances or anything.
My best friends flew in a few days before and it was so much fun - they were my lifesavers during the crazy weekend that was our big day.
EDIT: I tried to get this post up and running shortly after the wedding madness but *sigh* life has a way of catching up on you. My memory is not as fresh as it should have been (had I finished this post on time), but I will try to complete and post this darn thing. Part of my resolution to try write something everyday, even if it's crap/personal/random. I want to seriously pursue becoming a writer of some kind and the only way to be one is to actually start writing. So here we go.
My best friends were definitely my lifesavers. I am a control freak and I did a lot of things by myself (or with minimal help) because I wanted to - and to save money. It was sometimes frustrating to be taken for granted by both sets of parents and the older generation. I designed, proofed, printed, folded and did all the invitations and thank you cards by myself - SB helped with the folding and making of them. So them continuously criticizing and saying things like "we never did stuff like this in my day" got old very fast. I had to grit my teeth from saying "I just saved you hundreds of dollars, not to mention I made something special and personal that celebrates us as a couple and you would rather pay that amount for a bland card? Instead of maybe, saving that or spending it on good food?". I also was the DJ for our wedding. Ok, so I wasn't the one actually pressing the play button at the venue, but I spent days making a playlist, finding the tunes, making sure that both sides of the family got to hear stuff they wanted, accommodate requests AND prepare a system that was fool-proof for my friend who was playing MC. My mother-in-law is a sweetheart and she did a lot of work. But I was definitely pulling teeth trying to get everything finalised and make sure everything was done on time - perhaps I am my mother's daughter, although she'd never say I am since she thinks I'm the world's most disorganised slob (according to her). So being called a Bridezilla really hurt me. We didn't even have the food finalised (or even found a caterer) until a month before our wedding.
So yes, it was all very stressful and I was happy my friends were there to help me deal with all the stress and craziness of the week. We had an awesome (and crazy) bachelorette party, while my friends and SB friends planned a fun bachelor party, eventually culminating in both parties getting combined. I'm not going to go into details of why and what happened, but it was great and we all had an awesome time.
The one phrase that SB invented that I totally adore and use frequently now is "it's like herding cats". SB, with my MIL's aid, hired a mini-van to pick my relatives up and had just enough space and seating to fit himself and my family who flew in for the wedding: my mom, two of my aunts, an uncle, a cousin and a family friend. Throughout the week, SB dutifully carted them around from hotel to mall, mall to another place, etc. He was their chauffeur. But trying to get them all ready to get to a place was like herding cats - really difficult.
Aside from that detour from my momentary whining, the week was fun and a real blur in my mind. We didn't immediately go for a honeymoon as SB had to work after the wedding. But we managed to take a few days off three months later and spent a long weekend in Montreal. It's a beautiful city and reminds me of an old European city - there were places where they still had cobblestones and horse-drawn carriages, architecture from two centuries ago. It felt like a completely different world even though we're in the same country. It would have been more magical if I hadn't come back from Dubai with a nasty cold and cough. I suppose we could have waited and gone later, but SB had taken time off and I didn't want to wait for almost nine months after our wedding to go in spring. We needed some "we time".
So how is married life for me? Not that different from before we got married. I see that as a good thing. It means we both made the right choice. SB is my best friend, the love of my life. We work well together. We agree on most things and I love that he is always so supportive of me and always on my side, and I for him.
We also expanded our family shortly after we got married. A day after my family left, we brought home our little bundle of joy:
We named him Oreo. I've been wanting to have a cat for years now and we both finally did it. He is our little bundle of joy and he's grown up far too fast.
And this St Patrick's day, we got lucky again:
We adopted another cat from a rescue shelter. We named him Albie, short for Albert Stroller, a character we like from the TV show Hustle. The last picture shows both our boys together: Oreo on top, being the playful, not-so-little guy and Albie, the more laid-back, chilled cat of the two.
