Messy

It's lonely just having me and my head all day to talk to, converse and talk about my feelings. Incase you're wondering, SB and I have moved out into our own apartment. It's a really nice one-bedroom apartment that's very central to downtown Kitchener and Uptown Waterloo and just across SB's workplace - so we save on gas. I'm still unemployed, although now I'm voluntarily staying unemployed - someone needs to be home to handle all the wedding planning, apartment repairs and such.

Oh, and did I mention apartment repairs? So, we had a leaky ceiling - so the maintenance guys came in and made a gigantic hole in the bathroom ceiling and it's been that way for a week while whatever leaky piping they fixed dries up to prevent any water damage to the structure. And then about a few days ago, there was someone two floors above us that had a backed up drain that caused all their water to flood our kitchen and living room. Luckily, SB caught it in time and we just have a soaking wet rug and a wall, but that involved maintenance coming in and moving all our furniture in one direction, tearing out the rug and blasting two incredibly large fans continuously onto the living room carpet for the past three days and now they're going to tear up the floorboards and wall to repair the water damage. Thankfully, I don't pay a penny for it, but having to deal with all this two weeks in to our new home is making me a little cranky.

But I can't really share this with SB because he's busy working 7 days a week. When he's not working at the hospital during the week, he works at a computer store on the weekends. All so that we have enough money for both of us to pay rent and eat. He wouldn't work so hard if I had a job, but with all these repairs and the wedding coming up and my immigration issues to work out, I don't have time to work. Plus, the fact that I have to travel every six months does not make future employers very happy with me. People think that my traveling makes me rich, spoiled and pampered. I get to go home every six months. They have no idea that my jaunt to Dubai is me having to go back to handle immigration issues and family business and financial things because they require me physically present to complete them. I really don't have much fun on my visits back. I hardly see my friends - if at all. Only the last trip was any real fun - because I got to shop for my wedding and meet my family. Even then, it was such a short trip that I had to stuff as many things as possible in each day.

Anyhow, I thought I could commiserate with my mother over the state of the house. So I tell her the house is topsy-turvy and messy because I haven't been able to unpack because of all the repairs. And then she tells me, "But you're always so messy." And that hurt.

For those of you that don't know my mother, she's a neat-freak of the OCD-kind. Everything is in its place, and they're all neatly tucked away. My style of organisation is a little different. I tend to neatly pack away things I don't use much and as such, don't move around as much. Things that I use frequently tend to be in little piles of chaos, similar to say a journalist's office or a normal paper-pusher's desk in a cubicle. But that's far to chaotic for my mother and hence she thinks I'm an incredibly filthy slob.

SB is neater than me, but only slightly more. We have similar ways of organizing things, so it works out well for us. However, when we moved in, I really tried to have a fresh start and quickly unpack things so that I can have friends and family over to show of the place and have a cozy home that I can invite friends over to. Something to prove to my mom that I can be a good home-person and a good wife and mother. Because she certainly doesn't think I can as she continuously reminds me because I'm fat and a slob. So when the flooding and leaking started, I cracked and despaired. Still despairing. Because now I'll never be able to have my house up on time to invite folks over and be a good hostess. And our house will always be a mess.

It makes me wonder many times a day why I even bother waking up anymore. Or living. This isn't a suicide threat or a call for help. I'm not going to off myself. But I just don't feel like doing anything anymore - or even bother trying. I feel so alone and helpless. I have no friends to talk to. And it's hard making friends because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone or tell them how I feel like - like in this blog.

SB keeps reassuring me that everything will be alright and that this is temporary. In my mind, I know he's right. But for now, I feel so alone. And it hurts that my mom called my house messy and me a slob.

End of rant.

The Holidays...

Don't get me wrong. I'm no grinch. I love government-sanctioned holidays and any excuse to party and make merry. But this Christmas, I feel so incredibly not-cheerful. I'm homesick. I hate the cold and I hate the fact that Eid was me cooking desi food.

