The rather lengthy update...

I know I'm going to be fucked by staying up so late (or early) and writing this. But as those who suffer from writer's block and a rather busy life know, you have to give in when inspiration strikes.

First up, a few updates on my life.

I got in to my dream program and I'll be heading to great, big, frozen north shortly before my birthday - that would be mid-April. A little over a month. Finally, going to the one country I've been dreaming about for months, doing the Master's I've been wanting to do and being with the man I love. I must have done something right the past few months (or even in a past life if that floats your boat).

Speaking of my man, SB reads my blog. Yup, my first ever main squeeze that reads this space. It just felt right telling him about it. Although this is quite a public forum to be maintaining a slightly private diary, there has been some privacy in anonymity. Plus, despite all the raunchy posts, there have been many things I don't write about here.

Being with SB has made me feel far safer than anyone. Even P never read this. I may have mentioned that I wrote a blog, but he never asked, and I never volunteered giving the URL. There was a part of me that still didn't feel safe - and sure enough I was right. I doubt he'd be too pleased reading about everything I'd written about, especially in the last few months.

But I digress. I suppose having a long-distance relationship, even for a while, really helps in getting to know a person. You spend time talking and learning new things about the person. Plus with him, things seemed to just click. Despite our incredibly contrasting lives and experiences - him having a rather happy, secure life versus my rather colorful and checkered past - we complement each other so well. He wanted to know more about me, and I told him whatever I could. But my memory does get pretty lousy and after telling him quite a few doozies that aren't documented in my blog, he still stuck around. So, my gut didn't object much when I thought about handing him the key to a diary containing over four years of my life - the good, the bad and the very ugly.

And he's still around. Which is a good sign isn't it?

He understands why I blog. Rather than being judgmental about the content, he listened. If anything, reading it made us closer (I hope). He wants me to continue writing.

On the work-front, I gave my 30-day notice earlier in the month and my last day will be on the 31st. I can't wait to quit - I'd been looking for an opportunity and getting in to the program worked quite nicely. We launched on the new platform and our website looks really good. But in terms of the working environment, it's been getting more and more toxic. Whether it is my patience dwindling or the fact that I'm surrounded by incompetence and blatant favoritism and racism, I'm glad I'm leaving now. I am grateful to my boss and the company that gave me great opportunities as a fresh grad, but the company no longer exists and the person who hired me is no longer around. It is time for me to move on. More bitching later.

I got my house sorted out in London (again Ontario, not UK). Yes, in this part of the world, I have to keep saying London ONTARIO and asked dumb questions like:
"How can London be in Canada?"
"But I thought you said Canada?"
"Do you pay in dollars or in pounds?" (yes, someone actually asked me that)

All that's left is complete my last few days at work, get my visa sorted out, pack my stuff and sell my car. Anyone interested in a 2003 Echo?

I is IN!!!!!

I GOT IN TO MY DREAM PROGRAM!!!!!

I may have mentioned being wait-listed for the program I had applied last last year in my previous post. Well, I GOT IN!!!!! *high-pitched squeal*

Which also means I have less than two months to quit my job, sell my car, get my finances in order and head to London (Ontario, not UK). It also means that I'll be so much closer to SB! We won't be in the same town, he's about an hour away and we'd definitely be together every weekend.

I feel so relieved, yet anxious. Now that Step 1 in my ultimate goal is done, it's time to do Step 2, which in itself is a whole bunch of goals and things to do. But as SB says, take everything one step at a time.

V-Day and more...

This week was certainly not my week. I've felt like a black cat that had Penelope Pitstop cross its path.

Work, college applications and family drama have sucked my brain dry, making it very hard for me to blog or write or do anything beyond my daily routine. Which is wake up; go to work where I multi-task between updating the site, checking out college-applications and chatting with SB; come home and chat with SB, check out college-applications and watch some TV; sleep for a few hours and 'rinse and repeat ad nauseum'.