Our family is complete.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Messy
It's lonely just having me and my head all day to talk to, converse and talk about my feelings. Incase you're wondering, SB and I have moved out into our own apartment. It's a really nice one-bedroom apartment that's very central to downtown Kitchener and Uptown Waterloo and just across SB's workplace - so we save on gas. I'm still unemployed, although now I'm voluntarily staying unemployed - someone needs to be home to handle all the wedding planning, apartment repairs and such.
Oh, and did I mention apartment repairs? So, we had a leaky ceiling - so the maintenance guys came in and made a gigantic hole in the bathroom ceiling and it's been that way for a week while whatever leaky piping they fixed dries up to prevent any water damage to the structure. And then about a few days ago, there was someone two floors above us that had a backed up drain that caused all their water to flood our kitchen and living room. Luckily, SB caught it in time and we just have a soaking wet rug and a wall, but that involved maintenance coming in and moving all our furniture in one direction, tearing out the rug and blasting two incredibly large fans continuously onto the living room carpet for the past three days and now they're going to tear up the floorboards and wall to repair the water damage. Thankfully, I don't pay a penny for it, but having to deal with all this two weeks in to our new home is making me a little cranky.
But I can't really share this with SB because he's busy working 7 days a week. When he's not working at the hospital during the week, he works at a computer store on the weekends. All so that we have enough money for both of us to pay rent and eat. He wouldn't work so hard if I had a job, but with all these repairs and the wedding coming up and my immigration issues to work out, I don't have time to work. Plus, the fact that I have to travel every six months does not make future employers very happy with me. People think that my traveling makes me rich, spoiled and pampered. I get to go home every six months. They have no idea that my jaunt to Dubai is me having to go back to handle immigration issues and family business and financial things because they require me physically present to complete them. I really don't have much fun on my visits back. I hardly see my friends - if at all. Only the last trip was any real fun - because I got to shop for my wedding and meet my family. Even then, it was such a short trip that I had to stuff as many things as possible in each day.
Anyhow, I thought I could commiserate with my mother over the state of the house. So I tell her the house is topsy-turvy and messy because I haven't been able to unpack because of all the repairs. And then she tells me, "But you're always so messy." And that hurt.
For those of you that don't know my mother, she's a neat-freak of the OCD-kind. Everything is in its place, and they're all neatly tucked away. My style of organisation is a little different. I tend to neatly pack away things I don't use much and as such, don't move around as much. Things that I use frequently tend to be in little piles of chaos, similar to say a journalist's office or a normal paper-pusher's desk in a cubicle. But that's far to chaotic for my mother and hence she thinks I'm an incredibly filthy slob.
SB is neater than me, but only slightly more. We have similar ways of organizing things, so it works out well for us. However, when we moved in, I really tried to have a fresh start and quickly unpack things so that I can have friends and family over to show of the place and have a cozy home that I can invite friends over to. Something to prove to my mom that I can be a good home-person and a good wife and mother. Because she certainly doesn't think I can as she continuously reminds me because I'm fat and a slob. So when the flooding and leaking started, I cracked and despaired. Still despairing. Because now I'll never be able to have my house up on time to invite folks over and be a good hostess. And our house will always be a mess.
It makes me wonder many times a day why I even bother waking up anymore. Or living. This isn't a suicide threat or a call for help. I'm not going to off myself. But I just don't feel like doing anything anymore - or even bother trying. I feel so alone and helpless. I have no friends to talk to. And it's hard making friends because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone or tell them how I feel like - like in this blog.
SB keeps reassuring me that everything will be alright and that this is temporary. In my mind, I know he's right. But for now, I feel so alone. And it hurts that my mom called my house messy and me a slob.
End of rant.
Oh, and did I mention apartment repairs? So, we had a leaky ceiling - so the maintenance guys came in and made a gigantic hole in the bathroom ceiling and it's been that way for a week while whatever leaky piping they fixed dries up to prevent any water damage to the structure. And then about a few days ago, there was someone two floors above us that had a backed up drain that caused all their water to flood our kitchen and living room. Luckily, SB caught it in time and we just have a soaking wet rug and a wall, but that involved maintenance coming in and moving all our furniture in one direction, tearing out the rug and blasting two incredibly large fans continuously onto the living room carpet for the past three days and now they're going to tear up the floorboards and wall to repair the water damage. Thankfully, I don't pay a penny for it, but having to deal with all this two weeks in to our new home is making me a little cranky.
