I has arrived...

So here I am in Ontario, enjoying the chill, fog and rain. My nose is running but I suppose that's the temperature change from a pleasant 25C in Dubai to a chilly 7C in Toronto.

The flight was long and definitely a loooong way from my business-class trip this summer. But going on an Emirates A380 economy seat is still better than the other jets they have. More leg room being one - I wasn't giving the passenger in-front of me a head massage every time they leaned back. Definitely more storage space for bags, although this black woman two seats ahead of me was being a douche and dumping her stuff in my allocated over-head locker. Luckily, I just had a handbag, jacket and my boots so I could afford to give her the space. But she just barged through, dumped her stuff and squashed my really nice jacket and boots. I was too tired to really argue so I threw her a dirty look and sat down. I slept quite soundly for the first half of the flight as I hadn't slept in over 30 hours. I caught up on some movies for the remainder and time flew. Although note to self: Never wear skin-tight leather boots while flying. My feet swell and even though they are normally quite comfy, the shoes become toe-crushers while flying.

I was quite nervous when I landed as I'd been through American customs and immigration and was expecting the same type of lengthy and grueling procedures. Although to be fair, I've never had any problems going through US border patrol each time I visit. But being my first time in Canada and going through many hoops getting a visit visa, I was a teensy-bit nervous. They were unfounded and it was a breeze. Extremely friendly immigration officers and staff who were very helpful.

I finally got my bags and met Sam. We caught up on so much as we traveled from bus to bus and I got to see quite a bit of the Ontario landscape, albeit at night. We've been friends for over 10 years and counting and it's so good to visit my school friends on their home turf. It makes me feel a little more grown-up, not to mention it feels good keeping in touch with folks I've grown up with. Probably another reason why I want to leave Dubai - all my friends and near and dear are in North America.

Anyhow, seeing how tired I was, we just landed up at home and chilled. Although we hardly got any sleep. It was so much fun catching up on the past few years that we probably didn't conk off until sunrise. I don't mind - I feel absolutely alive and charged up.

And I finally tried poutine! Not the most authentic one, but a pretty good version. Sam gave it an 8/10. The gravy makes all the difference. So does the cheddar cheese curds, or 'squeaky cheese'.

So now I'm off the shower, refresh and head to the nearby mall for some shopping and catching "New Moon". More later.

I gotta feeling...

Wow! Things have been absolutely crazy the past weekend. Loads of shopping, picking what to take and also working until tonight - I'll be leaving in a few hours and decided it would be better staying awake, to fall asleep on the plane.

My bud Sam has a gigantic itinerary planned for us. It'll be like Vegas week - slightly tamer, not much gambling, but loads of fun. Just what I need to forget all the problems back here, from exs to blog trolls. I'll also be meeting loads of high school friends, as well as checking out the university I've applied to.

There have been a few bumps on the road which have infuriated me immensely, but I'm trying to not let them get to me. In the end, I'm going to go for my vacation and I'm going to forget everything and enjoy it. And come back happier and relaxed, ready to take the crap all over again.

The only crummy thing was not getting my salary on time before I left, so I had to use my card, which is teetering on maxing out. Not fun.

Another four hours and I'm off! Next post from the other side :)

Stuff

So I've been off the radar for a while. I've had loads of crazy things going on in my life, all to be explained in a bit.

I finally bought a MacBook Pro. I thought I would go for the MacBook. But when I saw they removed the Firewire port from the new ones, plus heard about plastic casings being prone to overheating, I decided spending a bit more and getting a MB Pro would be a better deal in the long run. Although it is killing me in the short term. I may have just maxed my credit card with the purchase. I'm not too keen on getting next month's bill. Any sugar-daddies out there that want to foot the bill? *blink blink* lol

I've also had an adventure-and-a-half getting a Canadian visit visa to go see my friends in Ontario during the Eid/National Day break. I thought getting an American visit visa was difficult, although having a biological parent in the States does make things easier. I decided to courier my documents rather than going in person as I had no time. Big mistake. I got rejected and I was crushed. Really crushed. I had my reasons for going to Toronto for the holidays - not being in Dubai during his wedding was one of them. I've been doing fine so far as I've been so busy with the university applications, holiday and all. But if I couldn't go now, I knew I'd be absolutely miserable thinking about him and home alone during the holidays - mom would still be heading to Kenya.

