The Media Junkie

Messy

2012-01-20T20:53:00.000+04:00

It's lonely just having me and my head all day to talk to, converse and talk about my feelings. Incase you're wondering, SB and I have moved out into our own apartment. It's a really nice one-bedroom apartment that's very central to downtown Kitchener and Uptown Waterloo and just across SB's workplace - so we save on gas. I'm still unemployed, although now I'm voluntarily staying unemployed - someone needs to be home to handle all the wedding planning, apartment repairs and such.

Oh, and did I mention apartment repairs? So, we had a leaky ceiling - so the maintenance guys came in and made a gigantic hole in the bathroom ceiling and it's been that way for a week while whatever leaky piping they fixed dries up to prevent any water damage to the structure. And then about a few days ago, there was someone two floors above us that had a backed up drain that caused all their water to flood our kitchen and living room. Luckily, SB caught it in time and we just have a soaking wet rug and a wall, but that involved maintenance coming in and moving all our furniture in one direction, tearing out the rug and blasting two incredibly large fans continuously onto the living room carpet for the past three days and now they're going to tear up the floorboards and wall to repair the water damage. Thankfully, I don't pay a penny for it, but having to deal with all this two weeks in to our new home is making me a little cranky.

But I can't really share this with SB because he's busy working 7 days a week. When he's not working at the hospital during the week, he works at a computer store on the weekends. All so that we have enough money for both of us to pay rent and eat. He wouldn't work so hard if I had a job, but with all these repairs and the wedding coming up and my immigration issues to work out, I don't have time to work. Plus, the fact that I have to travel every six months does not make future employers very happy with me. People think that my traveling makes me rich, spoiled and pampered. I get to go home every six months. They have no idea that my jaunt to Dubai is me having to go back to handle immigration issues and family business and financial things because they require me physically present to complete them. I really don't have much fun on my visits back. I hardly see my friends - if at all. Only the last trip was any real fun - because I got to shop for my wedding and meet my family. Even then, it was such a short trip that I had to stuff as many things as possible in each day.

Anyhow, I thought I could commiserate with my mother over the state of the house. So I tell her the house is topsy-turvy and messy because I haven't been able to unpack because of all the repairs. And then she tells me, "But you're always so messy." And that hurt.

For those of you that don't know my mother, she's a neat-freak of the OCD-kind. Everything is in its place, and they're all neatly tucked away. My style of organisation is a little different. I tend to neatly pack away things I don't use much and as such, don't move around as much. Things that I use frequently tend to be in little piles of chaos, similar to say a journalist's office or a normal paper-pusher's desk in a cubicle. But that's far to chaotic for my mother and hence she thinks I'm an incredibly filthy slob.

SB is neater than me, but only slightly more. We have similar ways of organizing things, so it works out well for us. However, when we moved in, I really tried to have a fresh start and quickly unpack things so that I can have friends and family over to show of the place and have a cozy home that I can invite friends over to. Something to prove to my mom that I can be a good home-person and a good wife and mother. Because she certainly doesn't think I can as she continuously reminds me because I'm fat and a slob. So when the flooding and leaking started, I cracked and despaired. Still despairing. Because now I'll never be able to have my house up on time to invite folks over and be a good hostess. And our house will always be a mess.

It makes me wonder many times a day why I even bother waking up anymore. Or living. This isn't a suicide threat or a call for help. I'm not going to off myself. But I just don't feel like doing anything anymore - or even bother trying. I feel so alone and helpless. I have no friends to talk to. And it's hard making friends because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone or tell them how I feel like - like in this blog.

SB keeps reassuring me that everything will be alright and that this is temporary. In my mind, I know he's right. But for now, I feel so alone. And it hurts that my mom called my house messy and me a slob.

End of rant.

The Holidays...

2011-12-16T01:11:00.002+04:00

Don't get me wrong. I'm no grinch. I love government-sanctioned holidays and any excuse to party and make merry. But this Christmas, I feel so incredibly not-cheerful. I'm homesick. I hate the cold and I hate the fact that Eid was me cooking desi food.

As for my spirituality, it's taken quite a beating over a few years or so. I love the cultural aspects and the good humanitarian things I learn from being a Muslim, but I can't say I believe in Islam any more. I'm not sure what I believe really. Perhaps I'm more of an agnostic. I believe in an upper deity that is 'God', but I can't blindly and completely believe in Islam.

It was definitely easier being a Muslim in Dubai. Everything is catered to Muslims. Coming to Canada meant I had to try even harder at being one. And I tried. I really did. But so many things happened to shake my faith that I've come to the conclusion: the cake is a lie. Yes, geek reference. By 'cake', I mean religion. And not just Islam, every religion. But hey, I'm not out to convert the world or convince anyone they're wrong. People have the right to believe what they want to. I know my mother finds comfort in Islam, and so do many others. Religion isn't just believing certain things exist: it's also about a lifestyle, a community, a culture.

And that's where I differ from atheists. I don't want the culture to go away. I mean the bad things like intolerance and narrow-mindedness, sure. But things like Eid, Christmas, Diwali, Hannukah. All the good stuff. All the celebrating and family time. I miss that.

This year, both Eids were almost non-existent. And initially, I blamed it to being in a house where people don't know any better. But then I realised it was also my fault. Eid is as important to me as Christmas is to SB and his family. I should have been more vocal and demanded that Eid be celebrated the way I've always celebrated it. But I let it just simmer and boil over until I got so mad that I was always pissed off at SB and every time his mom had suggestions for the wedding, I would be even madder for the wedding turning into a 'white-wedding' affair and not something that celebrates the both of us. As a sidebar, when I say white-wedding, I mean the white dress and everything that goes into a North American, western-world wedding, not the white-race.

The biggest struggle of our wedding is finding balance in the celebration. We're having a secular, civil marriage. His folks aren't practising Christians and therefore a religious wedding never was on their mind. My mom would like us to have a Nikah. So I asked SB if he would mind having one in addition to the civil marriage. He said no. Fair enough - I'm not about coercion. He respects my decision to want to stay a Muslim even though I'm not much of one. So I'm respecting his decision to not want to participate in anything religious. So, that being said, we're trying to incorporate as many non-religious cultural aspects from both sides and to make both families feel included and not alienated. I do not want either family attending to say "They left us out."

My biggest fear is my mom feeling left out of the wedding like she did with my sister. My sister eloped and since then, hasn't really been able to be a Muslim, even though she has more faith and adherence to me. Her in-laws and husband won't allow it. I've always been the more level-headed, more responsible child and I really want my mom to feel like she's part of something great even though SB is not Muslim.

However, the wedding may turn into a one-sided affair as my family is scattered throughout the world and not many people are in Canada. I have very few, if none, desi friends here. It's expensive getting a visa and airfare plus hotel to come to my wedding. Whereas most of SB's family lives here or in the surrounding area. So, try as I might, hardly anyone from my side is going to show up. And I feel so alone. Which makes me wonder why even bother making an effort to have my culture in it when hardly anyone in my family is going to be there. I'm still not wearing a white dress, though. White makes me look fat. Plus where I come from, it's a sign of mourning. I'm going to wear red. Red is good.

So back to the point I was trying to make. Eid is important to me. It's my Christmas. It's my one thing from childhood that makes me happy. And in our married life, I want it celebrated with the same enthusiasm as Christmas. I want my new-found family and friends to come over and partake in an Eid feast, have Eidi and Eid-related customs. I want it on the goddamn family calender. I don't want it to be a 'desi' night supper. Or have my mom-in-law cook so many non-desi food items to accompany it that my main dish becomes an appetiser. Ramadan is also important to me.

SB understands though. I guess I'm still resentful that this year was the year was almost absent. I hope next year will be different. It has to.

The Simple Life?

2011-12-14T02:37:00.002+04:00

Yes, my posts have been sporadic. Most of my readers and fellow bloggers and friends have moved on. My blog is not what it used to be. Moving to Canada has been stressful. It still is in so many ways. Before, my blog was a way to relieve my stress and find some comfort out in the big, bad virtual world. Now, I depend on my soon-to-be husband, SB. But with him busy all the time - I'm probably back to my musings here. Or rather, my whiny little rants because I have no friends or life.

So.....welcome back, me.

As I was saying, we're getting married in a few months. He's gotten a job - actually two. We're going to be moving out of his parent's basement and into an apartment of our own. I'm still unemployed and incredibly depressed. Maybe bored, frustrated and depressed.

So, with SB hard at work earning the bread and bacon for us, I'm working at making sure we have a home and stress-free wedding. I hope that my contribution to this relationship is my time and domestic skills. Because right now, I feel absolutely neutered and powerless. I've always hated being at someone else's financial mercy, and I certainly hate it now too. I've seen my mom and sister stuck depending on their spouses for money and I'm slowly turning into them. Of course, SB is nothing like my dad or brother-in-law. He is the kindest person I've ever known and he treats me so well. But with my meagre savings that are dwindling thanks to Bell's eye-gauging cancellation fees (Never again am I going back to them), I have to depend on SB's income while I look for a job.

Any time money is involved, I feel obligated. Because in the past, I've always been reminded constantly that someone was picking my tab. Be it school fees or even gifts, there was no such thing as a freebie. I was always indebted to someone and I hated that feeling. I don't want to be nice to someone because I'm indebted to them, but because I want to. A free roof over my head comes with strings attached. This growing feeling of indebtedness is what depresses me so much. I'll never be able to pay anyone back and it makes me resent everyone and every thing. And being unemployed makes me feel even more powerless and more indebted to everyone, thus continuing the circle.

I'm hoping moving out and settling into a domestic life might make all these bad feeling go away. Maybe even use the time at home to do something productive, like write a book or start a podcast. Maybe my own catering company or something. Perhaps wedding planning. Seeing as how weddings are so bloody expensive here, maybe I can make some decent cash planning stuff like that. Maybe restart my henna and face-painting freelancing jobs. Something. Anything to make me feel less useless.

Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in a tub of Nutella....

What's that sparkly thing on my hand?

2011-08-25T15:19:00.000+04:00

I suppose I have some good news to share with all the random lurkers on the intar-webs and for the few remaining people who read my blog.

Yes, I got engaged. Yes, it spak-kawwls!

And yes, I'm getting married to SB. After a year and half of long distance dating, be it Dubai-KW or London-KW, we have decided to be together at the same place and time :) It's been so crazy the last few months - what with moving, my mom coming to Canada for my graduation and then trying to find a job (and still looking), that this blog has been getting lots of cobwebs.

As for the wedding - its happening next year, sometime June or May depending on which venue we get. I'm trying not to be a Bridezilla - but sometimes my well meaning mom and future mom-in-law drive me a little crazy. I end up getting it in stereo now that they've BFFs and all since graduation.

I suppose the only fly in the ointment is the fact that I'm still unemployed. I feel a little bit more demotivated and depressed as each day passes. It's not that I'm not landing jobs because of crummy interviews - I'm having trouble even getting past the 'Please apply online' or anything that involves dealing with a person. Online applications are nice to apply to - but they won't land me any jobs. All the jobs where I've managed to get an interview or even get employed involved actually meeting the recruiter and them knowing me by name. So its frustrating that even minimum wage jobs that don't require anything except a working pulse are now recruiting online. Which means that I can't get a job, related to my career or not. Part of me wishes I could go back to Dubai because I know I'll be employed within a month - with a decent pay, even though it will be the 'brown' wage, and not a wage I deserve. But that defeats the purpose of me coming to Canada in the first place - to make a new home.

But wedding planning and being with SB makes me happy. He might be a big Swedish bouncer-like man, but he's really just a big ol' softie. He loves me and respects me. He would never hurt me - at least not knowingly. And he's always the first to apologize and admit when he's wrong. Sure, he can sometimes get annoying by being a bit of a know-it-all and a stickler for diction and pronunciation, but if that's the worst he can be, I'm happy. Unlike the other men I've dated or the male 'role models' I've had in my life, he doesn't verbally abuse me, or put me down. He doesn't have a 'my way or the highway' attitude and expect that his word is law in our house. He doesn't smoke and he doesn't really drink. Nor has he squandered money and expects me to run the house like a 1950's housewife and also bring home the bacon. Of course, he may go back to school and that's the time I'll be the bread winner, but its still about us and he's more than helped me out while I was a student and now unemployed. He cooks and does laundry and isn't afraid to do domestic chores. He's a great cook - better than me, although he still has to learn the finer points of desi cooking. Although he's made better roti than me - and he was awesome in making the samosa dough perfect. I just need to wean him off the ready-made yellow powder that North Americans call 'curry powder' and make sure he never touches that ghastly thing again. Yes, I am a spice snob. And I can afford to be because he's a bigger food snob than me - so I'm just refining his Indian culinary palate.

*sigh* Now if I can just get a job...

Graduation and rainbow cakes

2011-06-06T01:02:00.000+04:00

So I'm currently 'fun-employed'. School's over, I've moved out of London and I'm crashing at SB's place until I find a job and can afford rent. My bank balance is at an all-time low, but I have to hope it's just temporary. I've applied for the first stage of a two-stage process for my PR in Canada, so I've got my fingers crossed at this point.