But I can't really share this with SB because he's busy working 7 days a week. When he's not working at the hospital during the week, he works at a computer store on the weekends. All so that we have enough money for both of us to pay rent and eat. He wouldn't work so hard if I had a job, but with all these repairs and the wedding coming up and my immigration issues to work out, I don't have time to work. Plus, the fact that I have to travel every six months does not make future employers very happy with me. People think that my traveling makes me rich, spoiled and pampered. I get to go home every six months. They have no idea that my jaunt to Dubai is me having to go back to handle immigration issues and family business and financial things because they require me physically present to complete them. I really don't have much fun on my visits back. I hardly see my friends - if at all. Only the last trip was any real fun - because I got to shop for my wedding and meet my family. Even then, it was such a short trip that I had to stuff as many things as possible in each day.
Anyhow, I thought I could commiserate with my mother over the state of the house. So I tell her the house is topsy-turvy and messy because I haven't been able to unpack because of all the repairs. And then she tells me, "But you're always so messy." And that hurt.
For those of you that don't know my mother, she's a neat-freak of the OCD-kind. Everything is in its place, and they're all neatly tucked away. My style of organisation is a little different. I tend to neatly pack away things I don't use much and as such, don't move around as much. Things that I use frequently tend to be in little piles of chaos, similar to say a journalist's office or a normal paper-pusher's desk in a cubicle. But that's far to chaotic for my mother and hence she thinks I'm an incredibly filthy slob.
SB is neater than me, but only slightly more. We have similar ways of organizing things, so it works out well for us. However, when we moved in, I really tried to have a fresh start and quickly unpack things so that I can have friends and family over to show of the place and have a cozy home that I can invite friends over to. Something to prove to my mom that I can be a good home-person and a good wife and mother. Because she certainly doesn't think I can as she continuously reminds me because I'm fat and a slob. So when the flooding and leaking started, I cracked and despaired. Still despairing. Because now I'll never be able to have my house up on time to invite folks over and be a good hostess. And our house will always be a mess.
It makes me wonder many times a day why I even bother waking up anymore. Or living. This isn't a suicide threat or a call for help. I'm not going to off myself. But I just don't feel like doing anything anymore - or even bother trying. I feel so alone and helpless. I have no friends to talk to. And it's hard making friends because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone or tell them how I feel like - like in this blog.
SB keeps reassuring me that everything will be alright and that this is temporary. In my mind, I know he's right. But for now, I feel so alone. And it hurts that my mom called my house messy and me a slob.
End of rant.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Holidays...
Don't get me wrong. I'm no grinch. I love government-sanctioned holidays and any excuse to party and make merry. But this Christmas, I feel so incredibly not-cheerful. I'm homesick. I hate the cold and I hate the fact that Eid was me cooking desi food.
As for my spirituality, it's taken quite a beating over a few years or so. I love the cultural aspects and the good humanitarian things I learn from being a Muslim, but I can't say I believe in Islam any more. I'm not sure what I believe really. Perhaps I'm more of an agnostic. I believe in an upper deity that is 'God', but I can't blindly and completely believe in Islam.
It was definitely easier being a Muslim in Dubai. Everything is catered to Muslims. Coming to Canada meant I had to try even harder at being one. And I tried. I really did. But so many things happened to shake my faith that I've come to the conclusion: the cake is a lie. Yes, geek reference. By 'cake', I mean religion. And not just Islam, every religion. But hey, I'm not out to convert the world or convince anyone they're wrong. People have the right to believe what they want to. I know my mother finds comfort in Islam, and so do many others. Religion isn't just believing certain things exist: it's also about a lifestyle, a community, a culture.