Work has me incredibly frustrated. I found out that despite being an editor, I'm currently the lowest paid staff of the group, a little above the man I truly detest. I feel absolutely demotivated, over-worked, under-paid and incredibly under-appreciated. But I'm still staying. You know why? Because I'm hoping my time is limited in Dubai and that I get in to a Canadian college soon. I can take leave when I like, call in sick or work from home should nothing function at office, which is nowadays all the time. I work night shifts which doesn't leave much room for a social life in Dubai, but allows me to be in touch with Canadian group of friends, including SB. Night shifts also means fewer hours when things are functioning and efficient. Withe exception of one person, I also really like my co-workers and I bond well with my boss(es).

I still hate my job despite me sticking around *sigh*.

SB and I We are doing great so far. Yes, 'we'. I feel safe enough to uae 'we', 'our' and 'us' in regards to my darling. I admit I've been a horrible girlfriend the past week due to work/college applications/stress/family drama, but he's been a great sport about it and an awesome boyfriend. Valentine's day was special despite not being able to spend it together. I had sent him a beautiful black leather wallet from Jafferjee's with embossed initials in silver, along with a cute lil birthday Valentine's card. He was quite pleased with it. I, on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised by the arrival of these on my desk:

The bouquet, which had 13 roses, one for each week we've been together:

Ok, it didn't exactly happen like that. The 14th was a little more topsy-turvy than I bargained for. I didn't get much sleep due to the fact that an Etisalat technician came over to upgrade our home to fibre-optics. Due to the fact that my room is a dead-zone for both TV and internet, they had to drill a hole in the wall separating my room and mum's to build a telecom socket. Also pretty much messing up my room while doing so.

So off I went to work with no sleep whatsoever. Before having to do that, my mom asked me to drop her near her office. After dropping her, I ended up bumping into a guy as I exited - ok, I know its my fault. The car in front of me took the turn and then braked - as he was in my blind-sight, I didn't see the braking bit and bumped into him. Off we go to the station where not only will my insurance get jacked a few notches - I also got a AED400 fine as a 'processing fee'.

So I reach work and I get a call from both Hamy and some strange guy - Hamy wanted to meet me to 'deliver something', while the strange guy was a flower shop deliver guy. Hamy meets me at my office and gives me the yummy chocolates, courtesy of SB, which was a very pleasant surprise to my otherwise really horrid day.

The flower guy was another thing altogether. My office isn't clearly marked, but it isn't that hard to find either. For a delivery person, the dude was really bad with directions and pretty much had no knowledge of Dubai roads. I told him near MoE and gave him incredibly explicit locations. I can understand if someone got lost within Al Qouz/Barsha area, but this guy got lost in a complete-missed-the-mark way. First he goes to Dubai Mall, than Jumeirah, than a few other locations that are anywhere but MoE and then decides to say 'fuck it' and go back to the flower shop in Deira without informing me! By that time I was really agitated - I really wanted to see what SB had gotten me and also irritated at the guy's incompetency. By the time SB came online to wish me, it was about 9pm. I was in tears through no sleep, long day, non-functioning internet and being surrounded by utter idiots. Thank god for BlackBerry. Oh did I mention I bought a BB? More on that later. Anyhow, he contacted the flower shop in his own way and finally the manager or shop owner called me up, took down the location and delivered the flowers personally by 10pm. Topsy-turvy day for sure, that ended on a good note. Oh, and we had a double movie date - watched Kal Ho Na Ho and 27 Dresses.

I'm still quite sleep deprived so I'll leave you with some cute pictures of a salt-n-pepper shaker I saw at a restaurant a few days back:

Now altogether - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

School update...

There has been a development regarding the applications. I thought I'd email the school I've been talking about for weeks to see what's happening. Turns out I've been wait-listed. As in I would be accepted only if there was any spots open. As in someone who did get accepted would have to decline, die, or choose another school instead. *sigh*

I was really heart broken and a little devastated getting the news. I know it isn't an absolute no, but its highly probable I won't get in this year. Which means I'm stuck for another year.

