Spirits...

Well, I said I'd do a separate post on spirits. Here it is.

According to Islam, we should believe in the existence of spirits because the Quran mentions it several times. They co-exist with us. And jinn are mentioned several times. They are created with men, and exist on earth with us. They can be good and bad, just as humans can be good and bad.

Now the rest of what I mention may or may not be factually correct. These are beliefs, traditions and customs that have been handed down to me, and may or may not represent Islam. It is opinionated and biased. But it is my limited knowledge. And my experiences, or experiences from people I trust and believe.

From what MM told me, there are many types of spirits, each with their own agenda and purpose. I told him about the rather amorous presence I feel on my bed. He said it was a moakil. A small spirit that just irritates people. And then he said something about it being a pervy spirit and that I should recite certain duas to keep myself safe.

Funny thing was I never felt the presence when my grannie was here. When she stayed with us for two months, I never felt uneasy when passing by my hallway (there's a presence there too), and I never felt the presence in my bed either. It's possible the reason why was because my grannie used to recite the Ayatal-Qursi after Maghrib prayers and then clapped three times as loud as she could. It has been said that wherever the claps can be heard, that area is safe from any harm or malicious intent. My grannie did it every day without fail.

It's also been said that to not play any music near a graveyard. It's disrespectful. And we should say a special prayer while passing it in order to bless the souls in there. I haven't completely followed that to a T. I am quite sensitive to presences, so being near a graveyard is like being at a rock concert of souls. The silence is deafening. I try avoiding graveyards when possible, but I live nearby to one, and most routes to my house involve passing quite close to it. So instead of being respectful, I play music to drown the sounds out. And drive as fast as possible. And I get the chills and shiver quite uncontrollably. I don't feel so bad when someone is in the car with me, but I don't like being alone those times. And I can't look into my rear mirror that time. Because I know I'll see something.

And P's house is right next to a graveyard. Infact, it overlooks right into it. I generally try to ignore it while being with him, and his presence calms me. Plus his house has been safeguarded and blessed. He is a very spiritual person and good people have the affect of calming me when I feel things. Like MM. I can feel he has a good heart and a pure soul, so even though I freaked out when he told me that he saw a spirit behind me, his presence comforted me. My mom and grannie too. That's probably why I put up with the spirits at home. Because my mom is there. And probably why I don't like being home alone at night when my mom is out of town. And why I ask P to stay with me. His presence makes me feel safe.

I never used to be so jumpy around spirits. Infact, when I was younger, I rather welcomed them. I have many goth and supernatural literature. I could watch supernatural films. But I think ever since I've been living by myself, I've been more aware of things around me and developed a sensitivity. And the sensitivity is what gives me the jitters. I'm like an always switched on antenna for presences. The only time I get to block it out is when I'm distracting myself by being engrossed in music, books or whatever I'm doing to shut the sounds and feelings out.

One thing MM made me realized yesterday is that I should be more attuned to my religion. I have really strayed. I haven't prayed since Ramadan, and that too just the first day. I drink too often, even though it would still be considered light or moderate by many. I smoke like a chimney now - I do shisha almost every alternate day, and smoke menthols quite often during the day. I've lost my connection with Allah, even though I still feel like I haven't. Perhaps its a thin, fragile thread, the last thing hanging on. My mother wasn't so religious before, but the past year or more, she's been praying regularly and is so connected to Allah that her face shines and she always looks so calmed and peaceful, despite the crap in her life. And perhaps that is the reason so much crap is happening in my life - I'm attracting too many negative energies by straying.

I don't know why I can't get myself to pray. Perhaps I am angry and disillusioned. Too many negative memories attached to religion. But I do need to change.