And that's where I differ from atheists. I don't want the culture to go away. I mean the bad things like intolerance and narrow-mindedness, sure. But things like Eid, Christmas, Diwali, Hannukah. All the good stuff. All the celebrating and family time. I miss that.
This year, both Eids were almost non-existent. And initially, I blamed it to being in a house where people don't know any better. But then I realised it was also my fault. Eid is as important to me as Christmas is to SB and his family. I should have been more vocal and demanded that Eid be celebrated the way I've always celebrated it. But I let it just simmer and boil over until I got so mad that I was always pissed off at SB and every time his mom had suggestions for the wedding, I would be even madder for the wedding turning into a 'white-wedding' affair and not something that celebrates the both of us. As a sidebar, when I say white-wedding, I mean the white dress and everything that goes into a North American, western-world wedding, not the white-race.
The biggest struggle of our wedding is finding balance in the celebration. We're having a secular, civil marriage. His folks aren't practising Christians and therefore a religious wedding never was on their mind. My mom would like us to have a Nikah. So I asked SB if he would mind having one in addition to the civil marriage. He said no. Fair enough - I'm not about coercion. He respects my decision to want to stay a Muslim even though I'm not much of one. So I'm respecting his decision to not want to participate in anything religious. So, that being said, we're trying to incorporate as many non-religious cultural aspects from both sides and to make both families feel included and not alienated. I do not want either family attending to say "They left us out."
My biggest fear is my mom feeling left out of the wedding like she did with my sister. My sister eloped and since then, hasn't really been able to be a Muslim, even though she has more faith and adherence to me. Her in-laws and husband won't allow it. I've always been the more level-headed, more responsible child and I really want my mom to feel like she's part of something great even though SB is not Muslim.
However, the wedding may turn into a one-sided affair as my family is scattered throughout the world and not many people are in Canada. I have very few, if none, desi friends here. It's expensive getting a visa and airfare plus hotel to come to my wedding. Whereas most of SB's family lives here or in the surrounding area. So, try as I might, hardly anyone from my side is going to show up. And I feel so alone. Which makes me wonder why even bother making an effort to have my culture in it when hardly anyone in my family is going to be there. I'm still not wearing a white dress, though. White makes me look fat. Plus where I come from, it's a sign of mourning. I'm going to wear red. Red is good.
So back to the point I was trying to make. Eid is important to me. It's my Christmas. It's my one thing from childhood that makes me happy. And in our married life, I want it celebrated with the same enthusiasm as Christmas. I want my new-found family and friends to come over and partake in an Eid feast, have Eidi and Eid-related customs. I want it on the goddamn family calender. I don't want it to be a 'desi' night supper. Or have my mom-in-law cook so many non-desi food items to accompany it that my main dish becomes an appetiser. Ramadan is also important to me.
SB understands though. I guess I'm still resentful that this year was the year was almost absent. I hope next year will be different. It has to.
As for my spirituality, it's taken quite a beating over a few years or so. I love the cultural aspects and the good humanitarian things I learn from being a Muslim, but I can't say I believe in Islam any more. I'm not sure what I believe really. Perhaps I'm more of an agnostic. I believe in an upper deity that is 'God', but I can't blindly and completely believe in Islam.
It was definitely easier being a Muslim in Dubai. Everything is catered to Muslims. Coming to Canada meant I had to try even harder at being one. And I tried. I really did. But so many things happened to shake my faith that I've come to the conclusion: the cake is a lie. Yes, geek reference. By 'cake', I mean religion. And not just Islam, every religion. But hey, I'm not out to convert the world or convince anyone they're wrong. People have the right to believe what they want to. I know my mother finds comfort in Islam, and so do many others. Religion isn't just believing certain things exist: it's also about a lifestyle, a community, a culture.
And that's where I differ from atheists. I don't want the culture to go away. I mean the bad things like intolerance and narrow-mindedness, sure. But things like Eid, Christmas, Diwali, Hannukah. All the good stuff. All the celebrating and family time. I miss that.