I cried and was pretty inconsolable for hours. SB was there for me and calmed me down. He even gave me the idea to check out local colleges that offer post-grad certificates and diplomas and are still accepting applications for the Fall/Winter intake.

After I calmed down and stopped throwing a hissy fit, I realised that I had put all my eggs in one basket and that it might be a good idea to try colleges over universities. They're cheaper, I'd be so much closer to my friends and they're much more hands-on then some universities. Of course, nothing would be better than doing my Master's in my dream school, but I need to re-evaluate.

My bigger concern is immigration over getting a degree. I can always pursue a master's later - probably pay less as I'd be considered a 'local' student vs an 'international' student.

What's been really awesome throughout this roller-coaster of emotions has been SB's support, as well as my mom's. I'd like to think I take rejection rather well, even though I may not act like it. Going to Canada has been a very, very, very long dream of mine - over 10 years and counting. I've bided my time, made compromises and never really made such a big effort until last year. Mostly because I wanted to get things right before attempting to migrate. I don't ever want to do anything shady or live like an alien without any rights. I am a law-abiding person. Plus family issues have prevented me from actively pursuing getting out of here.

But now I just want out. I love Dubai and it is and will always be my home, but I want out. I'm tired of hitting the expat-glass ceiling, the woman-glass ceiling and the desi-glass ceiling in regards to wages, attitudes and many other things. I'm tired of hearing how an Emirati/Arab/white dude who has half the experience and/or education as me gets paid over triple my current salary. I'm tired of hearing how some Arab staff got a few thousand extra as a 'inflation correction' to their current salary. I'm tired of feeling threatened in my own home. I'm tired of having to simmer and stew in frustration instead of being able to defend or protect myself. I've reached a point where I don't feel proud of who or what I am because of societal attitudes. I'm sick of double standards.

So now I will do whatever I can within legal means to get out of here. Even if it means doing a certificate or diploma or even a bachelors all over again instead of getting a Master's. Because I really want to get out.

I hate my job...

Any moment now and I'll know if I'm in. Just to be on the safe side, I've applied to another fine institution - which means I now have two chances to get in.

Even though the waiting time has shortened from three months to now weeks, the time period gets longer as the days get shorter. The more I think about it, the more the wait seems to grow. Although time has passed by pretty fast due to our weekly movie dates, DnD and generally having a pleasant time with SB.

Big changes are currently happening at work - hopefully all good. Still very short on staff, so I feel bad for my boss if and when I get accepted into university and have to resign.

My plant-head is now balding and getting a weird white fuzz all over - perhaps its aging?

For those of you that know me on FB, I've become quite addicted to Vampire Wars and Castle Age in addition to a long-running, yet interest-waning Mafia Wars. Blame that on SB. Well no, can't blame him on much except for introducing me to them. The rest is all me - they are highly addictive, especially Castle Age.

Friday Edit: The above was written almost four days ago. Things at work have been really crazy. I was so agitated and irritated by everything I was close enough to quit. It was like trying to perform a delicate and complex neurosurgery using plastic cutlery. Being stuck in the middle of a corporate takeover with no IT support, no machines, no internet and then being expected to deliver things on time is just a sorry-ass joke. It reached a point where I wanted to tell the powers-that-be to stop jerking us around and give us the required support or just put us out of our misery and fire us. Because working everyday from 5pm to 7am and doing absolutely zilch due to nothing working was not something I cared to do indefinitely. I hate work. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

I'm bored...and sad

Tonight is going to be a very, very, very long night. I'm stuck with the slowpoke.

That lil nugget of info aside, I finally got my money back from P. I can finally shut that chapter of my life for good. I felt relief. I also felt sadness. Like when a distant-yet-fond-of relative dies, or a pet spider. I know I've spent many months grieving about this - so I shouldn't feel anything right now - right? I don't really. I mean I don't feel anything for him, yet seeing a bond die still hurts a bit. But not to worry, I'll get over it soon enough.

I've finally figured out what to do about a top-secret project, details of which I will reveal in due time. Sorry. But it's going to be very big indeed.