My mom finally got her visit visa to Canada so she'll be here for my graduation in about a week's time. Gosh how time flies. Speaking of graduation, here's my class photo:

Yep, we're a small class but this past year was so much fun, despite the drama and crazy room-mates.

So back to my mom. She is coming and she will be staying at SB's place with me, him and his folks. It's going to be the first time she'll be meeting all of them. So SB's mom has gone all crazy and decided to renovate "Chez SB", saying things like "I've been wanting to do this for 20 years but your dad (SB senior) wouldn't let me."

Yes, Chez SB is 20 years old with a lot of stuff tucked away in nooks and crannies over the years. And there hasn't been a massive cleaning and throwing away of stuff in like...ever. Or so SB says. I get the feeling SB's mom just waited for him to grow up so that she could do all the things she couldn't do because SB senior wouldn't do it.

So there's now new light fixtures, a ceiling fan in the hall, and my room being turned upside down so we could repaint it. All before my mom arrives on the 10th. And both his mom and I have fallen really sick with some viral bug while the men are disgustingly healthy. Both of us womenfolk give them the middle finger every time they laugh at our misery - but they have tucked us in bed and helped out.

Last week or so was also SB and Sam's joint birthday party. Since I am penniless and I wanted to create something thoughtful, I decided to bake two birthday cakes for the birthday boys. For SB, because he's on a low-carb, high-protein Atkins diet, I made him a meat dish and a cake that was more for the party guests than for him.

Little ones who came to the party had a chance to decorate it. I got the idea and recipe from Sweetapolita's food blog. It's even better on the inside:

It's rainbow-layered!

For Sam's cake, I wanted to honour him being our DM for Dungeons and Dragons, so I made another rainbow-layered cake, but with a DnD themed fondant cover:

The edges around the cake says 'Choose your weapon'. And here are some details:

The dice and many figurines are plastic. We bought him a booster pack and some crazier dice (d24 and d30) to put on the cake for an epic battle.

I used toothpicks for the arrows, and fondant to make a zombie and some imps:

The wing later fell off, so I just added an arrow:

And the blood was a mixture or red candy melts and red food colouring. One tip: never add food colouring to candy melts because they seize and make it a bitch to manipulate later.
One more shot (yes, I am quite proud of this):

Sam loved it. And I have to give credit to SB for helping me bake the cake.

So that's all for now. More later

Homesick

2011-02-17T01:25:00.000+04:00

So much has happened since the last time I wrote on this here blog.

I'm on my final semester and it's tough but interesting, although I just wish it could end so I can move to KW and start working. My January internship went rather well, although I get the feeling I'm not as driven as most journalists are. I don't even know if I'm driven about anything at all.

To be honest, most days I feel like I'm a poser and I'm waiting for people to tell me so. When I go represent the media and interview people for radio or for whatever, I'm waiting for them to tell me to get lost because I'm no journalist. Instead they talk to me and treat me with respect, grateful that someone is covering what they're trying to do. Other times they tell me to go away, but not because I'm a poser, but because I'm a journalist. I find it hard to feel like I'm one, even if I'm studying to become one.

Perhaps because news was never my thing. When I think of journalism, I think of people scribbling away on notepads and rushing towards a press deadline. I worked in a paper, but not as a reporter. I was a web person, someone that journalists turned to when they needed their online copy fixed or changed.

I also realised how much I hate slush. Snow looks beautiful and feels pretty, especially when they're flaky enough that you can see the crystal patterns with a naked eye and glisten like diamonds. But slush is messy, disgusting and deceptively slippery. And then you get snow-poopers and litterbugs whose gross deeds get uncovered as the snow melts.

I'm also very sad and homesick. Maybe it's just the weather. Probably is the weather. But I cry every night and find it hard to sleep. I feel overwhelmed. I try to just do things one step at a time and it's working, but most days I want to just curl into a ball and do nothing. I miss working and earning money. I miss just having certain food items available without having to go too far from home. I miss having a car and being able to take off anywhere I want to. I miss not having to wear three layers of clothing before I put an overcoat. Or even not having to wear an overcoat. I miss my mom. I miss being able to go watch a Bollywood film when it's out in the theatre rather than waiting a few months for a good DVD-rip.

SB has been good to me though. So has his family. They've gone out of their way to make me feel like I have a family here. Things are going well with him. We've been together for 15 months and counting.

Despite the whining and homesickness, I know I've made the right decision coming here. I guess I'm just suffering from milestone-envy. I'm tired of being a bridesmaid or event attendent and I want to be the bride or mommy-to-be. I want to get out the student-phase (which seems never ending) and start a family soonish. Worry about sick babies or flowers gone wrong or what's for dinner, rather than counting pennies to see if I have enough for a Timmy's bagel and homework deadlines.

I'm done bitchin' and complainin' for now.

Updated blog

2010-10-26T01:12:00.001+04:00

Check out my new website that has most of my written and TV work here:
Martian Musings

ahem

2010-10-12T03:43:00.000+04:00

Ahhhhhh London. I never realized how wet and icky rain can be until I moved here. It rains atleast once a week, if not more. It rains for five minutes, and then the sun pops out, only to rain once again. I can forget my wallet at home, but not my umbrella. I live in my raincoat.

But I suppose I'd chose rain over extreme heat. And with fall here, my town is just so pretty. Different shades of red, orange, yellow and green, with lots of in-between shades blending in as the leaves fall down and all over.

As for school, things have been incredibly busy, but so much more fun than summer. I recently finished my TV segment and started radio and it's just been an eye-opener. Interviewing people is not as scary as I thought it would be. And I definitely have the face for radio. I don't like being on air for TV, but I certainly want to be a presenter on radio. And the best part is that people don't care about my accent. Not that my accent was ever so strong. It just never fit in the categories that Dubai stations wanted me to fit in to. If anything, I'm considered 'exotic', so it's all good.

SB might be heading back to school too. Not now, but next September. Shortly after I finish my degree. I'm very excited for him and I'm happy he wants to head back to school.

It's also Thanksgiving here. Yummy. I haven't had a nice Thanksgiving dinner since I was in Boston. And I spent my first Canadian Thanksgiving with SB and his folks. Doing family things. Having a full turkey dinner. Watching a movie together. It made me think of my own and I miss my mom a lot. I miss our take-out Thursdays and just watching a movie while munching on either KFC or shawarma.

I'm thinking about putting up my articles and features up on my blog. Perhaps not this one, but the other one meant for all ,y fiction and non-fiction stuff.

I realize I've let this blog collect more than just a few cobwebs, but being in a program that demands my creative and journalistic writing skills has taken a toll on blogging. Not to mention the fact that I have to join our class blog for our online journalism class, so there you have it.

Is anyone out there?

Back in Dubai...

2010-08-18T23:16:00.001+04:00

...Yup. Good to be home?

Kinda.

I did miss mom a lot and I did miss the cheap eats in my home town. But it surprisingly feels foreign to me.

I no longer see Dubai as my home. Sure, its the city I was born in and where I've spent 25 years and grown up in. But coming back here feels like how going to Dhaka feels like - it's supposed to be 'home', but its really just a place you go to for vacations.

Ontario is now my home. Even if I do complain about taxes and how expensive everything is and the fact that I can't get real shawarmas there. Thinking about staying back in Dubai gives me unpleasant feelings. I like Canada and I want to stay there. Dubai depresses me a little.

I suppose it's because I feel like I have a better social life in Canada. I can just walk out of my building and go meet friends a few blocks down. If needed, I can walk to school, even if takes me about 30-40 minutes to do so. I feel independent. I cook, clean and do everything myself, and bear the consequences of things like having no clean underwear if I forget to do my laundry. I'm now more helpful at mom's place because I've been doing a lot of things for myself in Canada. I feel somewhat more responsible. And I feel just a little more grown up. I even cooked for a few friends and threw a dinner party.

Being on my own also gave me space to think and to kind of start forgiving people - or at the very least not care about gossip. I've added many of my cousins and aunts and uncles back on Facebook. I don't really care if they know I have a boyfriend. SB and I are serious about each other and I'm incredibly lucky and happy that I'm dating him. I'm very proud of him and want the world to know I'm dating him and that he's mine. And that I love him. And he loves me back. His family loves me. I have a Canadian family of sorts, including my best bud (and adopted brother) Sam. Best of all, SB isn't just my other half, he's my best friend.

Anyhow, enough sappy stuff. Now that I'm in town for about 3 weeks, time to meet up with the few friends left in town and pah-tayyy! Also get my game on with faves such as WoW, DDO, and MTGO. And a few offline faves like Caesar 3, Olympus, Emperor, Pharoah and Dungeon Keeper.

Oh, I'm also going to be a DM for a 3.5ed D&D game in London. So gotta get my campaign set up.

And yes, I am a geek/nerd.

Decisions...

2010-08-07T02:54:00.001+04:00

Another ten days till I'm back in Dubai for a summer break.

I'm a little excited. I miss my mom, I miss cheap food and I miss things being relatively cheap. SB says I keep mentioning that every time I shop and grumble about tax.

I guess I haven't quite considered Canada as home yet. In my defence, its only been three months so far, whereas I've lived in Dubai for over 25 years. I'll get there soon enough. Plus I have Sam and SB and his folks making me feel more at home. I guess I'll feel more at home once I move out of student housing and get a place of my own. Which won't be till about a year from now - still need to graduate, find a job, get some moolah.

TV has been exhausting. I liked radio the most, even though I felt more at ease with TV. My TV story was/is about the London Mosque opening after spending three years renovating it. I attended the opening ceremony and it was really nice. I loved the fact that the Muslim community was so welcoming and eager to open their doors to everyone - including non-Muslims. I'll be heading there again this weekend to do some more interviews. This time I'll be taking SB too - it'll be a good experience for him. Not only will he see me at work, but he will get to see a part of my culture and religion.

Every day I spend with SB makes me fall more in love with him. The things he does make me wonder what I ever did to deserve him. Sure, he has his quirks: he's incredibly OCD about where and how things should be kept. He'll even put incorrectly placed products on the right shelves at supermarkets. He can also be a grammar Nazi and correct my English at very awkward moments (like infront of my interview subjects or professors). But then he'll do things like wash the dishes or cook for me without being asked. Or get my groceries despite my protests. Or come up from behind and snuggle up and kiss me on my neck while I'm cooking. And put up with my little quirks like wanting to add to an ever growing list of groceries.

I will miss him during my time in Dubai. I will miss him a lot.

We also had our first meeting regarding our January internship. I'm excited and freaked out at the same time. Part of me thinks I'll do horrible and that no-one will ever hire me here. Especially after hearing awesome stories of previous graduates and all the amazing work they did on their internships. I'm incredibly torn about whether to specialize in radio or in TV. I was really sure I wanted to do radio wen I got in, but now I'm not so sure. I definitely want to find work in either London or in the KW area. I'm not sure if I want to be in the GTA and Toronto. It never really felt like a place I want to live in.

Decisions, decisions....

Rants and names...

2010-07-25T06:53:00.000+04:00

I knew being a penniless student would be hard, but its a different matter when I actually am the penniless student. I'm not so poor that I have to starve, but my funds are slowly turning into a slow sluggish trickle, soon to be dripping to nothing. And I'm freaking out BIG TIME.

It's also time to start thinking about internships and post-graduate jobs. And getting a job right now, even if its standing in a mall handing samples. Anything. Unfortunately, I can't get a job until November - that's when I can apply for an off-campus work permit. And on-campus jobs have 'summer hours' which also happen to be while I'm in class.

Also, gotta tighten the belt and become anti-social - or show up for events that don't cost a thing and stick to water. It's a good thing water is free over here. It's even encouraged. Unlike Dubai where most bars and pubs charge a premium for water - its cheaper buying booze or even juice than good ol H2O.

So yes, I might be hyperventilating a bit.

SB says I should just take things one day at a time and to not think too much about stuff or I may just go insane. Which I may become anyway because it always frikkin rains here. And my bladder has the muscle-tone of a newborn. I keep needing to pee every five minutes. So I don't drink as much so that I can sit through a class.

That ranting aside, I'm now doing TV after going through the print and radio portion of the term. And TV feels like an old friend that I reunited with after three years. I've forgotten how much fun TV can be.

As for SB, things are still going awesome. I'm surprised how awesome it is. I sometimes dwell on my past and I get scared about it all ending. But it does feel different and it feels real. I don't think I've shared so much and opened up so much as I have with SB. Not even P. I still can't think or talk about P. Not even in an old, detached way. I'm certainly over him, but I want nothing to do with him. I would prefer thinking he never existed at all. Like all my other exs. Like a bad dream that I vaguely remember. Or something to keep as a warning and not repeat ever again. I do talk about my exs with SB to illustrate a point, or as part of my history for a particular thing. Plus he reads this blog and I have nothing to hide from him. I figure if he had to run because of my past, its better now than later. But he's still around and I trust him.

I love snuggling next to him. He calls me his heat thief. I tend to get cold very quickly and adapt to the temperature in the room. Whereas he's always so nice and warm. My soft, warm, snoring heater. And I keep finding spots on him that I stick my cold hands on and warm up - hence the name 'heat thief'.