This year, both Eids were almost non-existent. And initially, I blamed it to being in a house where people don't know any better. But then I realised it was also my fault. Eid is as important to me as Christmas is to SB and his family. I should have been more vocal and demanded that Eid be celebrated the way I've always celebrated it. But I let it just simmer and boil over until I got so mad that I was always pissed off at SB and every time his mom had suggestions for the wedding, I would be even madder for the wedding turning into a 'white-wedding' affair and not something that celebrates the both of us. As a sidebar, when I say white-wedding, I mean the white dress and everything that goes into a North American, western-world wedding, not the white-race.
The biggest struggle of our wedding is finding balance in the celebration. We're having a secular, civil marriage. His folks aren't practising Christians and therefore a religious wedding never was on their mind. My mom would like us to have a Nikah. So I asked SB if he would mind having one in addition to the civil marriage. He said no. Fair enough - I'm not about coercion. He respects my decision to want to stay a Muslim even though I'm not much of one. So I'm respecting his decision to not want to participate in anything religious. So, that being said, we're trying to incorporate as many non-religious cultural aspects from both sides and to make both families feel included and not alienated. I do not want either family attending to say "They left us out."
My biggest fear is my mom feeling left out of the wedding like she did with my sister. My sister eloped and since then, hasn't really been able to be a Muslim, even though she has more faith and adherence to me. Her in-laws and husband won't allow it. I've always been the more level-headed, more responsible child and I really want my mom to feel like she's part of something great even though SB is not Muslim.
However, the wedding may turn into a one-sided affair as my family is scattered throughout the world and not many people are in Canada. I have very few, if none, desi friends here. It's expensive getting a visa and airfare plus hotel to come to my wedding. Whereas most of SB's family lives here or in the surrounding area. So, try as I might, hardly anyone from my side is going to show up. And I feel so alone. Which makes me wonder why even bother making an effort to have my culture in it when hardly anyone in my family is going to be there. I'm still not wearing a white dress, though. White makes me look fat. Plus where I come from, it's a sign of mourning. I'm going to wear red. Red is good.
So back to the point I was trying to make. Eid is important to me. It's my Christmas. It's my one thing from childhood that makes me happy. And in our married life, I want it celebrated with the same enthusiasm as Christmas. I want my new-found family and friends to come over and partake in an Eid feast, have Eidi and Eid-related customs. I want it on the goddamn family calender. I don't want it to be a 'desi' night supper. Or have my mom-in-law cook so many non-desi food items to accompany it that my main dish becomes an appetiser. Ramadan is also important to me.
SB understands though. I guess I'm still resentful that this year was the year was almost absent. I hope next year will be different. It has to.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Simple Life?
Yes, my posts have been sporadic. Most of my readers and fellow bloggers and friends have moved on. My blog is not what it used to be. Moving to Canada has been stressful. It still is in so many ways. Before, my blog was a way to relieve my stress and find some comfort out in the big, bad virtual world. Now, I depend on my soon-to-be husband, SB. But with him busy all the time - I'm probably back to my musings here. Or rather, my whiny little rants because I have no friends or life.
So.....welcome back, me.
As I was saying, we're getting married in a few months. He's gotten a job - actually two. We're going to be moving out of his parent's basement and into an apartment of our own. I'm still unemployed and incredibly depressed. Maybe bored, frustrated and depressed.
So, with SB hard at work earning the bread and bacon for us, I'm working at making sure we have a home and stress-free wedding. I hope that my contribution to this relationship is my time and domestic skills. Because right now, I feel absolutely neutered and powerless. I've always hated being at someone else's financial mercy, and I certainly hate it now too. I've seen my mom and sister stuck depending on their spouses for money and I'm slowly turning into them. Of course, SB is nothing like my dad or brother-in-law. He is the kindest person I've ever known and he treats me so well. But with my meagre savings that are dwindling thanks to Bell's eye-gauging cancellation fees (Never again am I going back to them), I have to depend on SB's income while I look for a job.