I've learned to never under-estimate my mom. Even though my mom doesn't know exactly why I'm so unhappy, she knows that I'm miserable. She knew that I'd rather go to Canada then be in Kenya and sulk. I don't get along with my cousins and if I had a choice on where to be miserable, I'd rather be in Dubai. At least I can go out and meet people rather than be stuck at home in Mombasa. She could have just told me to go to Kenya with her since I didn't get the visa. But when she heard me sounding crushed over not getting the visa, she went into a 'How-DARE-they-deny-my-daughter-a-visa" mode. She's quite scary when she's like that.

She pushed me to try once more despite just a week left before I was set to go. I got my papers and required documents within two days and she took leave to accompany me to the Abu Dhabi embassy. She kept saying I should get it this time and motivating me, despite me feeling incredibly low about the whole affair. We left Dubai at 6am to reach the embassy at around 8.30am, when they open. I submitted my documents and they asked me to pay and return at 11.30am. They're situated next to a mall so we both hung around for about an hour before heading back. After a short interview, I got my visa done within a few minutes. I was so excited! I also started panicking as I had done no packing, no shopping - nothing.

I've mentioned that I've had problems sleeping and have been sleeping 2-3 hours a day at max. After the visa, the opposite happened - I'm now sleeping for 12+ hours and sleeping like the dead. I still feel sleepy and groggy though.

Just found my references are all done and my application is complete. Here's hoping for the best.

Getting out of the funk...

I had a really nice evening tonight. Went for a tweetup and even met a blogger friend of mine who came over for the weekend.

Oh, and if you're in Dubai, do check out this amazing lil joint called Wild Peeta. It's an awesome place run by two three Emirati brothers and the food is delish! It was my first time going there, as well as my first tweetup. I'd heard a lot about the 'apple iced tea', which is actually delightfully fruity concoction of apple juice and orange juice with red tea and mint. It was a good as the raving reviews said it would be. Also tried a shawarma and found out that most of the items on the menu are healthy with minimal fat. But what I love most is the attentiveness of the staff and the owners who were on hand the entire evening. It felt like a mom and pop place, or like a cozy lil coffee shop that you'd want to hang out at everyday. Awesome auras and vibe. Also, they give a discount to people who are on Twitter and Facebook, which is a neat marketing strategy. There are few places that I visit as a regular, but I think I will be coming by again very soon.

I can feel a change come over me. I don't know why, but I guess I got sick of being sick all the time. And tired. Especially depressed. I do admit I still feel lonely, bent-out-of-shape and heart-broken, but the episodes are far shorter and less frequent. I haven't succumbed to booty-calls from exs or any guy who deigns to notice me.

A guy asked me for my number the other day. It was quite a shock for me. Here's why: I was looking my worst. I know I can clean up quite nicely and I'm not unfortunate looking, but to get picked up by an absolute hottie when I look like I might hurl or crawl into some cave to die - that's quite a surprise.

Ok, I'll back up a little. It was a usual night shift workday. I've started having insomnia again and balloon feet. I manage to drag my ass to work despite feeling shitty. A pair of loose jeans and a hoodie. Slightly greasy, yet frizzy hair haphazardly knotted into a rubber-band that has long lost its elasticity. My brows want to mate again. A few pimples on a face shiny enough to cook a poor nation a royal buffet. Mismatched shoes that show ogre toe-nails in addition to balloon feet. I finish work and head to BK at a nearby petrol station to pick up dinner on my way home. I can't find the server so I wait.

In comes three guys who see me waiting. One guy, the hottest of the bunch, looks at me and smiles. I smile back. The server appears and attends to him first. He says I was waiting first and directs her to me. I place my order and shuffle to the side to wait and let them order. As I hadn't slept and my stomach was feeling funny (due to not eating), I lean over the counter and slouch.