He also calls me a toe-crushing harpy. Because if there's something with wheels on it, I will somehow find a way to run it over a feet, even though I don't mean too.

Me: (running over his toes with a wheelie-chair) I love you!
SB: (cringes) I love you too, you toe-crushing harpy. (kisses me)

Summer time...

2010-07-09T08:49:00.000+04:00

Today is Canada Day.

Needless to say, I'm excited. Although I'll probably be spending it at home, doing a rewrite for an essay that didn't go so well.

...Well, its now a day later. I'm at SB's house, enjoying a relaxing evening prepping my D&D character(s) while SB gives his mom a tutorial on how to play Dungeons & Dragons. Sam is also over, helping me level up, while joining in the tutorial adventure with SB and mom.

...And now its about a week later. The past week has been incredibly taxing and busy. The good thing was doing a live newscasts for CHRW and J-School. This is in addition to all my previous pre-recorded work for the daily 5pm CHRW newscasts. Yep, I'm now on air and a radio reporter/journalist for the campus radio station that can be heard on FM within the city. Its incredibly exciting to finally do the one thing I truly love - radio.

Getting on air in Dubai was incredibly frustrating. It seemed like they were more concerned about a particular accent for whatever station and it was an incredibly tight-knit community. I was too white to be brown (speaking passable Hindi-Urdu) and too brown to be white (not having a strong Western accent...or basically not being white). I could be wrong and I certainly hope I was but I was quite fed up with the whole thing.

But volunteering for a community/campus station has really helped boost my technique and confidence a whole lot. Too bad I can't work there.

I've also moved to a better apartment within the same building that is dog and bitch-free. I've gotten a bigger room and better many things. I have one more room-mate for the summer and probably two more once September rolls around. But at least I'm in a much more mature, clean and quieter place. In fact, one of my J-School buddies is also my neighbour.

I also noticed that my posts have gotten more and more....boring. Has being happy and busy dulled and drained my emotions? Am I only interesting when I'm all angsty? Is all my creativity going into J-School? Does depression fuel my creativity?

*sigh*

I've found out that it is hard living on my own, but I'm glad I'm doing it. I had to start some day. I miss my mom, the familiar foods and certain comforts and luxuries of Dubai. Not mention some good shawarmas and falafel. The falafel in London is so dry, not to mention expensive.

Mobile phones are also incredibly expensive here. I never thought I'd say this, but Etisalat looks absolutely awesome compared to the crazy data and mobile packages they have here. They charge you even for sneezing. I have to pay $7/month just to get caller ID - on a MOBILE phone. I get charged for receiving and making calls so I better know who it is before I pick up.

Speaking of which, I've been getting numerous calls from debt collectors asking for Robert. I have no idea who Robert is. But they ask me if I know him and don't believe me when I say "I have no fucking clue who he is".

Despite all the craziness, I prefer staying in Canada. I can be free here. Free to do many things that I couldn't do in Dubai. And get your mind out of the gutter. I mean being treated like a human being and not getting look down upon. And getting some respect. Customer service is incredible here. My bank treats me like royalty even though I'm a penniless student. People are genuinely nicer and realize that the customer/client should be treated well if they want to retain them. They don't act like they're doing me a favour by paying attention to me - well with the exception of certain government departments. I guess surly and unhelpful bureaucracy is universal.

Its getting late and I need to get some sleep.

PS: Its funny how going above 30C has caused Canada to go into a meltdown. Meh - that's like spring to me. Although I'm sure Canada will have the last laugh once winter rolls around. But still - sissies.

Damn dog...

2010-06-16T08:38:00.000+04:00

This week started off quite badly.

I had a showdown with my roomie regarding her puppy. I told her that I'm tired of the house reeking of dog peep, stepping on his poop and that if she cannot train him or be there for him, she should find another home for him. I wish I could have played the religion card but I'd feel guilty (not to mention hypocritical) for doing so.

Her response was she wasn't getting rid of him. Nor did she reassure me that she would clean up after him or train him better.

So I went to the management. Unfortunately, they cannot force her to give the dog away under Ontario law. They can transfer me - but for a hefty fee of $250. What bullshit.

I don't get charged to move to another room in the same apartment, but I have to pay $250 to move to another room? That too for someone who has no sense of responsibility? I was really angry at the current state of affairs.

Then my bed broke.

Well, it didn't really break, but there was a loose screw and I didn't know how to fix it back in place.

That was the last straw.

I broke down and couldn't stop crying for hours. SB (the sweetie that he is) came down to London from work and stayed with me to make me feel better. And I did feel better.

Anyhow, it seems like at this point that al I can do is move out ASAP.

I'm angry. I'm angry because someone who's irresponsible (imho) makes me look like I'm the one being unreasonable. My other room-mates say one thing to me and then another to her. And now thanks to her frikkin dog, I'm going to be homeless. And pay $250 to get another room.

What bullshit.

Worked like a dog...

2010-06-07T05:58:00.000+04:00

Things have been good. Real good.

Canada suits me well. I do have a few gripes about stuff but I'll talk about that later.

I feel like I'm back in high school, or back in SMCHS. I mean that in a totally cool way. I used to be very sociable then, but things in Dubai and situations got me really down until I became a nocturnal hermit. I feel alive and calm nowadays. Some may even say happy.

I love being at Western. It has history, and I'm now a part of it. It is a community, and I fit right in. I love waking up everyday and walking down to campus. Even when things get hectic, I never wake up feeling dread.

I get along quite well with most of my classmates. I've become closer friends with some, but we seem to click well as a group. We have our j-school lingo, insider jokes and we're a pretty awesome group.

This past weekend flew by so fast. It was Aunt D's (SB's maternal aunt) 60th birthday. SB and his folks wanted me to come along for the birthday celebrations, as well as getting to meet the 'extended family' and showing SB's girlfriend off a little. The girlfriend being me of course.

I was quite nervous and just a little petrified. It's a new experience for me - having a boyfriend that not only acknowledges me to the world, but wants to take me everywhere and meet the important people in his life. But I needn't have worried. His aunt, uncle, cousins and family friends were all very sweet and welcoming towards me.

Funy enough, the big family get-togethers aren't that far from desi family get-togethers. Although it seems like there's less gossiping and back-biting than my own family, but I could be wrong. Plus, I am new and still getting to know SB's family.

I also met one of his best friends in Oshawa. I knew him from previous online gaming nights I had with SB. One word of caution - never play Magic: The Gathering online with him. He's just that good.

Being in this relationship has made me feel calmer than I've ever felt in years. I don't feel alone. I do wish I were closer to him and be able to see him everyday versus every weekend, but I feel secure. I haven't felt secure in a very, very, very long time.

On the other hand, my roomie's dog is driving me crazy. I can't really blame him as the poor puppy (and dogs in general) don't make great apartment pets. They need to be walked, taken for a toilet run outside and need far more attention than I think my room-mate has time to give. The dog barks at all hours, poops and pees wherever he pleases and everything I own is covered in dog hair. I'm not happy. But I did choose a pet-friendly place only so that I could have a cat. And now I'm stuck with crazy puppy whose owner doesn't have time for him. And I'm the only grad student, while my roomies are all on their vacation. Not fun. My roomie sometimes leaves her dog out (now most of the time) and I'm scared to cook because the dog will jump all over me and bark incessantly. I also barely have any space in the kitchen or fridge for my stuff so I tend to eat outside or buy boxed Kraft Dinners.

Yes, I'm bitching and moaning and I'm really not happy about certain aspects of my accommodation. I'm just a little cranky as I haven't had much sleep and the last week has been quite intense in regards to school work. Add stress, kinda crappy diet, an annoying dog and partying roomies and I just try to bide my time until the weekend arrives and I get to go see SB or he comes down to see me.

The dreary, wet, cold, rainy weather hasn't helped either. I love rain - but now I'm sick of it. I would like some more sun please.

Oh, and there's a really cool mom and pop's Italian place that has the most amazing calzone/panzerotti I have ever eaten - Papa's Pizza. And no, they haven't paid me to advertise that :p

London and J-School

2010-05-28T01:23:00.000+04:00

This blog has been collecting quite a few cobwebs. Blame it on J-school. Or for non J-schoolers, the journalism program I'm currently in.

So I arrive to Canada and enjoy a lovely three-week holiday with Sam, and stayed for three weeks with SB and his folks. Went to Niagara Falls for the first time on my birthday, not to mention the first I ever went away with my current squeeze and that too on my birthday. It was perfect except for the fact that SB had a flu during that weekend, which escalated on my birthday and turned him into a cranky, whiny, grumpy old man. No surprises when I caught it a few days after and I'm still recovering from it, although I only have an occasional nose-blockage and hacking cough.

I moved into my apartment a week before classes began. London was very cold and very wet. Not helpful for my cough and cold. SB and his dad were sweet enough to carry my three suitcases and furniture from Waterloo to London. Speaking of his folks, they've been amazing with me. Very sweet, very caring and all warm and cuddly. They've made my transition a lot easier than it could have been, and most of you know that I don't like change or moving to a new place. Even moving from Waterloo to London made me cranky.

My heart and mind are stuck in KW (Kitchener-Waterloo). I'm slowly warming up to London, but I miss being in a house where I'm not confined to my room, I can cook in a well-stocked pantry and where my clothes and stuff aren't covered in dog hair.

Yep - I don't live alone. I have three other flatmates and one of them has an eight-month old puppy. He's sweet, but I'm not a fan of dogs. I don't mind them, but an over-energetic puppy that barks and jumps all over me every time I cook and having to close every door I pass through so that he won't get in and chew stuff frustrates me a little. And I'm not sure I'd want to get a cat with the puppy in the apartment.

I suppose its part of the adjustment process. It's only been a month and I'm getting to know London, my classmates and my flatmates. I'm sure it will grow on me soon - and it is.

We're just 31 in class and I've started making friends. We study hard and party hard. There's now a j-school tradition where we all get together at one guy's place for a pre-party before we head out to a venue in London. Oh, I also have two guys from my class in the same building as me - good for studying together.

As for SB, today is our six month anniversary. Even though things are getting busy with school and I don't spend as much time with him as I like, I think we've just been growing stronger. I fall in love with him even more every day.

Considering my past, which is patchy at best, I was worried about remaining faithful and what would happen if I got attracted to someone at university or in program. Even though our batch is filled with hotties (myself included), I'm not worried about cheating on him. Although the guys are totally awesome and good eye-candy (yes, I'm sure they may object to my objectifying them), I only have eyes for SB. To me, he is the most handsome and hottest person in the world. I love him inside and out.

Also, do not play Monopoly with people who are very anti-capitalists and are smart-asses to boot. Which is what happened when I tried playing a family classic and a childhood game with SB and his folks. I have to admit that SB warned me that it would be unpleasant. I just read that as "we-will-kick-your-ass" unpleasant, which I took as a challenge. What he really meant though was "infuriatingly-painful-and-slow" unpleasant. No one wants to trade - at least not with me. We ended up changing to 'Life' mid-game. Never again.

There's so much more to write but I got to go now. Take care!

On the other side

2010-04-23T17:22:00.000+04:00

Yes, I have been neglecting this blog for quite a while now - blame it on SB. No, not really. He's a darling. Life has been quite exciting the past few weeks and I've spent most of it running around like a headless chicken. There's still more stuff to do, but I can now take a breather and relax a little.

I'm finally in Canada now. The flight was long, full of whiny children and just a little too turbulent for comfort. But I did land in one piece and after going through immigration to get my study permit sorted out and going through customs, I arrived two hours later to SB's arms. It was an emotional, but happy reunion. I got to spend time with my two fave boys - my best friend Sam and my man SB.

Since then, I've been on a well-needed break and vacation before school madness begins. I did get my bank sorted out, as well as heading to London to get some pre-semester stuff taken care of.

I also got to spend time with SB's mom. She's been such a sweetheart and so welcoming. She took two days off from work to spend time with me, where we went shopping and had some girl-bonding time. She mentioned that because she had no daughters or a close niece (SB is the only child), she now had someone to go on such girly-trips with. And I'm glad because I have someone like my mom to hang out with. Of course I miss my mom tonnes, but its nice that there's someone to make the separation a little easier.

Besides the usual window shopping, we did go to some cool places together. We found dice for her (she plays DnD in our group too) and I gave her an extra figurine that I had - it was perfect for her character. She also took me to this halal/ethnic food store where I found a little piece of Dubai right in Kitchener/Waterloo. All the spices, all the lentils - so many things I was scared I wouldn't find and miss terribly that I was close to tears at the thoughtfulness of his mom.

It's also really nice watching a functional family bond, as well as just seeing a dad bond with his child. It feels nice being a part of it.

I have to say that I'm luckier than most people starting new in a different country. I have my best friends, my darling who has been caring and thoughtful and his family who have welcomed me with open arms.

The next few weeks before school will get really busy as there seems to be many social invites and dinners in my honor or a sort of 'meet MJ' thing. I'm so glad I moved here.

Farewell...

