These are a few of my Frustrating Things...

1) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yes, I've talked quite a bit about the rather 'amazing' service here in Dubai - from being completely ignored to being followed around like a criminal. Well today mom and I went to Lulu (Saturdays are mommy days). And luckily it was one of her light shopping days and she only needed to pick up a few goodies for my aunt (her sis) and family as she will be going very soon for a trip to SA and Cape Town. So just stuff for aunt, uncle, cousin and housemaids - it's a tradition in our family to get a lil something for the domestics too.

I wanted to pop for a sec at the cosmetics counter to see if they had my brand of lippie - I'm running out. So I head in, go straight to the Maybelline counter and a few seconds later, this scary shop assistant walks up and asks what I wanted. Now I said I'm fine, just looking and even ignored her, so she'd get the hint that I just want to browse alone and left to my own devices. Instead of picking up on that, she just lurked there, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like I was either gonna rob something or break something. A few seconds later, I just left. I hate that. Call me spoiled if you will, but if I wanted something I would have asked.

2) BEING REPLACEABLE
That's something I battle with - not feeling very special and quite dispensable. Be it jobs or relationships, it's always hanging above my head like an annoying fly that won't go away. Only recently have I felt that way about my job, but it's how I always felt about relationships with people, not just guys. I know, all the girl power and what not and that I shouldn't give a rat's ass about men, but I do. For me, I really want to start my own family. I want a special someone, and maybe kids too. I want domesticity, and it's something I realized only recently just how bad I want it. The only reason I work myself to death is so that I don't feel the pain of not being able to have that. I work because I can't have a family. I mean I love my work, but going back to an empty house depresses me. There's no-one to go home to, to look forward to finish the day to go back to.

Yet, I don't want to jump into marriage and kids just cos I want to because I don't want to bring another me into this world. A dysfunctional, confused and lost soul. And I don't want to feel the pain of divorce - having a breakup is awful enough. But a divorce is just messy and involves way too many lives.

There's a part of me that feels every guy I dated and dating doesn't care if I even exist. If I were to just walk out, it wouldn't matter. They'd just find someone else and move on in minutes. Whereas I'd be devastated and take ages to recover before I can even think of dating again. Perhaps a reason why I stick into bad stuff for a while - because I'm not ready to get that big slap in the face or confirm my fears that I really was that easy to let go. Or face the pain of moving on and looking again. And again. I'm so damn tired of it all.

And my past experiences confuse me with JT. Everytime I acted on my paranoia and out to prove he's not serious, I've been proven wrong. He's genuine. Yet the distance is frustrating and I can't say how I feel - he's out there for a reason. But if I throw a fit and leave, a part of me would really hurt if he didn't bother trying to get me back. And I don't want to be a drama queen when everything is so difficult and he's not in a position to indulge me. I feel lonely and ignored, yet there's a part of me that feels he isn't doing it on purpose - he's just where he is. I miss him so much it hurts. I don't want anybody right now - I just want him. Yet, when I finally do get a hold of him, all my anger, doubts, anxieties, insecurities - everything vanishes and I feel better. And I understand his point of view - I really do. It's just the in between moments and the waiting that kills. This better be worth it.

3) THE ULTIMATE GRAND PRIX COURSE - DUBAI ROADS
There's always someone to piss me off on the roads, any day, any hour. I drive at the speed limit, sometimes 5-10kmph more on an empty stretch of road when I find an asshole right behind my ass flashing me and honking. We are like the only two cars for miles on a 6-lane freeway and he chooses to irritate me on my lane. So here I am driving on an empty 120kmph road at about 130, sometimes 140, and up comes this guy who apparently needs to go to the bathroom real bad because he'd rather honk me off my lane than change tracks and overtake me - considering there another 5 lanes to choose from. Most times, it's an Arab, a guy, and young. Total jerk.

And those are the people I end up taking a stand against. If you honk me and flash me for no reason, especially since I'm minding the speed limit, or going just above, then I'm definitely not going to move. No way, no siree. Then I have them honking and flashing at me continuously for almost 20kms before they either take the hard shoulder or drive me off the lane by passing on my right, then suddenly braking once they've overtaken me. Or, they go super slow, which I don't care, and then try to block me when I change lanes or when I finally get my exit. And this stupidity will go on even further - like the entire Sheikh Zayed road stretch. Oh, sometimes they drive right at my side for a few kilometers to get my attention to swear and curse at me. I ignore them and pretend I'm deaf. I then take my phone, stick my hand in their direction, and take a snapshot of them. Or their license plate. I'd never use it, plus I'm only really switching my light on, but it gets them to drive off in a huff and leave me alone. But these things can really ruin my mood and day. Assholes.

4) BLATANT RACISM
Not going to go into it much as I've already griped about it here and here. But I will say the thing that frustrates me the most is the whole "if you don't like it, you can just leave" and the "my way or the highway" attitude. It may work with tourists and those who are here short-term, but what about people like me who live here? Who are born here and given everything of ourselves because this is our country and home too? What about us? All I ask is respect, more than citizen rights. Because perhaps I can live without a citizenship, but I really just want to be respected, appreciated for the fact that this is my home too. Some sort of acknowledgment and gratitude. Not treated like dirt, or like I'm as good as a domestic help because I'm brown. Plus, domestic help is nothing small anyway. They are taking time out of their lives and family to take care of yours because you either can't or won't. The arrogance I see in people worries me, saddens me and frustrates me.


More later....