I hear him say "you look tired". I turn around and smile, saying that the night shift can do that. We start talking and he asks if I would join him for dinner. I said no as I had a long day and long drive ahead of me and I wasn't feeling well. That and the fact that I had Gossip Girl waiting for me at home, but I didn't tell him that. He looked bummed and asked if we could do it again. I say yes and we keep chatting while waiting. My food arrived and I said that I had to go. He asked again if we could do this some other time and I said sure. As I leave, he asked for my number. I gave it to him and he called my cell so that I'd have his. He even made sure I found my phone to see if it rang. Shook hands and I left.

I was taken aback. I've had creepy people hitting on me, but not hotties. And definitely not in my current state. He seemed ok, not creepy or anything. And definitely eye candy, with a nice body. I first thought he was Lebanese because of how he looked, his accent and clothes, but turns out he was Tunisian. His English was good - American-sounding with a slight Arabic accent, part of the reason I though he was Leb. So why would he talk to a scruffy gal who just wanted some midnight munchies at a petrol station burger joint? Not just that, but ask for my number too?

Anyhow, he hasn't called after that, and I'm ok with it. I'm not going to call him either. Hey - he asked for my number, not me. If I could choose TV over a hunky, ab-licking hottie, then I'm clearly not that desperate yet. If I never hear from him again, it's all good. But I do thank him for making me smile that day, as well as giving me a nice moment to recall when I really feel like shit and I crave attention. Thank you, whoever you are.

To be honest, I feel like I'm living some bizarre toothpaste or deo ad. A lot of good-looking or decent guys with no immediate creepy vibe smile, say hi or talk to me. And I look like a bum most days, so it's not like I had a haircut or lost weight or started dressing or something. I wonder how it would be if I actually bothered looking nice....hmmm.

Battle of the laps...

I've decided to purchase a laptop for myself. If I'm heading to college, I'll need something heavyduty, but that doesn't feel like deadweight after hours of lugging around. Something that doesn't break down and requires neurosurgery to fix. It should also be slightly future-proof, atleast for two years or so. Design matters too. Even if I don't get accepted, I've been wanting to get one for travel.

After hours of research, I've whittled down my choices to two: MacBook or Lenovo Ideapad.

MacBook

Pros:
- At 13", it will be small enough, but not toy-like.
- I have the choice to run both Mac OS and Windows 7 through Boot Camp and Parallel. That is important as there are Windows apps that I can't avoid.
- Has a firewire port, as well as ample USB ports and Ethernet.
- Built-in bluetooth and Wireless
- Has a built-in disc drive for a netbook-size
- Reasonably priced for a Mac - $999-1300(AED3600-4600)

Cons:
- It's white. And just a bit ugly.
- I'm not a fan of the trackpad, but a mouse should cure that.
- Does not have a SSD like the MB Pro. Probably why there's a huge price difference ($999 vs $1499+).

Lenovo IdeaPad series

Pros:
- Nice design and variety of screen sizes - also available in RED :)
- Slimmer than MacBook
- Windows 7 compatible
- Most models are available with SSD with no big hike in price.
- More customisation and upgrade options
- Fingerprint and face recognition security. It's not essential, but I thought it was cool
- Cheaper than a Mac. Starting price: $500(AED2500+)

Cons:
- Not as stable as a Mac
- No option to use Mac OS
- No firewire ports
- May not be stable enough for video/audio editing
- Horrible product website. I know this isn't related to the machine, but if I can't get the proper specs for the machines, how can I make an informed choice?

I'm currently leaning towards a MacBook, but still considering a Lenovo simply for budgetary reasons, although I suspect the Mac will be a cheaper investment in the long run.

Do share your thoughts.

Limbo

I think I'm recovering a little. Or maybe I got tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. The real test is yet to come. But for now, I think I'm getting better.

I've started walking with my mum. The plan was to go daily, but it looks like it might be an every-other-day deal. I guess I'm not the only one who feels a bit lazy getting up at the crack of dawn. Although in my case, that's more like my bedtime.

I've started getting in touch with more friends and trying to make new ones. There's a tweetup happening this weekend and I'm making myself go. There's also an after-tweetup karaoke plan and I'm planning on going for that too. In addition, there may be a blogger friend flying down to Dubai who I might catch up with, so this weekend should be pretty busy.

I've got about two weeks till my mini-break comes up and I'm desperately hoping I get the needed visa and my passport on time. I hope I get to go - I think it will really take my mind off things and give me something tangible to work for.