2010-04-09T13:12:00.000+04:00

I had the best farewell party last night. It was small, intimate and fun. Just the way I like it.

The trend of all my parties tend to be that exactly half or less than all the people I invite show up. The half that don't consist of last minute cancels, not answering the phone or conveniently disappearing. It used to bother me, but now I'm in a 'meh' mode. Because what matters is the people who did come.

So in the end we were a party of six, which was really cosy and we all got along perfectly, even with our weird quirks and them coming from different groups in my life. It is incredibly satisfying to have a rag-tag of people who would normally not hang out with each other come just for me.

I decided to try this place called Ping Pong Dim Sum in Dubai Mall and I'm glad I went. It was just awesome - its just like a dumpling bar, san booze (being inside a mall and all). But to be honest, I enjoyed not having alcohol or shisha in my last outing with friends. We just kept ordering and dumplings kept coming. And they were yummy. I also went across to Magnolia Bakery in Bloomingdales and got a small Red Velvet Cheesecake (which I suspect was just red-tinted cheesecake) and a Devil's Food Cupcake. And the hype was true - their stuff is amazing! A bit pricey, but amazing.

So after hogging on the awesome food at Ping Pong, we caught the last two Dubai Fountain shows and the last show was aptly set to Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman's "Time to Say Goodbye":

It was quite a surreal moment.

We then went to Mamzar for our usual (or rather Hamy and mine) saffron tea and this tiny little cafeteria called Filli. It generally has a rather chav crowd that stare at anything that moves but we don't care - we want our saffron tea. And we chatted and sipped our tea and cancelled a rather spontaneous plan to go for shisha somewhere nearby due to curfews.

All in all, a rather awesome night. I'm really going to miss Dubai.

Time to say goodbye...

2010-04-07T18:44:00.000+04:00

It's been a very long and busy few weeks, as well as emotional. I don't respond well to change, at least not initially. Those who know me well know that I kick up quite a hissy-fit before I calm down, listen to reason, strategize and move on.

As you know, I'm uprooting myself from my home town and heading to London (Canada, not UK) for a Master's program. I suppose its great timing considering how Dubai and the UAE in general is turning into a farce. I'm not going to even get into whether I agree with the laws or not simply because if it's a law, it's a law. If the law says all eggs should only be colored with blue-and-white polka dots, then polka dots it is.

However, the bone I have to pick (as with most people) is how anyone with a vindictive bone can screw someone else's happiness without much thought about their actions or consequences. The enforcement of such also seems to be incredibly random. You can read all about it on this post on Life in Dubai (a blog I read quite often).

Anyhow, even though the changes happening in my life are for better, it is quite a roller coaster ride because it the first time in over 20 years that I'm moving to another country. I won't have familiar things surrounding me. Dubai is my home and it always will be, even if I never come back as a resident. It is my birthplace and where I've grown up. It is home.

I've quit my job - hallelujah. It felt good not having to deal with incompetent colleagues and no support from upper management. I've been busy packing with my mom and having to cut back drastically on what to take due to some bad news. I got my study permit and visa, but the Canadian Embassy decided that my mom and sister, who would be accompanying me to help me settle in, would not come back and hence denied their visit visas. It felt quite random and they did not give a satisfactory explanation as to why they felt that way. It didn't make sense logically as my mom is footing my tuition bill (and we showed the required documentation: salary certificates, bank statements, etc) and if she quit her job to go with me to Canada, who would pay my tuition? Hence, I'll have to stuff everything I own into two suitcases, instead of six. Well, three with mom pulling a few internal strings. I feel unnerved.

I also needed to sell my car and have a buyer ready. That should be settled by Sunday. Also have a farewell party with a few friends at Dubai Mall tomorrow.

So that's about it for now. I'm not sure if I'll post more for the remaining week I'm in town but there'll definitely be more posts once I'm in Canada. I'll leave you all with this song:

Happy Mother's Day...

2010-03-13T11:08:00.002+04:00

This month is a month dedicated to all women. Even Mother's day falls in this month.

Being a mother is a double-edged sword. It is a thankless job, yet a blessing. So much is expected out of her. Some from herself, some from her partner, some from the baby and some from society. Far too much pressure and expectations. Being a mother is also scary. You're in charge of something so beautiful, so small. You love that precious little bundle of joy and you'd do anything for them. Anything.

On the other hand, men can be cruel. Not all, but many. Men know how to hurt women, and know how to hit below the belt. They know a mother's biggest weakness is her children. They know they can use their children to hurt, control and manipulate them. Far too many women have stayed in horrible marriages, abusive relationships and far, far worse because of their children. What they fail to understand is that their children are always in a far worse place than if they just left.

I know this because I see it around me. And I grew up in something similar. I know my mom loves me, but I do know she resents me too. Partially. If it weren't for me or my sister, she'd have left my dad a long time ago instead of wasting over 20 years of her life. My dad used us to control my mother. I will never forgive him for that, nor will I ever forgive being used like that. Most days I wish I were never born because all my existence has brought is two people being stuck together, being miserable and resenting the fact that they had to wait for me to grow up for them to do something about their nightmare of a marriage. And me growing up to see all of this.

I remember all the things my dad would do to make sure my mom 'behaved'. He never hit any of us, nor did he ever hit my mother. But he threatened her and forbade her from doing many things, like not seeing her family - dangling us as bait. Oh, we got to see them when my dad was in a good mood, but I grew up knowing that my dad never saw my mom's side of the family. Both sets of my grandparents lived in Dhaka, and we'd split our summer holidays staying at both houses.

Let me give you an example of how my dad used to twist my mom's 'arm'. It was my mom's youngest sister's wedding - she was getting married in summer of '95. We got the invitation and news sometime in early December of '94. Of course, my dad wouldn't be attending, but my mom made plans for the three of us to go. She booked our tickets, told my grandmother to stitch some clothes for us and we were all set to go.

Then, my dad threw a fit and said my sister and I couldn't go. My mom begged and pleaded and did what she could to convince him, but he wouldn't budge. He said my mom could go, but we couldn't. So my mom cancelled our tickets and decided to go on her own.

Then, about a week or two before she planned on leaving, my dad threw another hissy fit and said she couldn't go either. She put her foot down and said he couldn't forbid her from attending her own sister's wedding. He then told my mom that if she went, he'd take the kids and leave.

And that's when my mom decided not to go. Because of us. Because of the threat of losing us. And in an even crueler twist of fate, he made sure we went to Dhaka only AFTER all the wedding ceremonies had ended and everyone in my mom's family had left. He knew if we went to his mother's (our paternal grandmother) house before then, she'd make sure we go.

That was just one incident. There were many more times where we had to lie to my dad to go visit my mom's family, or smuggle them in to our house when my dad wasn't at home. Over and over again, he'd threaten to leave with us anytime my mom went against his wishes. When I look back at it now and see it being mirrored in someone else's life, I see how men stoop so low to use their own children to manipulate their wives.

And the women are in a fix - if they stay, their husbands have ammo to control them. Every time they go out of line, men will keep dangling their children to keep them in check and control them. If they do leave - they're branded as being a bad mother and abandoning their child. What do they do and where do they go?

In my opinion, I think letting go is sometimes the biggest sacrifice a mother can make for her child's welfare. Having the courage to stand up and not let a man control you like that ultimately is the best thing you can do for your child and yourself. It is also the hardest thing to do.

If the mother is unable to support the child at that point of time, then leave to fight for custody another day. Make something of yourself - study, get better qualifications - anything that makes you financially stable enough to battle for your child in court. Don't be selfish. Don't stay because you'd rather take the abuse and let your child see it because you don't want to be a 'bad mother' or because you don't want your child to call another person 'mama'. You are not a bad mother - rather, in my opinion, you are the better mother and person for letting your child grow in a place where the parents aren't fighting, even if it means calling someone else 'mama'.

What if they grow up brainwashed by their father and hates you for leaving? Again, they'd hate you for staying and growing up living like I have. I know I'm not a mother so I may not know what it feels like, but I am a child. And I wish my mom would have called my dad's bluff and said "go ahead, take my children." I wish she would have had the courage to not let my dad use us that way to get to her. If they can't see what you as a mother have done so that they stay sane, then they're an ungrateful lot.

So I say this to all the mothers stuck in a bad marriage and with children - get out. Get out now before you start resenting your children. And your children resent you.

The rather lengthy update...

2010-03-10T09:01:00.000+04:00

I know I'm going to be fucked by staying up so late (or early) and writing this. But as those who suffer from writer's block and a rather busy life know, you have to give in when inspiration strikes.

First up, a few updates on my life.

I got in to my dream program and I'll be heading to great, big, frozen north shortly before my birthday - that would be mid-April. A little over a month. Finally, going to the one country I've been dreaming about for months, doing the Master's I've been wanting to do and being with the man I love. I must have done something right the past few months (or even in a past life if that floats your boat).

Speaking of my man, SB reads my blog. Yup, my first ever main squeeze that reads this space. It just felt right telling him about it. Although this is quite a public forum to be maintaining a slightly private diary, there has been some privacy in anonymity. Plus, despite all the raunchy posts, there have been many things I don't write about here.

Being with SB has made me feel far safer than anyone. Even P never read this. I may have mentioned that I wrote a blog, but he never asked, and I never volunteered giving the URL. There was a part of me that still didn't feel safe - and sure enough I was right. I doubt he'd be too pleased reading about everything I'd written about, especially in the last few months.

But I digress. I suppose having a long-distance relationship, even for a while, really helps in getting to know a person. You spend time talking and learning new things about the person. Plus with him, things seemed to just click. Despite our incredibly contrasting lives and experiences - him having a rather happy, secure life versus my rather colorful and checkered past - we complement each other so well. He wanted to know more about me, and I told him whatever I could. But my memory does get pretty lousy and after telling him quite a few doozies that aren't documented in my blog, he still stuck around. So, my gut didn't object much when I thought about handing him the key to a diary containing over four years of my life - the good, the bad and the very ugly.

And he's still around. Which is a good sign isn't it?

He understands why I blog. Rather than being judgmental about the content, he listened. If anything, reading it made us closer (I hope). He wants me to continue writing.

On the work-front, I gave my 30-day notice earlier in the month and my last day will be on the 31st. I can't wait to quit - I'd been looking for an opportunity and getting in to the program worked quite nicely. We launched on the new platform and our website looks really good. But in terms of the working environment, it's been getting more and more toxic. Whether it is my patience dwindling or the fact that I'm surrounded by incompetence and blatant favoritism and racism, I'm glad I'm leaving now. I am grateful to my boss and the company that gave me great opportunities as a fresh grad, but the company no longer exists and the person who hired me is no longer around. It is time for me to move on. More bitching later.

I got my house sorted out in London (again Ontario, not UK). Yes, in this part of the world, I have to keep saying London ONTARIO and asked dumb questions like:
"How can London be in Canada?"
"But I thought you said Canada?"
"Do you pay in dollars or in pounds?" (yes, someone actually asked me that)

All that's left is complete my last few days at work, get my visa sorted out, pack my stuff and sell my car. Anyone interested in a 2003 Echo?

I is IN!!!!!

2010-02-25T15:40:00.000+04:00

I GOT IN TO MY DREAM PROGRAM!!!!!

I may have mentioned being wait-listed for the program I had applied last last year in my previous post. Well, I GOT IN!!!!! *high-pitched squeal*

Which also means I have less than two months to quit my job, sell my car, get my finances in order and head to London (Ontario, not UK). It also means that I'll be so much closer to SB! We won't be in the same town, he's about an hour away and we'd definitely be together every weekend.

I feel so relieved, yet anxious. Now that Step 1 in my ultimate goal is done, it's time to do Step 2, which in itself is a whole bunch of goals and things to do. But as SB says, take everything one step at a time.

V-Day and more...

2010-02-19T15:16:00.000+04:00

This week was certainly not my week. I've felt like a black cat that had Penelope Pitstop cross its path.

Work, college applications and family drama have sucked my brain dry, making it very hard for me to blog or write or do anything beyond my daily routine. Which is wake up; go to work where I multi-task between updating the site, checking out college-applications and chatting with SB; come home and chat with SB, check out college-applications and watch some TV; sleep for a few hours and 'rinse and repeat ad nauseum'.

Work has me incredibly frustrated. I found out that despite being an editor, I'm currently the lowest paid staff of the group, a little above the man I truly detest. I feel absolutely demotivated, over-worked, under-paid and incredibly under-appreciated. But I'm still staying. You know why? Because I'm hoping my time is limited in Dubai and that I get in to a Canadian college soon. I can take leave when I like, call in sick or work from home should nothing function at office, which is nowadays all the time. I work night shifts which doesn't leave much room for a social life in Dubai, but allows me to be in touch with Canadian group of friends, including SB. Night shifts also means fewer hours when things are functioning and efficient. Withe exception of one person, I also really like my co-workers and I bond well with my boss(es).

I still hate my job despite me sticking around *sigh*.