As for my spirituality, it's taken quite a beating over a few years or so. I love the cultural aspects and the good humanitarian things I learn from being a Muslim, but I can't say I believe in Islam any more. I'm not sure what I believe really. Perhaps I'm more of an agnostic. I believe in an upper deity that is 'God', but I can't blindly and completely believe in Islam.

It was definitely easier being a Muslim in Dubai. Everything is catered to Muslims. Coming to Canada meant I had to try even harder at being one. And I tried. I really did. But so many things happened to shake my faith that I've come to the conclusion: the cake is a lie. Yes, geek reference. By 'cake', I mean religion. And not just Islam, every religion. But hey, I'm not out to convert the world or convince anyone they're wrong. People have the right to believe what they want to. I know my mother finds comfort in Islam, and so do many others. Religion isn't just believing certain things exist: it's also about a lifestyle, a community, a culture.

And that's where I differ from atheists. I don't want the culture to go away. I mean the bad things like intolerance and narrow-mindedness, sure. But things like Eid, Christmas, Diwali, Hannukah. All the good stuff. All the celebrating and family time. I miss that.

This year, both Eids were almost non-existent. And initially, I blamed it to being in a house where people don't know any better. But then I realised it was also my fault. Eid is as important to me as Christmas is to SB and his family. I should have been more vocal and demanded that Eid be celebrated the way I've always celebrated it. But I let it just simmer and boil over until I got so mad that I was always pissed off at SB and every time his mom had suggestions for the wedding, I would be even madder for the wedding turning into a 'white-wedding' affair and not something that celebrates the both of us. As a sidebar, when I say white-wedding, I mean the white dress and everything that goes into a North American, western-world wedding, not the white-race.

The biggest struggle of our wedding is finding balance in the celebration. We're having a secular, civil marriage. His folks aren't practising Christians and therefore a religious wedding never was on their mind. My mom would like us to have a Nikah. So I asked SB if he would mind having one in addition to the civil marriage. He said no. Fair enough - I'm not about coercion. He respects my decision to want to stay a Muslim even though I'm not much of one. So I'm respecting his decision to not want to participate in anything religious. So, that being said, we're trying to incorporate as many non-religious cultural aspects from both sides and to make both families feel included and not alienated. I do not want either family attending to say "They left us out."

My biggest fear is my mom feeling left out of the wedding like she did with my sister. My sister eloped and since then, hasn't really been able to be a Muslim, even though she has more faith and adherence to me. Her in-laws and husband won't allow it. I've always been the more level-headed, more responsible child and I really want my mom to feel like she's part of something great even though SB is not Muslim.

However, the wedding may turn into a one-sided affair as my family is scattered throughout the world and not many people are in Canada. I have very few, if none, desi friends here. It's expensive getting a visa and airfare plus hotel to come to my wedding. Whereas most of SB's family lives here or in the surrounding area. So, try as I might, hardly anyone from my side is going to show up. And I feel so alone. Which makes me wonder why even bother making an effort to have my culture in it when hardly anyone in my family is going to be there. I'm still not wearing a white dress, though. White makes me look fat. Plus where I come from, it's a sign of mourning. I'm going to wear red. Red is good.

So back to the point I was trying to make. Eid is important to me. It's my Christmas. It's my one thing from childhood that makes me happy. And in our married life, I want it celebrated with the same enthusiasm as Christmas. I want my new-found family and friends to come over and partake in an Eid feast, have Eidi and Eid-related customs. I want it on the goddamn family calender. I don't want it to be a 'desi' night supper. Or have my mom-in-law cook so many non-desi food items to accompany it that my main dish becomes an appetiser. Ramadan is also important to me.

SB understands though. I guess I'm still resentful that this year was the year was almost absent. I hope next year will be different. It has to.

The Simple Life?

Yes, my posts have been sporadic. Most of my readers and fellow bloggers and friends have moved on. My blog is not what it used to be. Moving to Canada has been stressful. It still is in so many ways. Before, my blog was a way to relieve my stress and find some comfort out in the big, bad virtual world. Now, I depend on my soon-to-be husband, SB. But with him busy all the time - I'm probably back to my musings here. Or rather, my whiny little rants because I have no friends or life.

