A question of faith...

A few days left before my trip - more than a few days. But it is edging closer. Part of me is excited, the other wonders whether it will make any fuckin' difference. Although the highlight of my trip will be traveling biz on Emirates on a long-haul flight.

Perhaps there may be swankier ways to travel, but to travel on biz, and later first class, on Emirates is like the height of luxury for me. It is something I've been dreaming of in years. Sad thing to dream of I will admit, but it's a dream that I can hope to achieve in my lifetime and within my means. Now that I covered traveling business, my next goal is to fly First class - and not just the single cabin ones. The new ones with the shower and spa too.

There are alot of things I'm trying to sort myself through. And the biggest is resisting the urge to just say 'fuck it' and just live life as a vegetable - go through the motions, not caring, trying to stay high in whatever means possible and just fade in the woodworks, hoping that death may claim me out of the miserable mess my life has become.

But there is a tiny bit of me that wants to live, otherwise I wouldn't still be typing, blogging, breathing. That tiny voice is the one that doesn't let me jump, no matter how low I get. Hope, sanity, God - call it whatever you like.

I suppose I'm also having a spiritual meltdown of sorts. I'm not inclined to any other religion, nor do I feel like there is no higher being out there. But I no longer feel connected to Islam. What does it take to be a Muslim? Every religion has its zealots, believers and hypocrites, but I remember a saying someone once told me: "Islam is the best religion with the worst followers".

There's just too many double standards, hypocrisy, fantacism and even more hypocrisy in the world. The extremes, both sides, are shown. Things that are not remotely Islamic are "Islam". I know I do a lot of things that are not permissible or even right in Islam, but I do it knowing they are. I know I'm wrong. I never try to justify myself, or even hide it. Nor do I say I'm "Muslim" like I'm the purest thing since the Prophet (PBUH). That being said, neither was he. He was a man, and he said so.

So what does that make me? Am I an apostate? No. I'm not denouncing Islam, nor am I converting to any other faith. I'm not even an atheist as I do believe in God/Allah/Higher Being. Agnostic? Possibly. But there are many things that I do do within Islam. I pray, not regularly, but I pray in the Islamic fashion. I fast in Ramadan. I am charitable and pay Zakat when the time comes, and I donte regularly even when its not Zakat-related.

I believe everyone is equal, regardless of faith, gender, age, color, wealth and every other classification order. But equality doesn't mean disrespect. I show respect to the elderly and to those who deserve respect. I think everyone has a right to go to Heaven if they've been a good, kind, loving person, regardless of faith. Religion has always been the cause of conflict, despite being the path to peace. Why? Because of the 'invitation'.

When you 'invite' someone to your faith, you don't do so at knife-point. Which is what almost every religion is guilty of. You don't force your way by putting taxes on those not in your faith. Nor bribe them with money and goods on conversion. You don't make their lives so miserable that they have no option but to join. Nor blow up innocent civilians to further your cause. An 'invitation' to a faith is like every other invitation - you send a message and wait for the reply. The best way anyone can 'invite' people to their faith is by being the best example and representative of your faith. No other way. If you can be the best your faith can offer, people will flock to you, wanting to know your secret.

I do not think it is anyone's business to save other souls by converting them. They should look after their own souls first, before trying to save others. And conversion is no guarantee that you have truly 'saved' their souls. They could continue to 'sin' regardless what faith they are. No-one but the person in question can decide whether they are good or bad. It's simple. If you do things that are harmful to yourself and to others, you will suffer eventually, be it this life or the Hereafter. If you do good, on the other hand, good things will come your way and you get the Golden Ticket when you die.

So what does that make me in the end? I don't know anymore.