~~SB and I~~ We are doing great so far. Yes, 'we'. I feel safe enough to uae 'we', 'our' and 'us' in regards to my darling. I admit I've been a horrible girlfriend the past week due to work/college applications/stress/family drama, but he's been a great sport about it and an awesome boyfriend. Valentine's day was special despite not being able to spend it together. I had sent him a beautiful black leather wallet from Jafferjee's with embossed initials in silver, along with a cute lil ~~birthday~~ Valentine's card. He was quite pleased with it. I, on the other hand, was pleasantly surprised by the arrival of these on my desk:

The bouquet, which had 13 roses, one for each week we've been together:

Ok, it didn't exactly happen like that. The 14th was a little more topsy-turvy than I bargained for. I didn't get much sleep due to the fact that an Etisalat technician came over to upgrade our home to fibre-optics. Due to the fact that my room is a dead-zone for both TV and internet, they had to drill a hole in the wall separating my room and mum's to build a telecom socket. Also pretty much messing up my room while doing so.

So off I went to work with no sleep whatsoever. Before having to do that, my mom asked me to drop her near her office. After dropping her, I ended up bumping into a guy as I exited - ok, I know its my fault. The car in front of me took the turn and then braked - as he was in my blind-sight, I didn't see the braking bit and bumped into him. Off we go to the station where not only will my insurance get jacked a few notches - I also got a AED400 fine as a 'processing fee'.

So I reach work and I get a call from both Hamy and some strange guy - Hamy wanted to meet me to 'deliver something', while the strange guy was a flower shop deliver guy. Hamy meets me at my office and gives me the yummy chocolates, courtesy of SB, which was a very pleasant surprise to my otherwise really horrid day.

The flower guy was another thing altogether. My office isn't clearly marked, but it isn't that hard to find either. For a delivery person, the dude was really bad with directions and pretty much had no knowledge of Dubai roads. I told him near MoE and gave him incredibly explicit locations. I can understand if someone got lost within Al Qouz/Barsha area, but this guy got lost in a complete-missed-the-mark way. First he goes to Dubai Mall, than Jumeirah, than a few other locations that are anywhere but MoE and then decides to say 'fuck it' and go back to the flower shop in Deira without informing me! By that time I was really agitated - I really wanted to see what SB had gotten me and also irritated at the guy's incompetency. By the time SB came online to wish me, it was about 9pm. I was in tears through no sleep, long day, non-functioning internet and being surrounded by utter idiots. Thank god for BlackBerry. Oh did I mention I bought a BB? More on that later. Anyhow, he contacted the flower shop in his own way and finally the manager or shop owner called me up, took down the location and delivered the flowers personally by 10pm. Topsy-turvy day for sure, that ended on a good note. Oh, and we had a double movie date - watched Kal Ho Na Ho and 27 Dresses.

I'm still quite sleep deprived so I'll leave you with some cute pictures of a salt-n-pepper shaker I saw at a restaurant a few days back:

Now altogether - Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

School update...

2010-02-06T20:03:00.000+04:00

There has been a development regarding the applications. I thought I'd email the school I've been talking about for weeks to see what's happening. Turns out I've been wait-listed. As in I would be accepted only if there was any spots open. As in someone who did get accepted would have to decline, die, or choose another school instead. *sigh*

I was really heart broken and a little devastated getting the news. I know it isn't an absolute no, but its highly probable I won't get in this year. Which means I'm stuck for another year.

I cried and was pretty inconsolable for hours. SB was there for me and calmed me down. He even gave me the idea to check out local colleges that offer post-grad certificates and diplomas and are still accepting applications for the Fall/Winter intake.

After I calmed down and stopped throwing a hissy fit, I realised that I had put all my eggs in one basket and that it might be a good idea to try colleges over universities. They're cheaper, I'd be so much closer to my friends and they're much more hands-on then some universities. Of course, nothing would be better than doing my Master's in my dream school, but I need to re-evaluate.

My bigger concern is immigration over getting a degree. I can always pursue a master's later - probably pay less as I'd be considered a 'local' student vs an 'international' student.

What's been really awesome throughout this roller-coaster of emotions has been SB's support, as well as my mom's. I'd like to think I take rejection rather well, even though I may not act like it. Going to Canada has been a very, very, very long dream of mine - over 10 years and counting. I've bided my time, made compromises and never really made such a big effort until last year. Mostly because I wanted to get things right before attempting to migrate. I don't ever want to do anything shady or live like an alien without any rights. I am a law-abiding person. Plus family issues have prevented me from actively pursuing getting out of here.

But now I just want out. I love Dubai and it is and will always be my home, but I want out. I'm tired of hitting the expat-glass ceiling, the woman-glass ceiling and the desi-glass ceiling in regards to wages, attitudes and many other things. I'm tired of hearing how an Emirati/Arab/white dude who has half the experience and/or education as me gets paid over triple my current salary. I'm tired of hearing how some Arab staff got a few thousand extra as a 'inflation correction' to their current salary. I'm tired of feeling threatened in my own home. I'm tired of having to simmer and stew in frustration instead of being able to defend or protect myself. I've reached a point where I don't feel proud of who or what I am because of societal attitudes. I'm sick of double standards.

So now I will do whatever I can within legal means to get out of here. Even if it means doing a certificate or diploma or even a bachelors all over again instead of getting a Master's. Because I really want to get out.

I hate my job...

2010-01-29T02:22:00.000+04:00

Any moment now and I'll know if I'm in. Just to be on the safe side, I've applied to another fine institution - which means I now have two chances to get in.

Even though the waiting time has shortened from three months to now weeks, the time period gets longer as the days get shorter. The more I think about it, the more the wait seems to grow. Although time has passed by pretty fast due to our weekly movie dates, DnD and generally having a pleasant time with SB.

Big changes are currently happening at work - hopefully all good. Still very short on staff, so I feel bad for my boss if and when I get accepted into university and have to resign.

My plant-head is now balding and getting a weird white fuzz all over - perhaps its aging?

For those of you that know me on FB, I've become quite addicted to Vampire Wars and Castle Age in addition to a long-running, yet interest-waning Mafia Wars. Blame that on SB. Well no, can't blame him on much except for introducing me to them. The rest is all me - they are highly addictive, especially Castle Age.

Friday Edit: The above was written almost four days ago. Things at work have been really crazy. I was so agitated and irritated by everything I was close enough to quit. It was like trying to perform a delicate and complex neurosurgery using plastic cutlery. Being stuck in the middle of a corporate takeover with no IT support, no machines, no internet and then being expected to deliver things on time is just a sorry-ass joke. It reached a point where I wanted to tell the powers-that-be to stop jerking us around and give us the required support or just put us out of our misery and fire us. Because working everyday from 5pm to 7am and doing absolutely zilch due to nothing working was not something I cared to do indefinitely. I hate work. I'm so glad it's the weekend.

I'm bored...and sad

2010-01-20T23:01:00.001+04:00

Tonight is going to be a very, very, very long night. I'm stuck with the slowpoke.

That lil nugget of info aside, I finally got my money back from P. I can finally shut that chapter of my life for good. I felt relief. I also felt sadness. Like when a distant-yet-fond-of relative dies, or a pet spider. I know I've spent many months grieving about this - so I shouldn't feel anything right now - right? I don't really. I mean I don't feel anything for him, yet seeing a bond die still hurts a bit. But not to worry, I'll get over it soon enough.

I've finally figured out what to do about a top-secret project, details of which I will reveal in due time. Sorry. But it's going to be very big indeed.

Mom has thawed a little, mainly due to the fact that SB sent her a sweet email introducing himself. She replied back and hopefully she no longer thinks of him as the devil's spawn. Not that he ever was, but she seemed to act that way.

Back to the grind.

Games...

2010-01-16T19:25:00.000+04:00

Yes, I've not been blogging much. That would probably be due to actually having a social life, or any sort of life. Until I get dumped or find myself alone, you may see a big gap in posts.

My social life has largely been of the virtual sort. SB and I are doing great and there's no sign of it letting up anytime soon. Although the geophysical distance can be frustrating, it hasn't really affected our relationship as a whole. Funny thing is, I miss him and I don't. I'm lonely, but I'm not alone.

The internet and voice chat have been a blessing and an industrial-strength binder to our relationship. It not only makes the wait less frustrating, it's given us opportunity to really get to know each other - and it seems like we're a geeky match made in Heaven (or something on those lines if you don't believe in heaven). We talk regularly and I think I've spent almost every waking minute with him - hence why I don't miss him and why I don't feel alone.

I've also discovered a new passion. Well, it was always there in its latent form. But DnD has pretty much taken my passion for fantasy fiction to another level. It not only lets me walk into the realm of fantasy, but allows me to live and create my own universe with like-minded people. I have found my home. With SB and my best bud in it.

Oh, and if you're bored, you should try this funny lil game.

Another month or so for that damn letter to show up.

Movies and more...

2010-01-09T19:19:00.000+04:00

I've calmed down considerably after my previous outburst. There is a sort of cold-war/rocky-truce going on between my mother and I. I'm not quite sure what to do about, but I'm hurt enough to be a little petulent and not apologise yet.

I had sent a lovely Xmas card to SB around December 15/16th. I didn't expect it to arrive by Xmas day - Infact, I figured it would be in by maybe New Year's or shortly after. It's the 9th and still no sign of the card. So far, only Al has gotten his. It worries me a little. And they were such pretty cards.

Things between SB and I have been going great. I'm building an awesome rapport with his mum, which feels bittersweet. Bittersweet because it reminds me of my situation at home. His parents have been so awesome and accepting of me, yet my mom refuses to even know him. It makes me sad that she can't look beyond all the crap of my past (and hers), cultural differences and see how happy he makes me.

All she sees at the moment is that he is "non-Muslim". Oh, possibly "white" too. She doesn't see that he is loving, respectful and willing to learn about my culture and my religion. No, I'm not trying to convert him and I don't want to. To be honest, SB and I are very similar on our opinions about religion and spirituality. We don't agree on everything, but we do understand and respect each other's opinion and we agree on overall respect, acceptance and tolerance one should have for each other. I guess a sort of humanist view.

Our weekly movie dates have expanded into a sort of family night. Not only is it just the two of us, but his mom has joined us, with his dad hopefully joining in this week. It's my pick this time and I thought I would show "Rang De Basanti". Not only is it a brilliant film, but it will hopefully give them some insight into Indian history. As it is a long movie, we would probably watch it in two parts over two nights.

I think these weekly dates are a great way to mark and pass time until I finally land there. Plus, we get to watch more movies - him on Bollywood greats, me on some great Hollywood and indie films.

*sigh* I miss him.

Frustrated and tired

2010-01-03T18:36:00.000+04:00

I know I will probably be breaking my resolution, but by now I don't really give a flying fuck. This is one of those times where I feel so frustrated and trapped and I feel like no-one understands or cares. And I don't want the stupid 'be positive' and 'happy' crap. You don't have to deal with my shit, so don't even try to think it's small or silly.

Things came to a breaking point today when my mom wanted me to see a new TV series she's watching called Mahi Way, which is about an over-weight girl. She said I reminded her of that girl. I just screamed at her and stormed into my room. I cried hard before managing to pull myself together and head to work.

I am truly sick of my mom always bugging me about two things - my weight and the state of my uterus. I've spent over 15 years hearing that crap - no matter what I do, it all boils down to my weight and my period.

It's not like I haven't tried. I've gone to doctors, lost so much weight that my mom started complaining about me getting too thin. But nothing works - I still can't be like a 'normal' woman and get my period every month. It's just not happening. Other doctors hinted I should 'get married', a euphemism for getting laid. Tried that - no change. Short of trying to get pregnant (which is an absolute no-no), I've tried just about every single cure under the sun. Juices, prayers, expensive hormone treatments, shrinks - everything. It's reached a point where I fake getting my period every month to stop my mother from asking about it. Hey - she's not going to check to see if the napkins are bloody - as long as there are used napkins in the bin.

I am not trying to be melodramatic when I say I'd rather get a hysterectomy if that will make everyone just shut up. I am just that tired and frustrated.

I don't know if I will be able to have a kid or not. And frankly, that doesn't matter to me either. Why bring another innocent being into such a miserable world? Why is having someone that is genetically yours so important? If I truly wanted a child, I could care less if he/she were my own or someone else's. On the other hand, it is unfair to deprive my future partner, whoever that may be, the chance of having their own genetically-matched mini-hims.

So what do I do? Never get married? Never get involved because it is doomed to fail because I can't get my period? I am just reminded everyday by my mom, my sister and whoever else what a failure I am as a woman.

I am reminded of that every time I eat - how fattening each bite it is, regardless of the fact that my mom cooked it herself or that she ordered it. I am reminded of it each time I wake up, because I haven't eaten and I don't have time to eat before going to work. I am reminded of it each time I get home because I haven't eaten at work and dig something out of the fridge or pick something to eat on the way home. I am reminded of it each time we go out to eat and no matter what I order, it is 'not healthy'.

I hate food. Yet I love it. I can't enjoy anything I eat because I am reminded of how bad it is, how it is the cause of my weight and my missing period and how I am a big, fat failure as a woman because I can't have kids because of my missing period and how I'll die alone because no-one will love me because I'm so fat and I can't get my period and have children. And if anyone thinks any differently, then they must be a chubby-chaser or a freak. Which is what my mother clearly thinks about SB because there is no way he could possibly like me for me.