So.....welcome back, me.

As I was saying, we're getting married in a few months. He's gotten a job - actually two. We're going to be moving out of his parent's basement and into an apartment of our own. I'm still unemployed and incredibly depressed. Maybe bored, frustrated and depressed.

So, with SB hard at work earning the bread and bacon for us, I'm working at making sure we have a home and stress-free wedding. I hope that my contribution to this relationship is my time and domestic skills. Because right now, I feel absolutely neutered and powerless. I've always hated being at someone else's financial mercy, and I certainly hate it now too. I've seen my mom and sister stuck depending on their spouses for money and I'm slowly turning into them. Of course, SB is nothing like my dad or brother-in-law. He is the kindest person I've ever known and he treats me so well. But with my meagre savings that are dwindling thanks to Bell's eye-gauging cancellation fees (Never again am I going back to them), I have to depend on SB's income while I look for a job.

Any time money is involved, I feel obligated. Because in the past, I've always been reminded constantly that someone was picking my tab. Be it school fees or even gifts, there was no such thing as a freebie. I was always indebted to someone and I hated that feeling. I don't want to be nice to someone because I'm indebted to them, but because I want to. A free roof over my head comes with strings attached. This growing feeling of indebtedness is what depresses me so much. I'll never be able to pay anyone back and it makes me resent everyone and every thing. And being unemployed makes me feel even more powerless and more indebted to everyone, thus continuing the circle.

I'm hoping moving out and settling into a domestic life might make all these bad feeling go away. Maybe even use the time at home to do something productive, like write a book or start a podcast. Maybe my own catering company or something. Perhaps wedding planning. Seeing as how weddings are so bloody expensive here, maybe I can make some decent cash planning stuff like that. Maybe restart my henna and face-painting freelancing jobs. Something. Anything to make me feel less useless.

Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in a tub of Nutella....

What's that sparkly thing on my hand?

I suppose I have some good news to share with all the random lurkers on the intar-webs and for the few remaining people who read my blog.

Yes, I got engaged. Yes, it spak-kawwls!

And yes, I'm getting married to SB. After a year and half of long distance dating, be it Dubai-KW or London-KW, we have decided to be together at the same place and time :) It's been so crazy the last few months - what with moving, my mom coming to Canada for my graduation and then trying to find a job (and still looking), that this blog has been getting lots of cobwebs.

As for the wedding - its happening next year, sometime June or May depending on which venue we get. I'm trying not to be a Bridezilla - but sometimes my well meaning mom and future mom-in-law drive me a little crazy. I end up getting it in stereo now that they've BFFs and all since graduation.

I suppose the only fly in the ointment is the fact that I'm still unemployed. I feel a little bit more demotivated and depressed as each day passes. It's not that I'm not landing jobs because of crummy interviews - I'm having trouble even getting past the 'Please apply online' or anything that involves dealing with a person. Online applications are nice to apply to - but they won't land me any jobs. All the jobs where I've managed to get an interview or even get employed involved actually meeting the recruiter and them knowing me by name. So its frustrating that even minimum wage jobs that don't require anything except a working pulse are now recruiting online. Which means that I can't get a job, related to my career or not. Part of me wishes I could go back to Dubai because I know I'll be employed within a month - with a decent pay, even though it will be the 'brown' wage, and not a wage I deserve. But that defeats the purpose of me coming to Canada in the first place - to make a new home.