Any time money is involved, I feel obligated. Because in the past, I've always been reminded constantly that someone was picking my tab. Be it school fees or even gifts, there was no such thing as a freebie. I was always indebted to someone and I hated that feeling. I don't want to be nice to someone because I'm indebted to them, but because I want to. A free roof over my head comes with strings attached. This growing feeling of indebtedness is what depresses me so much. I'll never be able to pay anyone back and it makes me resent everyone and every thing. And being unemployed makes me feel even more powerless and more indebted to everyone, thus continuing the circle.
I'm hoping moving out and settling into a domestic life might make all these bad feeling go away. Maybe even use the time at home to do something productive, like write a book or start a podcast. Maybe my own catering company or something. Perhaps wedding planning. Seeing as how weddings are so bloody expensive here, maybe I can make some decent cash planning stuff like that. Maybe restart my henna and face-painting freelancing jobs. Something. Anything to make me feel less useless.
Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in a tub of Nutella....
So.....welcome back, me.
As I was saying, we're getting married in a few months. He's gotten a job - actually two. We're going to be moving out of his parent's basement and into an apartment of our own. I'm still unemployed and incredibly depressed. Maybe bored, frustrated and depressed.
So, with SB hard at work earning the bread and bacon for us, I'm working at making sure we have a home and stress-free wedding. I hope that my contribution to this relationship is my time and domestic skills. Because right now, I feel absolutely neutered and powerless. I've always hated being at someone else's financial mercy, and I certainly hate it now too. I've seen my mom and sister stuck depending on their spouses for money and I'm slowly turning into them. Of course, SB is nothing like my dad or brother-in-law. He is the kindest person I've ever known and he treats me so well. But with my meagre savings that are dwindling thanks to Bell's eye-gauging cancellation fees (Never again am I going back to them), I have to depend on SB's income while I look for a job.
Any time money is involved, I feel obligated. Because in the past, I've always been reminded constantly that someone was picking my tab. Be it school fees or even gifts, there was no such thing as a freebie. I was always indebted to someone and I hated that feeling. I don't want to be nice to someone because I'm indebted to them, but because I want to. A free roof over my head comes with strings attached. This growing feeling of indebtedness is what depresses me so much. I'll never be able to pay anyone back and it makes me resent everyone and every thing. And being unemployed makes me feel even more powerless and more indebted to everyone, thus continuing the circle.
I'm hoping moving out and settling into a domestic life might make all these bad feeling go away. Maybe even use the time at home to do something productive, like write a book or start a podcast. Maybe my own catering company or something. Perhaps wedding planning. Seeing as how weddings are so bloody expensive here, maybe I can make some decent cash planning stuff like that. Maybe restart my henna and face-painting freelancing jobs. Something. Anything to make me feel less useless.
Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in a tub of Nutella....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
What's that sparkly thing on my hand?
I suppose I have some good news to share with all the random lurkers on the intar-webs and for the few remaining people who read my blog.
Yes, I got engaged. Yes, it spak-kawwls!
And yes, I'm getting married to SB. After a year and half of long distance dating, be it Dubai-KW or London-KW, we have decided to be together at the same place and time :) It's been so crazy the last few months - what with moving, my mom coming to Canada for my graduation and then trying to find a job (and still looking), that this blog has been getting lots of cobwebs.
As for the wedding - its happening next year, sometime June or May depending on which venue we get. I'm trying not to be a Bridezilla - but sometimes my well meaning mom and future mom-in-law drive me a little crazy. I end up getting it in stereo now that they've BFFs and all since graduation.
I suppose the only fly in the ointment is the fact that I'm still unemployed. I feel a little bit more demotivated and depressed as each day passes. It's not that I'm not landing jobs because of crummy interviews - I'm having trouble even getting past the 'Please apply online' or anything that involves dealing with a person. Online applications are nice to apply to - but they won't land me any jobs. All the jobs where I've managed to get an interview or even get employed involved actually meeting the recruiter and them knowing me by name. So its frustrating that even minimum wage jobs that don't require anything except a working pulse are now recruiting online. Which means that I can't get a job, related to my career or not. Part of me wishes I could go back to Dubai because I know I'll be employed within a month - with a decent pay, even though it will be the 'brown' wage, and not a wage I deserve. But that defeats the purpose of me coming to Canada in the first place - to make a new home.