She said as much when I tried sharing my feeling about him, and trying to tell her about how happy he makes me. He's weird if he's a player, and weird if he's never had a girlfriend - he's the latter, btw. No matter what nice thing I told my mom about him, she would say something mean. And then she started on my weight - "lose some weight". I asked her how it was relevant to the topic. She replied, he won't like you otherwise. I said that he liked me the way I am, and that there's more to me than my weight. And she said, why? Does he like fat girls then? To which I just stormed off. It really hurt.

I am just so tired and frustrated about everything. I know my mom is an awesome and nice person, but I hate her when she goes on about things like this. I hate it so much that I just wish I could die.

Instead all I do is hate myself even more and decide to go on a hunger strike. From now on, all I'm ever going to have is ciggarettes every time I think of food, some water to prevent dehydration, and a small square of dark chocolate so that I don't faint due to low blood sugar.

I must go for a smoke now...

Happy 2010

2010-01-02T23:21:00.000+04:00

Picture courtesy of Stained

So we're now in a new decade and new year. I thought this lovely picture by a very talented photographer and fellow blogger would be apt for a post on the new year.

So how did I spend the last night of 2009? In short, a barbecue with the few friends left in Dubai, as well as with my sister and her friends. The longer version may have me cribbing about the many things that went wrong hat night. Like going camping in the desert without any wood or water. And being incredibly late. Also cooking in the freezing dark. But despite those little hiccups, I did enjoy my evening, and received a call from SB at the stroke of midnight to wish me a happy 2010. Followed by me calling him at 9am my time, his midnight, to wish him a happy new year. Although being quite groggy and sleep-deprived, I may have wished him happy birthday instead. I'm not quite sure.

Speaking of which, I think I may have a new year's resolution: to crib and bitch less about things that go wrong in my life. My life is far from perfect, so there's plenty of things I can bitch and moan about. But I've realised that my whining has gotten to a point where I start looking for things to criticize when there is none. If the night is perfect, I'll complain about something like someone showing up two seconds late.

More later...

PS: Hope y'all had a good New Year's Eve and an even better start to the new yearand decade.

Roundup 2009

2009-12-27T19:48:00.000+04:00

Did this meme last year and thought it would be fun to visit it again this year. Do it if it pleases you, or simply bored:

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Visit Canada. Actually finish an application for college. Meet new people, and renew old friendships. Travel on my own. Travel on a whim. Splurge and live a little. Go to more events in town. Online movie date. A proper date.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Never really made any resolutions this year. But I have made it a goal to get my rear end in Canada and begin studying by next year tops.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yep - well not super close, but Facebook-close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Touchwood no. I didn't even have to kill dead people again to get out of work.

5. What countries did you visit?
USA. Canada. Yep, that's about it.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A steady relationship with a nice guy. A better pay and job. Better health. To do all of that in Canada preferably.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 1st - The day I started working at my current job.
November 23 - the day I landed in Canada the first time.
November 27th - the day SB and I hooked up. Also the day I went to my future-to-be campus.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not losing my job. Working as a night editor. Going to Canada. Completing my application to study in Canada.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing P forever.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness - yes. I don't do well with URTIs and caught plenty of them this year. The worst was the one I got after my Canadian trip - I was in bed for a full week. I'm a klutz so I've had loads of minor injuries this year. I bruise easily.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My gadgets, which included an XBox Live, LCD TV, new desktop, MacBook Pro, iPod nano, SE G900 and a laptop for my mom. *phew* I really did go bananas this year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Sam. Mom. SB. Karen.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
P. Sis. Mom.

14. Where did most of your money go?
See question 11 *buries head in shame*

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Canada. Applying for Canadian universities. Being with SB. Meeting Karen.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
BEP's "I gotta Feeling"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
Happier, same weight, poorer (see Q#11).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Avoid losers. Exercise more. Spend more time traveling.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Meet losers. Sleep.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Went to watch Avatar with my sister, followed by spending time talking to SB.

21. Did you meet/date anyone special in 2009?
SB. :D

[22 was missing] - darn it. I bet it was some sex related thing - perv!

23. How many one-night stands?
No comments :) But considerably less than last year.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Too many to count.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is too strong a word. Let's just say my respect for them has lessened. But not reached voodoo doll point. P, specifically.

26. What was the best book you read?
Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The stuff I discovered with SB. Sam Cooke's "Bring it on home"

28. What did you want and get?
SB. Well not him specifically, but just someone like him. Going to Canada.

29. What did you want and not get?
P. But now that I think about it, I'm better off without him. Also getting rejected when applying for the Canadian visit visa the first time. I got it after reapplying in person.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I watched quite a few movies this year. I would have to say my online movie dates with SB.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 25. Was working till late night because of the server crashing, but celebrated a nice, sit down dinner with friends the day after.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Knowing that I got in to my university of choice. But alas, I'll only know by February. Oh, and getting my money back from P.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Mostly jeans and a top, with loafers and moccasins. Hoodies. Hasn't changed much since last year.

34. What kept you sane?
Blogging. Mom. My working goal towards going to Canada.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
David Duchovny. More of a revival of a decade-old crush after watching him in Californication. Although I would also add Jonathan Rhys Meyer after seeing him The Tudors and Elvis.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The global economic crisis and its effects on Dubai.

37. Who did you miss?
My size 10 waist. And SB. Karen. All my friends in Canada and America. And P - I miss his friendship more than anything, although as of now I want nothing to do with him.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Karen! SB of course. Actually, all the people I met on my trip to Canada, and even my US trip.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Things don't happen the way you want them to. Yet, everything does work out in the end. And if they don't - then it's not over yet. As SRK said - "The movie is not over until the happy ending".

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I gotta feeling
That tonight's gonna be a good night... :)

Happy Holidays folks! And here's to an awesome 2010!

Seven Things...

2009-12-21T14:05:00.000+04:00

I've been tagged by Karen. Well not really. But I feel like doing a meme. It's quite simple: list 7 things about myself. So *cracks knuckles* here goes:

1) I desperately want a cat. Ok, so perhaps my nearest and dearest know that, but I really do want a kitty of my own to love and to cherish. While any cat will do at this point, I'd prefer a birman cat. They are simply gorgeous!

2) I am an incredibly flaky person. My moods change, and so does my taste in many things.

3) I love food wayyyyyyy too much to ever get an eating disorder. I think it has to do with the flakiness - I may stop eating, but then it lasts for a few days and I'm back stuffing my face. Bulimia is not an option either as I rather like my teeth. *sigh* I have zero will power regarding food - which leaves me with 4.

4) I hate to exercise. I'd rather relax. I NEED to exercise, but I sure do hate doing it. Let me amend that. I LOVE to exercise when I'm doing it. I hate trying to muster up the ambition to do it. That's the difficult part for me. Its easier to just stay home and snuggle down with my current squeeze (be it man, pet or toy). If the gym were right next door I'd be all set (although in my case, that may not be enough either). I'm lazy, I guess. I often marvel at people's dedication to looking and feeling good, and their ambition to make that happen. I want it to happen without the work. But one glance at my flabby skin tells me that it never will. And that makes me sad. (yes, I did just copy-paste this from Karen's - but it describes me perfectly)

5) Despite not being very religious, I have a strong aversion to pork. Most people don't get that I NEVER want to eat it. It may be Muslim guilt, it may not. But it's my hang-up ok? Some people like eating only red M&Ms, or hate mushrooms. Mine is pork. Stop bugging me. Or deceiving me.

6) I am a closet bookaholic/bibliophile. I have more books than space to keep them. Most women have this thing for shoes. For me, it's books. I get very upset if I lose any of them.

7) I am in head-over-heels, butterflies-in-tummy, crazy in lurve. *huge grin*

If you're reading this, you're tagged. If not, meh.

Reflections

2009-12-17T15:50:00.000+04:00

The year has flown by in a blur of emotions. So has the last decade - a very crucial, emotionally challenging decade. So many things have happened to shape who I've become. I graduated not only from high school, but from university too. I've been working at my first job for over two years now. I love what I do, even if it doesn't get the approval I crave from certain people. I doubt I ever will, unless I'm nothing short of being a doctor.

The year started on a good note, and then things got worse from there. Ok, it could have been much worse. I could have been laid off from work instead of being transferred. I could have had a drastic pay-cut. I am blessed that there are those, old and new, who believe in me at work. I just have to remind myself of that at times.

Personally, my life has been very, very complicated this entire year. Relationship and family-wise. The good thing out of the entire fiasco was being able to bond much closer with my mom. My relationship with my mom hasn't been an easy one. There are many, many things that I don't tell her about myself because I'm scared of being a disappointment. I also do it to protect her in some weird thought process. I don't ever want her to feel that she did any less for me, or that she is in anyway responsible for the bad things I've done or become.

Going to Canada for a visit and applying for my Master's was the best thing I could have done for myself this year. As much as Dubai is my home and my love, I know that I need to get out for a while to grow. To be a better person. And Canada is where I need to go to grow as a professional and as a person.

I also met SB. I think I may have said the same thing about Jeff last year. Although there are BIG differences between the two, I guess a part of me is worried that I may be repeating history again. But it can't be, can it?

They are as different as night and day. Jeff, while being gentlemanly, was always so secretive about himself. If it weren't for meeting him just once, I could have imagined the entire thing. I had no way of keeping in touch or even knowing if he's alive beyond an email address. Which wasn't very reassuring. He'd disappear for days, even weeks, and I'd be left in a sobbing mess of nerves, worrying for his safety. He'd always say something, but mean something else. I was so adamant to want to make the relationship work that I ignored the fact that there were many things that we didn't have in common. I guess I didn't want to be a failure. I never wanted to tell my mom about him because I wanted enough time with him before involving my folks. Yet he nagged and nagged and I finally gave in before I was ready. Then he threw me to the wolves and disappeared, leaving me to deal with the aftermath. Telling my folks isn't like how people in the west introduce their girlfriend/boyfriend. When you tell my folks, that means its serious - the marrying-type serious. I had no face to show my mother after that fiasco.

Then there is SB. Sweet, innocent, and a gentleman. He plays no games with me - I don't have to scheme and manipulate to get any contact information out of him. I wanted to mail him an Xmas card and I asked him for his mailing address. Without asking why, he gave it to me. It was as simple as that. I found it too easy. I asked him whether that was his real address. He got shocked and said "of course, why wouldn't it be?". He wants to stay in touch and I know where he is most of the time. His mom knows about me and I've had the pleasure of speaking with her. He treats me, spoils me even. Well compared to past relationships, I feel very spoiled. He hasn't pressured me into doing anything I don't want to do, even in regards to my mom. He wants to get to know my mother, versus nagging me to inform her that we are dating. He wants to ask her permission to come see me in Dubai. It feels so easy talking to him, and we have many, many common interests. Even if we don't, we try each other's opinion and if we still don't agree, we agree to disagree. The best part is that he listens without judging. He is mature as an individual, without the corruptness and asshole-ness that comes with playing men his age. I credit that to not just him, but to his parents for raising him right.

We started a weekly movie date - we watch a movie together while chatting online. It started when we were discussing music and I introduced him to this song:

Sappy as it may be, it is very beautiful and the lyrics are so emotive, expressive. He got so curious about the song and its role in the movie that we ended up watching it together (with subtitles, of course). He loved the movie and I may have made a SRK fan out of him. He is so eager to learn about me and my culture, which I never felt with anyone else who wasn't Hindi/Urdu speaking. It isn't one-sided - I am learning a lot more about him too.

I do hope this is all worth it.

Rainy days...

2009-12-13T20:09:00.000+04:00

It is raining cats and dogs. Forget domestics, it's raining pretty much every single animal on the planet. Which means flooded roads, nightmarish traffic and even more road rage. *sigh*

It took quite a bit of cajoling to get myself out of bed today. I was so warm and cozy and didn't want to go and face the big, bad, wet world. Don't get me wrong - I love rain. I just don't enjoy working in the rain, as well as the long and slightly dangerous commute in the downpour.

I told my mom about SB. She didn't react as I hoped, but atleast she didn't have the theatrics that normal desi moms have regarding a non-desi guy. She didn't want to speak to him yet, and she kept making comparisons to Jeff, a.k.a. JT. Which was understandable, yet a bit irritating. I explained the whole JT thing to SB and he said he understood, which meant he'd have to try harder to win my mom over with his charm and wit. He really wants to get my mom involved as he plans to ask her permission to come see me in Dubai this Feb, a sort of half-way mark should I get my acceptance letter and head to school in May.

SB has been a darling so far and very keen to know more about me, my family and my culture. He is a hopeless romantic at heart and being with him is just so easy. I don't have to think too hard about what to say, and he listens. I've spoken to his mom and she's pleased to meet me. He is transparent about most things - I asked him for his mailing address. And he gave it to me without question. No begging, pleading, manipulating or anything. And he doesn't care who knows about us - we're officially a 'thing' on FB too. I know his friends, and obviously Sam is our common friend. This feels different, yet I'm also pacing myself.