But wedding planning and being with SB makes me happy. He might be a big Swedish bouncer-like man, but he's really just a big ol' softie. He loves me and respects me. He would never hurt me - at least not knowingly. And he's always the first to apologize and admit when he's wrong. Sure, he can sometimes get annoying by being a bit of a know-it-all and a stickler for diction and pronunciation, but if that's the worst he can be, I'm happy. Unlike the other men I've dated or the male 'role models' I've had in my life, he doesn't verbally abuse me, or put me down. He doesn't have a 'my way or the highway' attitude and expect that his word is law in our house. He doesn't smoke and he doesn't really drink. Nor has he squandered money and expects me to run the house like a 1950's housewife and also bring home the bacon. Of course, he may go back to school and that's the time I'll be the bread winner, but its still about us and he's more than helped me out while I was a student and now unemployed. He cooks and does laundry and isn't afraid to do domestic chores. He's a great cook - better than me, although he still has to learn the finer points of desi cooking. Although he's made better roti than me - and he was awesome in making the samosa dough perfect. I just need to wean him off the ready-made yellow powder that North Americans call 'curry powder' and make sure he never touches that ghastly thing again. Yes, I am a spice snob. And I can afford to be because he's a bigger food snob than me - so I'm just refining his Indian culinary palate.

*sigh* Now if I can just get a job...

Graduation and rainbow cakes

So I'm currently 'fun-employed'. School's over, I've moved out of London and I'm crashing at SB's place until I find a job and can afford rent. My bank balance is at an all-time low, but I have to hope it's just temporary. I've applied for the first stage of a two-stage process for my PR in Canada, so I've got my fingers crossed at this point.

My mom finally got her visit visa to Canada so she'll be here for my graduation in about a week's time. Gosh how time flies. Speaking of graduation, here's my class photo:

Yep, we're a small class but this past year was so much fun, despite the drama and crazy room-mates.

So back to my mom. She is coming and she will be staying at SB's place with me, him and his folks. It's going to be the first time she'll be meeting all of them. So SB's mom has gone all crazy and decided to renovate "Chez SB", saying things like "I've been wanting to do this for 20 years but your dad (SB senior) wouldn't let me."

Yes, Chez SB is 20 years old with a lot of stuff tucked away in nooks and crannies over the years. And there hasn't been a massive cleaning and throwing away of stuff in like...ever. Or so SB says. I get the feeling SB's mom just waited for him to grow up so that she could do all the things she couldn't do because SB senior wouldn't do it.

So there's now new light fixtures, a ceiling fan in the hall, and my room being turned upside down so we could repaint it. All before my mom arrives on the 10th. And both his mom and I have fallen really sick with some viral bug while the men are disgustingly healthy. Both of us womenfolk give them the middle finger every time they laugh at our misery - but they have tucked us in bed and helped out.

Last week or so was also SB and Sam's joint birthday party. Since I am penniless and I wanted to create something thoughtful, I decided to bake two birthday cakes for the birthday boys. For SB, because he's on a low-carb, high-protein Atkins diet, I made him a meat dish and a cake that was more for the party guests than for him.

Little ones who came to the party had a chance to decorate it. I got the idea and recipe from Sweetapolita's food blog. It's even better on the inside:

It's rainbow-layered!

For Sam's cake, I wanted to honour him being our DM for Dungeons and Dragons, so I made another rainbow-layered cake, but with a DnD themed fondant cover:

The edges around the cake says 'Choose your weapon'. And here are some details:

The dice and many figurines are plastic. We bought him a booster pack and some crazier dice (d24 and d30) to put on the cake for an epic battle.

I used toothpicks for the arrows, and fondant to make a zombie and some imps:

The wing later fell off, so I just added an arrow:

And the blood was a mixture or red candy melts and red food colouring. One tip: never add food colouring to candy melts because they seize and make it a bitch to manipulate later.
One more shot (yes, I am quite proud of this):

Sam loved it. And I have to give credit to SB for helping me bake the cake.

So that's all for now. More later

Homesick

So much has happened since the last time I wrote on this here blog.

I'm on my final semester and it's tough but interesting, although I just wish it could end so I can move to KW and start working. My January internship went rather well, although I get the feeling I'm not as driven as most journalists are. I don't even know if I'm driven about anything at all.

To be honest, most days I feel like I'm a poser and I'm waiting for people to tell me so. When I go represent the media and interview people for radio or for whatever, I'm waiting for them to tell me to get lost because I'm no journalist. Instead they talk to me and treat me with respect, grateful that someone is covering what they're trying to do. Other times they tell me to go away, but not because I'm a poser, but because I'm a journalist. I find it hard to feel like I'm one, even if I'm studying to become one.