Mom has thawed a little, mainly due to the fact that SB sent her a sweet email introducing himself. She replied back and hopefully she no longer thinks of him as the devil's spawn. Not that he ever was, but she seemed to act that way.

Back to the grind.

Games...

Yes, I've not been blogging much. That would probably be due to actually having a social life, or any sort of life. Until I get dumped or find myself alone, you may see a big gap in posts.

My social life has largely been of the virtual sort. SB and I are doing great and there's no sign of it letting up anytime soon. Although the geophysical distance can be frustrating, it hasn't really affected our relationship as a whole. Funny thing is, I miss him and I don't. I'm lonely, but I'm not alone.

The internet and voice chat have been a blessing and an industrial-strength binder to our relationship. It not only makes the wait less frustrating, it's given us opportunity to really get to know each other - and it seems like we're a geeky match made in Heaven (or something on those lines if you don't believe in heaven). We talk regularly and I think I've spent almost every waking minute with him - hence why I don't miss him and why I don't feel alone.

I've also discovered a new passion. Well, it was always there in its latent form. But DnD has pretty much taken my passion for fantasy fiction to another level. It not only lets me walk into the realm of fantasy, but allows me to live and create my own universe with like-minded people. I have found my home. With SB and my best bud in it.

Oh, and if you're bored, you should try this funny lil game.

Another month or so for that damn letter to show up.

Movies and more...

I've calmed down considerably after my previous outburst. There is a sort of cold-war/rocky-truce going on between my mother and I. I'm not quite sure what to do about, but I'm hurt enough to be a little petulent and not apologise yet.

I had sent a lovely Xmas card to SB around December 15/16th. I didn't expect it to arrive by Xmas day - Infact, I figured it would be in by maybe New Year's or shortly after. It's the 9th and still no sign of the card. So far, only Al has gotten his. It worries me a little. And they were such pretty cards.

Things between SB and I have been going great. I'm building an awesome rapport with his mum, which feels bittersweet. Bittersweet because it reminds me of my situation at home. His parents have been so awesome and accepting of me, yet my mom refuses to even know him. It makes me sad that she can't look beyond all the crap of my past (and hers), cultural differences and see how happy he makes me.

All she sees at the moment is that he is "non-Muslim". Oh, possibly "white" too. She doesn't see that he is loving, respectful and willing to learn about my culture and my religion. No, I'm not trying to convert him and I don't want to. To be honest, SB and I are very similar on our opinions about religion and spirituality. We don't agree on everything, but we do understand and respect each other's opinion and we agree on overall respect, acceptance and tolerance one should have for each other. I guess a sort of humanist view.

Our weekly movie dates have expanded into a sort of family night. Not only is it just the two of us, but his mom has joined us, with his dad hopefully joining in this week. It's my pick this time and I thought I would show "Rang De Basanti". Not only is it a brilliant film, but it will hopefully give them some insight into Indian history. As it is a long movie, we would probably watch it in two parts over two nights.

I think these weekly dates are a great way to mark and pass time until I finally land there. Plus, we get to watch more movies - him on Bollywood greats, me on some great Hollywood and indie films.

*sigh* I miss him.

Frustrated and tired

I know I will probably be breaking my resolution, but by now I don't really give a flying fuck. This is one of those times where I feel so frustrated and trapped and I feel like no-one understands or cares. And I don't want the stupid 'be positive' and 'happy' crap. You don't have to deal with my shit, so don't even try to think it's small or silly.

Things came to a breaking point today when my mom wanted me to see a new TV series she's watching called Mahi Way, which is about an over-weight girl. She said I reminded her of that girl. I just screamed at her and stormed into my room. I cried hard before managing to pull myself together and head to work.

I am truly sick of my mom always bugging me about two things - my weight and the state of my uterus. I've spent over 15 years hearing that crap - no matter what I do, it all boils down to my weight and my period.