We both are culture-vultures, with similar tastes in music, Brit comedies, classical music and so much more. He is also extremely smart without patronising me. He is sweet and romantic, something that I haven't had in a very long time. He is macho enough to admit liking chick flicks and other slightly girlie things.

I miss him. *sigh* Hopefully, mom will come around. And it will all be worth it.

Geeky dreams...

2009-12-12T12:50:00.000+04:00

The weather has been awesome in Dubai. NOW we are truly in winter. I joke frequently about how we have a wet X'Mas here, rather than a white one. The temperature is down to 18C, and will drop further as time passes. We ended up going as low as 10C last year.

I'm almost recovered from my bug. I have a scratchy throat and a phelgmy cough, but nothing bone-rattling like before. I should be right as rain in a few days. Mom will be arriving this evening, which means I have to have the place scrubbed from ceiling to floor. Not that it was messy. However, my mom will still scrub ever nook and cranny despite my best efforts. It's just her thing. So I mostly just do a quick vacuum, store everything away and do the dishes.

I had a rather weird and geeky dream last night. I was back in college and it was my last semester and the final week of exams. I land up on campus only to realize that I don't know what exam I'm giving, or the time. I panic because if I don't sit for the paper, despite being 20% of my grade, I will not graduate. I look for a computer to find my exam schedule and class roster. And that's where the nightmare begins: there is NO working machine. Either it is not working, not connecting to the Internet/Intranet, someone's already on it or I don't have a password. I wander from building to building and even go to our library, which is a three-story stand alone building. But to no avail - no viable machine. I scream and that's when I wake up. :S Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something?

There are a few things happening with SB, but I'm going to keep it under wraps till it happens - so you'll have to wait and watch :)

Wicked...

2009-12-11T15:04:00.000+04:00

I am in love with Sonya Tayeh. She has a dark and twisted mind, but I love her choreography.

First it was this lil jazz number:

And now this contemporary piece (which really looks more jazzy IMO) on a recent episode of SYTYCD:

In other news, winter in Dubai has finally arrived with the cooling and refreshing rains.

In case you were wondering - yes, I'm feeling much better.

More updates later.

Sore Throat and more...

2009-12-07T23:39:00.000+04:00

I am not doing too well. Two days after landing back in Dubai, I started having a sore throat, which rapidly progressed in to a runny nose, slight temperature and the will to crawl under a rock and rot. Needless to say, I've been working from home so as to recover and to not spread the bug. Although how I got it is a mystery. I haven't come across any sick people, didn't really catch it on the plane and was fit as a horse in my short time in freezing Canada. To catch it two days later in perfectly pleasant Dubai weather.

My mom was supposed to return from visiting her folks tonight but turns out that her flight was canceled. So she's stuck for about another week. I miss my mommy. But you know what? I under-estimated her yet again.

She asked me about my trip and told her roughly what I did and where I went, sans SB or the nightlife. I told her I had made new friends and that's where she went "Oh? New friends? Any serious new friends?" I paused, and quickly replied no. But I'm guessing my mom isn't that dumb. But I never mentioned anything and I'm a bit shocked that she'd assume that 'friends' would mean 'guy' friends. She then gave a "we'll talk more when I return" tone and changed the topic. Looks like the cat's out of the bag.

Well, it probably would be out anyhow. SB wants to come visit me in Dubai very soon. And I asked him to crash at our place. I figured that if he's coming all the way to see me, the least I could do was give him a place to crash. Which would mean meeting my mom and explaining the hows and whys of his visit. He told his mom about me too and I even had the opportunity to talk to her. She seemed pleased to speak to me and said I was pretty. *blush*

Things feel so good right now, but they also scare me a bit. He's been an absolute gem so far and just the things he says make me melt. We also have a meeting of the minds on many levels. I'm incredibly scared though. My previous experiences stop me from just giving in completely. I wonder at times what I did to meet an awesome guy like him, and when he will stop being awesome and screw me over. P said he'd never hurt me and yet we're no longer friends and he's getting married tomorrow. As well as owing me a big chunk of money that I now have to steel myself and ask him to return it back.

I'm going to go and sleep my bug off.

Back home...

2009-12-04T18:25:00.000+04:00

So I'm back in the sandlands again. As much as Dubai is my home, I have realized that I need to get away for a while. Going away on a short vacation is not enough, but I do know that going to Canada, whenever that may be, is where I definitely do want to be.

The rest of my vacation went by in a fast blur. More outings and I even traveled out of Kitchener to other cities to meet relatives and close friends. I couldn't meet everyone on my list, but I did what I could.

I also made some new friends and met a rather strapping, adorable lad. Sam calls him the Swedish Bastard affectionately, because he's built like a rock. I'll refer to him as SB. At first I thought it was part of my vacation/Vegas Week thing, but it turns out that there's much more between us and we both want to know more and keep in touch. And so we have and are. It's going good so far. I have no expectations due to prior experience, but he seems so nice and attentive and there is plenty of chemistry. It is a 'wait and watch' thing because I'm back here and my return to Canada depends on many factors, like being accepted for grad school. At the very least, four months. At the most, six months, should I return back as a visitor. But I truly hope I get accepted into grad school and I can stay there for longer.

So I guess we wait and watch :)

In other unrelated news, I was really shocked to find that a nice neighborhood like Qusais is no longer safe from sexual predators. What makes it more horrific was that it involved a 4-year-old boy, a drunk Emirati (which the newspaper duly noted was of Bahraini origin - like that makes it any less disturbing) and sodomisation in a mosque's toilet no less. That too during Eid. There's more on the different cases through the years here.

What I feel the article failed to acknowledge was the fact that crimes like these aren't just committed by 'expats' who don't know better. Sick individuals are present regardless of nationality and citizenship.

In my opinion, I do feel a sense of unease at the fact that 'wasta' can or may run up to far serious offenses. I have discussed in previous posts that there is a sense of entitlement amongst many locals. While it is good to feel proud and secure within one's own country, it is another to think you can get away with just about anything. It devalues respect for other human beings and disrespects both those who have lived here for many years and guests. This will not help anyone in the end. And it is beginning to show.

Meme: Lists

2009-11-30T09:02:00.000+04:00

I got tagged by Closed eyes, so here goes:

THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID:
1. I adore Disney.
2. I live with my mom.
3. I read Noddy.

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD:
1. I am a bit of a control-freak.
2. I don't have as much stamina as I used to.
3. I prefer sleeping instead of partying on the weekend.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO:
1. Go to Canada.
2. Stay in Canada.
3. Study and eventually work in Canada.

THREE WAYS THAT I'M A STEREOTYPICAL "BOY":
1. I love games.
2. I appreciate the female anatomy.
3. I hate make-up and dress-up.
PS: I am a girl. A perfectly straight one too.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Get accepted into UWO.
2. Travel to North America.
3. Join a DnD group.

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I can procrastinate just a bit.
2. I'm a worry-wart.
3. My neck.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. I'm born in the UAE.
2. I'm an ethnic mutt. Mostly Bengali, part North Indian, part gypsy and even part Uzbek.
3. I have royal lineage thrown in somewhere too.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being alone.
2. Being alone.
3. Being alone.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My phone.
2. My wallet.
3. Deo.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes.
2. Height.
3. Build.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Say no to a dare, no matter how crazy.
2. Hate certain people, no matter how much they hurt me.
3. Stand hypocrisy.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Broadcast journalism.
2. Writing.
3. Teaching.

TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
1. I love you and miss you mommy.
2. P, I'm SO over you. Now pay up what you owe so I never have to see you again.
3. I love you sis, no matter how big a pain in the butt you are. You are awesome and deserve the best. No matter what people say.
4. Please take me in the program. You won't be sorry.
5. I need a raise.
6. You rock my world, Sam.
7. I miss you tonnes K. Get your booty back to Dubai.
9. We have much to discuss, Cammy.
10. I miss you loads Karen. I miss the fuzzies too. And I also have loads of goss to dish.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Be honest.
2. Don’t patronize me.
3. Take the lead, but consider my preferences too.
4. Respect people from all walks of life.
5. Agree to disagree without forcing your opinion on me.
6. Don't play games with me.
7. Having a cat does win brownie points.
8. PDAs without being ashamed.

SIX songs that really mean something to you:
1. Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
2. I gotta feeling - Black Eyed Peas
3. Somebody to love - Glee Cast
4. Defying Gravity - Glee Cast
5. Walking on sunshine/Halo mashup - Glee Cast
6. Time after time - Cyndi Lauper

FIVE things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Canada.
2. Studying in Canada.
3. My job.
4. Money.
5. Future.

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Surf the net.
2. Read.
3. Brush teeth.
4. Think.

THREE foods that mean something to me:
1. Shawarma.
2. Filafel.
3. Poutine.

TWO confessions:
1. I have been a very naughty girl.
2. Very naughty ;)

ONE thing you're thinking about right now:
1. An adorable and smoking hot.... ;)

If you're reading this, you're tagged. Don't want to do it? Meh.

Alive...

2009-11-30T07:59:00.000+04:00

For those who frequent this humble space on the interwebs, I'm currently on vacation. Hence the not-so-frequent posts that no longer indicate the lack of any sort of social life.

Things are good. I feel the years, the chains, the burden and stress melt away. I feel more like a young, hot, single woman my age and less like a burnt-out middle aged divorcee.

Firstly, I've managed to catch up with all my friends and family that matter and connect and reforge bonds again. I feel full of promise and potential. And most of all, I feel at home. No awkward silences or double-checking myself in an effort to give the right impression. People are just so nice and friendly. As a result, I feel more confident and self-assured. I no longer wait to be introduced - I walk right up and introduce myself to newcomers.

And guys certainly notice me, be it friendly or otherwise. And even the ones that seem to want to hit on me do it with style. No lecherous gazes, coupled with chop-licking in anticipation of fresh meat, followed by absolute cold shouldering if they don't get what they want.

I also got to check out the university I applied to. I stayed in touch with a professor who taught me broadcast journo in college and is now teaching at that campus. When I told him I'd be coming, he was so sweet to take care of me and take me on a campus tour. Even introduced me to current students in my program and meet faculty members. The place had awesome vibes and I truly hope I get accepted. Best of all, it is one of the top journo programs in Canada and North America.

I'm grinning right now because I feel like an absolute smitten love-struck teenager. I can't believe my luck. I know I'm not unfortunate looking, but being in Dubai has certainly made a few dents in my sexiness perception. Plus I seem to be attracting absolute freaks. For example, I went to an alternative lifestyle club the other day and managed to attract the lone creepy straight guy at the place. Iraqi to boot.

But I digress. I don't want to talk about it much for fear of jinxing things, but I've had the fortune of being in the company of a hottie who is also incredibly sweet. And the feeling is very much mutual. It's a shame he's here, while I must return to Dubai in a few days. *sigh*

I has arrived...

2009-11-24T21:30:00.000+04:00

So here I am in Ontario, enjoying the chill, fog and rain. My nose is running but I suppose that's the temperature change from a pleasant 25C in Dubai to a chilly 7C in Toronto.

The flight was long and definitely a loooong way from my business-class trip this summer. But going on an Emirates A380 economy seat is still better than the other jets they have. More leg room being one - I wasn't giving the passenger in-front of me a head massage every time they leaned back. Definitely more storage space for bags, although this black woman two seats ahead of me was being a douche and dumping her stuff in my allocated over-head locker. Luckily, I just had a handbag, jacket and my boots so I could afford to give her the space. But she just barged through, dumped her stuff and squashed my really nice jacket and boots. I was too tired to really argue so I threw her a dirty look and sat down. I slept quite soundly for the first half of the flight as I hadn't slept in over 30 hours. I caught up on some movies for the remainder and time flew. Although note to self: Never wear skin-tight leather boots while flying. My feet swell and even though they are normally quite comfy, the shoes become toe-crushers while flying.

I was quite nervous when I landed as I'd been through American customs and immigration and was expecting the same type of lengthy and grueling procedures. Although to be fair, I've never had any problems going through US border patrol each time I visit. But being my first time in Canada and going through many hoops getting a visit visa, I was a teensy-bit nervous. They were unfounded and it was a breeze. Extremely friendly immigration officers and staff who were very helpful.

I finally got my bags and met Sam. We caught up on so much as we traveled from bus to bus and I got to see quite a bit of the Ontario landscape, albeit at night. We've been friends for over 10 years and counting and it's so good to visit my school friends on their home turf. It makes me feel a little more grown-up, not to mention it feels good keeping in touch with folks I've grown up with. Probably another reason why I want to leave Dubai - all my friends and near and dear are in North America.

Anyhow, seeing how tired I was, we just landed up at home and chilled. Although we hardly got any sleep. It was so much fun catching up on the past few years that we probably didn't conk off until sunrise. I don't mind - I feel absolutely alive and charged up.

And I finally tried poutine! Not the most authentic one, but a pretty good version. Sam gave it an 8/10. The gravy makes all the difference. So does the cheddar cheese curds, or 'squeaky cheese'.

So now I'm off the shower, refresh and head to the nearby mall for some shopping and catching "New Moon". More later.