Perhaps because news was never my thing. When I think of journalism, I think of people scribbling away on notepads and rushing towards a press deadline. I worked in a paper, but not as a reporter. I was a web person, someone that journalists turned to when they needed their online copy fixed or changed.

I also realised how much I hate slush. Snow looks beautiful and feels pretty, especially when they're flaky enough that you can see the crystal patterns with a naked eye and glisten like diamonds. But slush is messy, disgusting and deceptively slippery. And then you get snow-poopers and litterbugs whose gross deeds get uncovered as the snow melts.

I'm also very sad and homesick. Maybe it's just the weather. Probably is the weather. But I cry every night and find it hard to sleep. I feel overwhelmed. I try to just do things one step at a time and it's working, but most days I want to just curl into a ball and do nothing. I miss working and earning money. I miss just having certain food items available without having to go too far from home. I miss having a car and being able to take off anywhere I want to. I miss not having to wear three layers of clothing before I put an overcoat. Or even not having to wear an overcoat. I miss my mom. I miss being able to go watch a Bollywood film when it's out in the theatre rather than waiting a few months for a good DVD-rip.

SB has been good to me though. So has his family. They've gone out of their way to make me feel like I have a family here. Things are going well with him. We've been together for 15 months and counting.

Despite the whining and homesickness, I know I've made the right decision coming here. I guess I'm just suffering from milestone-envy. I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or event attendent and I want to be the bride or mommy-to-be. I want to get out the student-phase (which seems never ending) and start a family soonish. Worry about sick babies or flowers gone wrong or what's for dinner, rather than counting pennies to see if I have enough for a Timmy's bagel and homework deadlines.

I'm done bitchin' and complainin' for now.

Updated blog

Check out my new website that has most of my written and TV work here:
Martian Musings

*ahem*

Ahhhhhh London. I never realized how wet and icky rain can be until I moved here. It rains atleast once a week, if not more. It rains for five minutes, and then the sun pops out, only to rain once again. I can forget my wallet at home, but not my umbrella. I live in my raincoat.

But I suppose I'd chose rain over extreme heat. And with fall here, my town is just so pretty. Different shades of red, orange, yellow and green, with lots of in-between shades blending in as the leaves fall down and all over.

As for school, things have been incredibly busy, but so much more fun than summer. I recently finished my TV segment and started radio and it's just been an eye-opener. Interviewing people is not as scary as I thought it would be. And I definitely have the face for radio. I don't like being on air for TV, but I certainly want to be a presenter on radio. And the best part is that people don't care about my accent. Not that my accent was ever so strong. It just never fit in the categories that Dubai stations wanted me to fit in to. If anything, I'm considered 'exotic', so it's all good.

SB might be heading back to school too. Not now, but next September. Shortly after I finish my degree. I'm very excited for him and I'm happy he wants to head back to school.

It's also Thanksgiving here. Yummy. I haven't had a nice Thanksgiving dinner since I was in Boston. And I spent my first Canadian Thanksgiving with SB and his folks. Doing family things. Having a full turkey dinner. Watching a movie together. It made me think of my own and I miss my mom a lot. I miss our take-out Thursdays and just watching a movie while munching on either KFC or shawarma.

I'm thinking about putting up my articles and features up on my blog. Perhaps not this one, but the other one meant for all ,y fiction and non-fiction stuff.

I realize I've let this blog collect more than just a few cobwebs, but being in a program that demands my creative and journalistic writing skills has taken a toll on blogging. Not to mention the fact that I have to join our class blog for our online journalism class, so there you have it.

Is anyone out there?

Back in Dubai...

...Yup. Good to be home?

Kinda.

I did miss mom a lot and I did miss the cheap eats in my home town. But it surprisingly feels foreign to me.

I no longer see Dubai as my home. Sure, its the city I was born in and where I've spent 25 years and grown up in. But coming back here feels like how going to Dhaka feels like - it's supposed to be 'home', but its really just a place you go to for vacations.