But wedding planning and being with SB makes me happy. He might be a big Swedish bouncer-like man, but he's really just a big ol' softie. He loves me and respects me. He would never hurt me - at least not knowingly. And he's always the first to apologize and admit when he's wrong. Sure, he can sometimes get annoying by being a bit of a know-it-all and a stickler for diction and pronunciation, but if that's the worst he can be, I'm happy. Unlike the other men I've dated or the male 'role models' I've had in my life, he doesn't verbally abuse me, or put me down. He doesn't have a 'my way or the highway' attitude and expect that his word is law in our house. He doesn't smoke and he doesn't really drink. Nor has he squandered money and expects me to run the house like a 1950's housewife and also bring home the bacon. Of course, he may go back to school and that's the time I'll be the bread winner, but its still about us and he's more than helped me out while I was a student and now unemployed. He cooks and does laundry and isn't afraid to do domestic chores. He's a great cook - better than me, although he still has to learn the finer points of desi cooking. Although he's made better roti than me - and he was awesome in making the samosa dough perfect. I just need to wean him off the ready-made yellow powder that North Americans call 'curry powder' and make sure he never touches that ghastly thing again. Yes, I am a spice snob. And I can afford to be because he's a bigger food snob than me - so I'm just refining his Indian culinary palate.
*sigh* Now if I can just get a job...
As for the wedding - its happening next year, sometime June or May depending on which venue we get. I'm trying not to be a Bridezilla - but sometimes my well meaning mom and future mom-in-law drive me a little crazy. I end up getting it in stereo now that they've BFFs and all since graduation.
I suppose the only fly in the ointment is the fact that I'm still unemployed. I feel a little bit more demotivated and depressed as each day passes. It's not that I'm not landing jobs because of crummy interviews - I'm having trouble even getting past the 'Please apply online' or anything that involves dealing with a person. Online applications are nice to apply to - but they won't land me any jobs. All the jobs where I've managed to get an interview or even get employed involved actually meeting the recruiter and them knowing me by name. So its frustrating that even minimum wage jobs that don't require anything except a working pulse are now recruiting online. Which means that I can't get a job, related to my career or not. Part of me wishes I could go back to Dubai because I know I'll be employed within a month - with a decent pay, even though it will be the 'brown' wage, and not a wage I deserve. But that defeats the purpose of me coming to Canada in the first place - to make a new home.
But wedding planning and being with SB makes me happy. He might be a big Swedish bouncer-like man, but he's really just a big ol' softie. He loves me and respects me. He would never hurt me - at least not knowingly. And he's always the first to apologize and admit when he's wrong. Sure, he can sometimes get annoying by being a bit of a know-it-all and a stickler for diction and pronunciation, but if that's the worst he can be, I'm happy. Unlike the other men I've dated or the male 'role models' I've had in my life, he doesn't verbally abuse me, or put me down. He doesn't have a 'my way or the highway' attitude and expect that his word is law in our house. He doesn't smoke and he doesn't really drink. Nor has he squandered money and expects me to run the house like a 1950's housewife and also bring home the bacon. Of course, he may go back to school and that's the time I'll be the bread winner, but its still about us and he's more than helped me out while I was a student and now unemployed. He cooks and does laundry and isn't afraid to do domestic chores. He's a great cook - better than me, although he still has to learn the finer points of desi cooking. Although he's made better roti than me - and he was awesome in making the samosa dough perfect. I just need to wean him off the ready-made yellow powder that North Americans call 'curry powder' and make sure he never touches that ghastly thing again. Yes, I am a spice snob. And I can afford to be because he's a bigger food snob than me - so I'm just refining his Indian culinary palate.
*sigh* Now if I can just get a job...