I know everything can be achieved through willpower, but I have a feeling December will be a grueling month emotionally. The most I can do for myself is soften the blow by keeping busy and trying to live my life, hoping it'll blow over.

Unfortunately, there is one financial loose-end left. Although it would be good to tie that up asap, it is not in my best interests to do so now. I'm not strong enough to face him yet. Plus, I know what his answer will be. With the wedding prep and being responsible for the entire rent since his sisters moved out, he won't be in a position to repay. And I will crumble if I contact him. It will be much easier asking him to pay up when I know how things stand regarding my admission. I will have a deadline and I can focus. No matter how messy it will get, I know I can physically leave all of that by a certain date.

In a way, the waiting leaves me up in the air in limbo. So many decisions to make, but they all depend on whether I get in or not. *sigh*

Here's hoping for the best.

EDIT:Came across this song, thought I'd post it:

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's clear, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart

Pennies...

There are so many things that I'm becoming aware of.

Like how I'm aging years with every day. Even though I'm 25, I feel like I'm 40 and over. Except I'm middle-aged and alone. No friends, no family, nothing to speak for my life beyond a string of failed relationships that chip me away little by little. Almost all my peers are engaged, married, or having a second kid while posting pictures of their adorable little tykes. Although FB can be a great way to stay in touch, it sometimes just keeps reminding me how sad my life is turning. Not that I wish any of them ill - I'm happy for them. I also feel just a little desperate at how life is turning out for me. It hasn't gone at all like I planned.

I don't want to be alone. I don't mean I can't live without a guy. I mean I don't want to die where no-one will attend my funeral. At the same time, I wish I were dead. Contradicting, isn't it?

I always feel like people put up with me because they have to. If they had a choice, they would be elsewhere with other people. I'm good so long as they need something from me and can't find it anywhere else, which is why they put up with me in the first place. Yes, I know this stems from abandonment issues.

I know this makes me a penny-pincher. I account for everything because I'm sick of people telling me I'm ungrateful or how big a burden I am to them. I only go anywhere unless someone invites me. I try to clear financial things and borrowed items immediately. I only borrow something when I know I can return it soon, be it objects or money. I cringe when I want to collect something back because I hate to nag. I hate asking people to return things back. I hate it because it makes me sound ungenerous like a penny-pincher. When I want to be a generous person. Where I can spoil the people I love and not bat an eyelid.

I hate it when things don't get returned and it makes me reluctant to lend anything because I know I may never see it again. I like whatever possessions I've got. Hence why I have them. And I absolutely hate asking people to give it back, especially if I have to do it more than once.

I'm turning into Scrooge and I hate it. Yet I'm sick of being taken advantage of. I hate having to keep tabs on everything. Yet I have to because it sucks when things go missing.

Mommy Cool....

My mom is a cool person. Really.

I've been discovering things about her that I'd never imagine possible. My mom has always been a bit conservative, idealistic and well - naive. I'd like to imagine her as the 50's perfect housewife, where everything was strictly PG or younger. She was also a bit of a pushover where my dad was concerned, perhaps even with us kids.

I do know she can be a force to reckon with under all that - you do not want to mess with my mom. I may have been witness to seeing grown men cry in her presence.

Despite all that, I've been very reluctant to tell her what's been happening in my life. She doesn't know half of the stuff I've said on this blog. I suppose it's my own way of protecting her from what's happened and happening to me, or because I'm scared to disappoint her. Either way, I've been scared to tell her many, many things.

Recently, a very close friend of mine outted himself to his folks. I think he expected that at the worst, they wouldn't be pleased, perhaps even disappointed and hurt. What he never expected was extreme anger. Angry enough to out him out of his job. So out of the country he goes. It hurt and shocked me. It also made me think twice about telling my mom anything.

My mom knew what happened to my friend as he was a frequent visitor and chum. She was very sad about the whole mess and said that if he needed anything, she'd do whatever she can to help. That was awesome of her, but I was still hesitant. It's one thing to be accepting of others, but it's a different case when it's your own kid. I asked her if she would do the same thing to me (I'm straight, BTW). Whether she would kick me out of the house, report me and try kicking me out of the country.