Ontario is now my home. Even if I do complain about taxes and how expensive everything is and the fact that I can't get real shawarmas there. Thinking about staying back in Dubai gives me unpleasant feelings. I like Canada and I want to stay there. Dubai depresses me a little.

I suppose it's because I feel like I have a better social life in Canada. I can just walk out of my building and go meet friends a few blocks down. If needed, I can walk to school, even if takes me about 30-40 minutes to do so. I feel independent. I cook, clean and do everything myself, and bear the consequences of things like having no clean underwear if I forget to do my laundry. I'm now more helpful at mom's place because I've been doing a lot of things for myself in Canada. I feel somewhat more responsible. And I feel just a little more grown up. I even cooked for a few friends and threw a dinner party.

Being on my own also gave me space to think and to kind of start forgiving people - or at the very least not care about gossip. I've added many of my cousins and aunts and uncles back on Facebook. I don't really care if they know I have a boyfriend. SB and I are serious about each other and I'm incredibly lucky and happy that I'm dating him. I'm very proud of him and want the world to know I'm dating him and that he's mine. And that I love him. And he loves me back. His family loves me. I have a Canadian family of sorts, including my best bud (and adopted brother) Sam. Best of all, SB isn't just my other half, he's my best friend.

Anyhow, enough sappy stuff. Now that I'm in town for about 3 weeks, time to meet up with the few friends left in town and pah-tayyy! Also get my game on with faves such as WoW, DDO, and MTGO. And a few offline faves like Caesar 3, Olympus, Emperor, Pharoah and Dungeon Keeper.

Oh, I'm also going to be a DM for a 3.5ed D&D game in London. So gotta get my campaign set up.

And yes, I am a geek/nerd.

Decisions...

Another ten days till I'm back in Dubai for a summer break.

I'm a little excited. I miss my mom, I miss cheap food and I miss things being relatively cheap. SB says I keep mentioning that every time I shop and grumble about tax.

I guess I haven't quite considered Canada as home yet. In my defence, its only been three months so far, whereas I've lived in Dubai for over 25 years. I'll get there soon enough. Plus I have Sam and SB and his folks making me feel more at home. I guess I'll feel more at home once I move out of student housing and get a place of my own. Which won't be till about a year from now - still need to graduate, find a job, get some moolah.

TV has been exhausting. I liked radio the most, even though I felt more at ease with TV. My TV story was/is about the London Mosque opening after spending three years renovating it. I attended the opening ceremony and it was really nice. I loved the fact that the Muslim community was so welcoming and eager to open their doors to everyone - including non-Muslims. I'll be heading there again this weekend to do some more interviews. This time I'll be taking SB too - it'll be a good experience for him. Not only will he see me at work, but he will get to see a part of my culture and religion.

Every day I spend with SB makes me fall more in love with him. The things he does make me wonder what I ever did to deserve him. Sure, he has his quirks: he's incredibly OCD about where and how things should be kept. He'll even put incorrectly placed products on the right shelves at supermarkets. He can also be a grammar Nazi and correct my English at very awkward moments (like infront of my interview subjects or professors). But then he'll do things like wash the dishes or cook for me without being asked. Or get my groceries despite my protests. Or come up from behind and snuggle up and kiss me on my neck while I'm cooking. And put up with my little quirks like wanting to add to an ever growing list of groceries.

I will miss him during my time in Dubai. I will miss him a lot.

We also had our first meeting regarding our January internship. I'm excited and freaked out at the same time. Part of me thinks I'll do horrible and that no-one will ever hire me here. Especially after hearing awesome stories of previous graduates and all the amazing work they did on their internships. I'm incredibly torn about whether to specialize in radio or in TV. I was really sure I wanted to do radio wen I got in, but now I'm not so sure. I definitely want to find work in either London or in the KW area. I'm not sure if I want to be in the GTA and Toronto. It never really felt like a place I want to live in.

Decisions, decisions....