Monday, June 06, 2011
Graduation and rainbow cakes
So I'm currently 'fun-employed'. School's over, I've moved out of London and I'm crashing at SB's place until I find a job and can afford rent. My bank balance is at an all-time low, but I have to hope it's just temporary. I've applied for the first stage of a two-stage process for my PR in Canada, so I've got my fingers crossed at this point.
My mom finally got her visit visa to Canada so she'll be here for my graduation in about a week's time. Gosh how time flies. Speaking of graduation, here's my class photo:
Yep, we're a small class but this past year was so much fun, despite the drama and crazy room-mates.
So back to my mom. She is coming and she will be staying at SB's place with me, him and his folks. It's going to be the first time she'll be meeting all of them. So SB's mom has gone all crazy and decided to renovate "Chez SB", saying things like "I've been wanting to do this for 20 years but your dad (SB senior) wouldn't let me."
Yes, Chez SB is 20 years old with a lot of stuff tucked away in nooks and crannies over the years. And there hasn't been a massive cleaning and throwing away of stuff in like...ever. Or so SB says. I get the feeling SB's mom just waited for him to grow up so that she could do all the things she couldn't do because SB senior wouldn't do it.
So there's now new light fixtures, a ceiling fan in the hall, and my room being turned upside down so we could repaint it. All before my mom arrives on the 10th. And both his mom and I have fallen really sick with some viral bug while the men are disgustingly healthy. Both of us womenfolk give them the middle finger every time they laugh at our misery - but they have tucked us in bed and helped out.
Last week or so was also SB and Sam's joint birthday party. Since I am penniless and I wanted to create something thoughtful, I decided to bake two birthday cakes for the birthday boys. For SB, because he's on a low-carb, high-protein Atkins diet, I made him a meat dish and a cake that was more for the party guests than for him.
Little ones who came to the party had a chance to decorate it. I got the idea and recipe from Sweetapolita's food blog. It's even better on the inside:
It's rainbow-layered!
For Sam's cake, I wanted to honour him being our DM for Dungeons and Dragons, so I made another rainbow-layered cake, but with a DnD themed fondant cover:
The edges around the cake says 'Choose your weapon'. And here are some details:
The dice and many figurines are plastic. We bought him a booster pack and some crazier dice (d24 and d30) to put on the cake for an epic battle.
I used toothpicks for the arrows, and fondant to make a zombie and some imps:
The wing later fell off, so I just added an arrow:
And the blood was a mixture or red candy melts and red food colouring. One tip: never add food colouring to candy melts because they seize and make it a bitch to manipulate later.
One more shot (yes, I am quite proud of this):
Sam loved it. And I have to give credit to SB for helping me bake the cake.
So that's all for now. More later
My mom finally got her visit visa to Canada so she'll be here for my graduation in about a week's time. Gosh how time flies. Speaking of graduation, here's my class photo:
So back to my mom. She is coming and she will be staying at SB's place with me, him and his folks. It's going to be the first time she'll be meeting all of them. So SB's mom has gone all crazy and decided to renovate "Chez SB", saying things like "I've been wanting to do this for 20 years but your dad (SB senior) wouldn't let me."
Yes, Chez SB is 20 years old with a lot of stuff tucked away in nooks and crannies over the years. And there hasn't been a massive cleaning and throwing away of stuff in like...ever. Or so SB says. I get the feeling SB's mom just waited for him to grow up so that she could do all the things she couldn't do because SB senior wouldn't do it.
So there's now new light fixtures, a ceiling fan in the hall, and my room being turned upside down so we could repaint it. All before my mom arrives on the 10th. And both his mom and I have fallen really sick with some viral bug while the men are disgustingly healthy. Both of us womenfolk give them the middle finger every time they laugh at our misery - but they have tucked us in bed and helped out.
Last week or so was also SB and Sam's joint birthday party. Since I am penniless and I wanted to create something thoughtful, I decided to bake two birthday cakes for the birthday boys. For SB, because he's on a low-carb, high-protein Atkins diet, I made him a meat dish and a cake that was more for the party guests than for him.
One more shot (yes, I am quite proud of this):
So that's all for now. More later
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