She surprised me by saying that as long as I'm a good human being, she doesn't care who I like. She even said that she's met so many people like that and they're much nicer folks than normal, straight people. She even knew my friend was one before I told her. No wonder she never minded him staying over or coming around when I was home alone.

Another little gem that took me by surprise was when we were discussing housing options in Canada. I told her off-campus housing would be cheaper and with far more options than staying on-campus. I'd have my own room and share bathroom, kitchen and hall space. My mom said she'd prefer I room up with a girl than a guy because I'd end up cleaning up after him or *she snorts* he'd be cleaning up after me if he was a neat-freak.

My mom was concerned about a male roomie not because we might do things, but about cleaning arrangments.

I love her.

Weekend Update

I'm not out of the woods yet with my grad application. From what I've been told, the deadline for receiving the electronic reference letters is Nov 1st, which is - tomorrow. But then again, they realize their online system hasn't been exactly perfect, so they've extended the deadline for the reference letters provided there are spaces available. The last five words scare me.

One bad thing about takeovers is when things like HR and pay haven't been clearly divided. Which leaves the employees that are handed over a bit homeless and pay-less. Yep, still haven't been paid yet. We generally receive our salaries between 25-27th. It's Halloween (31st) and my bank balance is barely there, threatening to go in the red (and then get charged for lack of funds) once it turns the 1st and things get debited. I addition, we got paid in the middle of last month thanks to Eid. So it's been 40 days and over since I've last been paid.

On the other hand, I had a lovely Friday with mom and sis. I wasn't feeling well early in the day, so I had to skip going for the Walkathon (I feel extremely ashamed) and also the house-warming lunch at a family friend's. But we all met up for a movie at Ibn Batutta called "All The Best". Not the kind of movie I want to watch, but mom said she wanted to watch a mindless movie and laugh. Well, she was right about it - it was mindless, and we did laugh throughout.

I found out that my mom can be quite the comic too. My sis told me a little gem mom threw while they were driving home:
On the topic of Aishwarya Rai (her pet peeve): She should be sat down and slapped *smack* *smack* *smack* *smack* until the sound rings in her ears. And then smack her some more *smack* *smack* *smack* *smack*.

It did sound better in Urdu. And the hand gestures that followed. My sister and I were rolling on the floor laughing.

Torn

Just when you think you're recovering- BAM! You get hit by something insignificant, but still managing to take your breath away.

I realized part of my coping mechanism was to avoid any reminders of him at any cost. I stopped listening to any desi music, desi films - everything remotely desi. I've turned into a carnivore for the most part, although even eating meat reminds me of him. So I've been on a chocolate binge instead. I've focused on applying to colleges in Canada and buried myself in my books and TV series. Wherever I can, I'm trying to disassociate things from him. Wherever it gets too painful, I avoid. I've spent the last few weeks walking a very thin line between being numb and falling into a blackhole of despair, hysteria and nausea. Doesn't give me much room to do anything.

When I thought things were getting better and that perhaps I can start enjoying things a little without wincing every time I think about him, I got an email. Another forward. I didn't even open it. I deleted it. But seeing his name brought back an uncomfortable feeling of breathlessness and nausea. Then out of nowhere, a little pop-up appears with his name and a message saying 'hi'.

Damn gmail chat.

I had two strong emotions running through me at that point. One was an extremely angry "after-weeks-of-silence-all-I-get-is-a-friggin'-hi?!". The other was the same rush of breathlessness and nausea I felt when I saw his forward, just stronger. I felt like someone kicked me in the 'nads (if I had them), carved a giant hole in my midsection with a plastic knife and I could feel the acidic taste of my stomach contents creeping up my throat.

I waited to see if he would write anything else. Nothing. Waiting for me to say something. That made me more nauseous and angry. After such a long gap all I get is a fucking hi?!?! I just closed the damn pop-up and blocked him. If he wants to contact me, at least have the balls to call. Something. Anything but stupid forwards and a pathetic 'hi'.

It's funny how just a 'hi' can burst open old wounds and make me feel all raw and torn again. To be honest, I don't know what I want from him. I don't want him back. I guess I wished he'd at least say sorry. Or something. Something other than 'I understand'. Or silence. Or 'hi'.