It's not like I haven't tried. I've gone to doctors, lost so much weight that my mom started complaining about me getting too thin. But nothing works - I still can't be like a 'normal' woman and get my period every month. It's just not happening. Other doctors hinted I should 'get married', a euphemism for getting laid. Tried that - no change. Short of trying to get pregnant (which is an absolute no-no), I've tried just about every single cure under the sun. Juices, prayers, expensive hormone treatments, shrinks - everything. It's reached a point where I fake getting my period every month to stop my mother from asking about it. Hey - she's not going to check to see if the napkins are bloody - as long as there are used napkins in the bin.

I am not trying to be melodramatic when I say I'd rather get a hysterectomy if that will make everyone just shut up. I am just that tired and frustrated.

I don't know if I will be able to have a kid or not. And frankly, that doesn't matter to me either. Why bring another innocent being into such a miserable world? Why is having someone that is genetically yours so important? If I truly wanted a child, I could care less if he/she were my own or someone else's. On the other hand, it is unfair to deprive my future partner, whoever that may be, the chance of having their own genetically-matched mini-hims.

So what do I do? Never get married? Never get involved because it is doomed to fail because I can't get my period? I am just reminded everyday by my mom, my sister and whoever else what a failure I am as a woman.

I am reminded of that every time I eat - how fattening each bite it is, regardless of the fact that my mom cooked it herself or that she ordered it. I am reminded of it each time I wake up, because I haven't eaten and I don't have time to eat before going to work. I am reminded of it each time I get home because I haven't eaten at work and dig something out of the fridge or pick something to eat on the way home. I am reminded of it each time we go out to eat and no matter what I order, it is 'not healthy'.

I hate food. Yet I love it. I can't enjoy anything I eat because I am reminded of how bad it is, how it is the cause of my weight and my missing period and how I am a big, fat failure as a woman because I can't have kids because of my missing period and how I'll die alone because no-one will love me because I'm so fat and I can't get my period and have children. And if anyone thinks any differently, then they must be a chubby-chaser or a freak. Which is what my mother clearly thinks about SB because there is no way he could possibly like me for me.

She said as much when I tried sharing my feeling about him, and trying to tell her about how happy he makes me. He's weird if he's a player, and weird if he's never had a girlfriend - he's the latter, btw. No matter what nice thing I told my mom about him, she would say something mean. And then she started on my weight - "lose some weight". I asked her how it was relevant to the topic. She replied, he won't like you otherwise. I said that he liked me the way I am, and that there's more to me than my weight. And she said, why? Does he like fat girls then? To which I just stormed off. It really hurt.

I am just so tired and frustrated about everything. I know my mom is an awesome and nice person, but I hate her when she goes on about things like this. I hate it so much that I just wish I could die.

Instead all I do is hate myself even more and decide to go on a hunger strike. From now on, all I'm ever going to have is ciggarettes every time I think of food, some water to prevent dehydration, and a small square of dark chocolate so that I don't faint due to low blood sugar.

I must go for a smoke now...

Happy 2010

Picture courtesy of Stained

So we're now in a new decade and new year. I thought this lovely picture by a very talented photographer and fellow blogger would be apt for a post on the new year.

So how did I spend the last night of 2009? In short, a barbecue with the few friends left in Dubai, as well as with my sister and her friends. The longer version may have me cribbing about the many things that went wrong hat night. Like going camping in the desert without any wood or water. And being incredibly late. Also cooking in the freezing dark. But despite those little hiccups, I did enjoy my evening, and received a call from SB at the stroke of midnight to wish me a happy 2010. Followed by me calling him at 9am my time, his midnight, to wish him a happy new year. Although being quite groggy and sleep-deprived, I may have wished him happy birthday instead. I'm not quite sure.

Speaking of which, I think I may have a new year's resolution: to crib and bitch less about things that go wrong in my life. My life is far from perfect, so there's plenty of things I can bitch and moan about. But I've realised that my whining has gotten to a point where I start looking for things to criticize when there is none. If the night is perfect, I'll complain about something like someone showing up two seconds late.

More later...

PS: Hope y'all had a good New Year's Eve and an even better start to the new yearand decade.