I gotta feeling...

2009-11-23T04:36:00.000+04:00

Wow! Things have been absolutely crazy the past weekend. Loads of shopping, picking what to take and also working until tonight - I'll be leaving in a few hours and decided it would be better staying awake, to fall asleep on the plane.

My bud Sam has a gigantic itinerary planned for us. It'll be like Vegas week - slightly tamer, not much gambling, but loads of fun. Just what I need to forget all the problems back here, from exs to blog trolls. I'll also be meeting loads of high school friends, as well as checking out the university I've applied to.

There have been a few bumps on the road which have infuriated me immensely, but I'm trying to not let them get to me. In the end, I'm going to go for my vacation and I'm going to forget everything and enjoy it. And come back happier and relaxed, ready to take the crap all over again.

The only crummy thing was not getting my salary on time before I left, so I had to use my card, which is teetering on maxing out. Not fun.

Another four hours and I'm off! Next post from the other side :)

Stuff

2009-11-21T02:04:00.001+04:00

So I've been off the radar for a while. I've had loads of crazy things going on in my life, all to be explained in a bit.

I finally bought a MacBook Pro. I thought I would go for the MacBook. But when I saw they removed the Firewire port from the new ones, plus heard about plastic casings being prone to overheating, I decided spending a bit more and getting a MB Pro would be a better deal in the long run. Although it is killing me in the short term. I may have just maxed my credit card with the purchase. I'm not too keen on getting next month's bill. Any sugar-daddies out there that want to foot the bill? *blink blink* lol

I've also had an adventure-and-a-half getting a Canadian visit visa to go see my friends in Ontario during the Eid/National Day break. I thought getting an American visit visa was difficult, although having a biological parent in the States does make things easier. I decided to courier my documents rather than going in person as I had no time. Big mistake. I got rejected and I was crushed. Really crushed. I had my reasons for going to Toronto for the holidays - not being in Dubai during his wedding was one of them. I've been doing fine so far as I've been so busy with the university applications, holiday and all. But if I couldn't go now, I knew I'd be absolutely miserable thinking about him and home alone during the holidays - mom would still be heading to Kenya.

I've learned to never under-estimate my mom. Even though my mom doesn't know exactly why I'm so unhappy, she knows that I'm miserable. She knew that I'd rather go to Canada then be in Kenya and sulk. I don't get along with my cousins and if I had a choice on where to be miserable, I'd rather be in Dubai. At least I can go out and meet people rather than be stuck at home in Mombasa. She could have just told me to go to Kenya with her since I didn't get the visa. But when she heard me sounding crushed over not getting the visa, she went into a 'How-DARE-they-deny-my-daughter-a-visa" mode. She's quite scary when she's like that.

She pushed me to try once more despite just a week left before I was set to go. I got my papers and required documents within two days and she took leave to accompany me to the Abu Dhabi embassy. She kept saying I should get it this time and motivating me, despite me feeling incredibly low about the whole affair. We left Dubai at 6am to reach the embassy at around 8.30am, when they open. I submitted my documents and they asked me to pay and return at 11.30am. They're situated next to a mall so we both hung around for about an hour before heading back. After a short interview, I got my visa done within a few minutes. I was so excited! I also started panicking as I had done no packing, no shopping - nothing.

I've mentioned that I've had problems sleeping and have been sleeping 2-3 hours a day at max. After the visa, the opposite happened - I'm now sleeping for 12+ hours and sleeping like the dead. I still feel sleepy and groggy though.

Just found my references are all done and my application is complete. Here's hoping for the best.

Getting out of the funk...

2009-11-13T05:24:00.001+04:00

I had a really nice evening tonight. Went for a tweetup and even met a blogger friend of mine who came over for the weekend.

Oh, and if you're in Dubai, do check out this amazing lil joint called Wild Peeta. It's an awesome place run by ~~two~~ three Emirati brothers and the food is delish! It was my first time going there, as well as my first tweetup. I'd heard a lot about the 'apple iced tea', which is actually delightfully fruity concoction of apple juice and orange juice with red tea and mint. It was a good as the raving reviews said it would be. Also tried a shawarma and found out that most of the items on the menu are healthy with minimal fat. But what I love most is the attentiveness of the staff and the owners who were on hand the entire evening. It felt like a mom and pop place, or like a cozy lil coffee shop that you'd want to hang out at everyday. Awesome auras and vibe. Also, they give a discount to people who are on Twitter and Facebook, which is a neat marketing strategy. There are few places that I visit as a regular, but I think I will be coming by again very soon.

I can feel a change come over me. I don't know why, but I guess I got sick of being sick all the time. And tired. Especially depressed. I do admit I still feel lonely, bent-out-of-shape and heart-broken, but the episodes are far shorter and less frequent. I haven't succumbed to booty-calls from exs or any guy who deigns to notice me.

A guy asked me for my number the other day. It was quite a shock for me. Here's why: I was looking my worst. I know I can clean up quite nicely and I'm not unfortunate looking, but to get picked up by an absolute hottie when I look like I might hurl or crawl into some cave to die - that's quite a surprise.

Ok, I'll back up a little. It was a usual night shift workday. I've started having insomnia again and balloon feet. I manage to drag my ass to work despite feeling shitty. A pair of loose jeans and a hoodie. Slightly greasy, yet frizzy hair haphazardly knotted into a rubber-band that has long lost its elasticity. My brows want to mate again. A few pimples on a face shiny enough to cook a poor nation a royal buffet. Mismatched shoes that show ogre toe-nails in addition to balloon feet. I finish work and head to BK at a nearby petrol station to pick up dinner on my way home. I can't find the server so I wait.

In comes three guys who see me waiting. One guy, the hottest of the bunch, looks at me and smiles. I smile back. The server appears and attends to him first. He says I was waiting first and directs her to me. I place my order and shuffle to the side to wait and let them order. As I hadn't slept and my stomach was feeling funny (due to not eating), I lean over the counter and slouch.

I hear him say "you look tired". I turn around and smile, saying that the night shift can do that. We start talking and he asks if I would join him for dinner. I said no as I had a long day and long drive ahead of me and I wasn't feeling well. That and the fact that I had Gossip Girl waiting for me at home, but I didn't tell him that. He looked bummed and asked if we could do it again. I say yes and we keep chatting while waiting. My food arrived and I said that I had to go. He asked again if we could do this some other time and I said sure. As I leave, he asked for my number. I gave it to him and he called my cell so that I'd have his. He even made sure I found my phone to see if it rang. Shook hands and I left.

I was taken aback. I've had creepy people hitting on me, but not hotties. And definitely not in my current state. He seemed ok, not creepy or anything. And definitely eye candy, with a nice body. I first thought he was Lebanese because of how he looked, his accent and clothes, but turns out he was Tunisian. His English was good - American-sounding with a slight Arabic accent, part of the reason I though he was Leb. So why would he talk to a scruffy gal who just wanted some midnight munchies at a petrol station burger joint? Not just that, but ask for my number too?

Anyhow, he hasn't called after that, and I'm ok with it. I'm not going to call him either. Hey - he asked for my number, not me. If I could choose TV over a hunky, ab-licking hottie, then I'm clearly not that desperate yet. If I never hear from him again, it's all good. But I do thank him for making me smile that day, as well as giving me a nice moment to recall when I really feel like shit and I crave attention. Thank you, whoever you are.

To be honest, I feel like I'm living some bizarre toothpaste or deo ad. A lot of good-looking or decent guys with no immediate creepy vibe smile, say hi or talk to me. And I look like a bum most days, so it's not like I had a haircut or lost weight or started dressing or something. I wonder how it would be if I actually bothered looking nice....hmmm.

Battle of the laps...

2009-11-10T20:50:00.001+04:00

I've decided to purchase a laptop for myself. If I'm heading to college, I'll need something heavyduty, but that doesn't feel like deadweight after hours of lugging around. Something that doesn't break down and requires neurosurgery to fix. It should also be slightly future-proof, atleast for two years or so. Design matters too. Even if I don't get accepted, I've been wanting to get one for travel.

After hours of research, I've whittled down my choices to two: MacBook or Lenovo Ideapad.

MacBook

Pros:
- At 13", it will be small enough, but not toy-like.
- I have the choice to run both Mac OS and Windows 7 through Boot Camp and Parallel. That is important as there are Windows apps that I can't avoid.
- Has a firewire port, as well as ample USB ports and Ethernet.
- Built-in bluetooth and Wireless
- Has a built-in disc drive for a netbook-size
- Reasonably priced for a Mac - $999-1300(AED3600-4600)

Cons:
- It's white. And just a bit ugly.
- I'm not a fan of the trackpad, but a mouse should cure that.
- Does not have a SSD like the MB Pro. Probably why there's a huge price difference ($999 vs $1499+).

Lenovo IdeaPad series

Pros:
- Nice design and variety of screen sizes - also available in RED :)
- Slimmer than MacBook
- Windows 7 compatible
- Most models are available with SSD with no big hike in price.
- More customisation and upgrade options
- Fingerprint and face recognition security. It's not essential, but I thought it was cool
- Cheaper than a Mac. Starting price: $500(AED2500+)

Cons:
- Not as stable as a Mac
- No option to use Mac OS
- No firewire ports
- May not be stable enough for video/audio editing
- Horrible product website. I know this isn't related to the machine, but if I can't get the proper specs for the machines, how can I make an informed choice?

I'm currently leaning towards a MacBook, but still considering a Lenovo simply for budgetary reasons, although I suspect the Mac will be a cheaper investment in the long run.

Do share your thoughts.

Limbo

2009-11-09T05:28:00.001+04:00

I think I'm recovering a little. Or maybe I got tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. The real test is yet to come. But for now, I think I'm getting better.

I've started walking with my mum. The plan was to go daily, but it looks like it might be an every-other-day deal. I guess I'm not the only one who feels a bit lazy getting up at the crack of dawn. Although in my case, that's more like my bedtime.

I've started getting in touch with more friends and trying to make new ones. There's a tweetup happening this weekend and I'm making myself go. There's also an after-tweetup karaoke plan and I'm planning on going for that too. In addition, there may be a blogger friend flying down to Dubai who I might catch up with, so this weekend should be pretty busy.

I've got about two weeks till my mini-break comes up and I'm desperately hoping I get the needed visa and my passport on time. I hope I get to go - I think it will really take my mind off things and give me something tangible to work for.

I know everything can be achieved through willpower, but I have a feeling December will be a grueling month emotionally. The most I can do for myself is soften the blow by keeping busy and trying to live my life, hoping it'll blow over.

Unfortunately, there is one financial loose-end left. Although it would be good to tie that up asap, it is not in my best interests to do so now. I'm not strong enough to face him yet. Plus, I know what his answer will be. With the wedding prep and being responsible for the entire rent since his sisters moved out, he won't be in a position to repay. And I will crumble if I contact him. It will be much easier asking him to pay up when I know how things stand regarding my admission. I will have a deadline and I can focus. No matter how messy it will get, I know I can physically leave all of that by a certain date.

In a way, the waiting leaves me up in the air in limbo. So many decisions to make, but they all depend on whether I get in or not. *sigh*

Here's hoping for the best.

EDIT:Came across this song, thought I'd post it:

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's clear, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart

Pennies...

2009-11-05T20:15:00.000+04:00

There are so many things that I'm becoming aware of.

Like how I'm aging years with every day. Even though I'm 25, I feel like I'm 40 and over. Except I'm middle-aged and alone. No friends, no family, nothing to speak for my life beyond a string of failed relationships that chip me away little by little. Almost all my peers are engaged, married, or having a second kid while posting pictures of their adorable little tykes. Although FB can be a great way to stay in touch, it sometimes just keeps reminding me how sad my life is turning. Not that I wish any of them ill - I'm happy for them. I also feel just a little desperate at how life is turning out for me. It hasn't gone at all like I planned.

I don't want to be alone. I don't mean I can't live without a guy. I mean I don't want to die where no-one will attend my funeral. At the same time, I wish I were dead. Contradicting, isn't it?

I always feel like people put up with me because they have to. If they had a choice, they would be elsewhere with other people. I'm good so long as they need something from me and can't find it anywhere else, which is why they put up with me in the first place. Yes, I know this stems from abandonment issues.

I know this makes me a penny-pincher. I account for everything because I'm sick of people telling me I'm ungrateful or how big a burden I am to them. I only go anywhere unless someone invites me. I try to clear financial things and borrowed items immediately. I only borrow something when I know I can return it soon, be it objects or money. I cringe when I want to collect something back because I hate to nag. I hate asking people to return things back. I hate it because it makes me sound ungenerous like a penny-pincher. When I want to be a generous person. Where I can spoil the people I love and not bat an eyelid.

I hate it when things don't get returned and it makes me reluctant to lend anything because I know I may never see it again. I like whatever possessions I've got. Hence why I have them. And I absolutely hate asking people to give it back, especially if I have to do it more than once.

I'm turning into Scrooge and I hate it. Yet I'm sick of being taken advantage of. I hate having to keep tabs on everything. Yet I have to because it sucks when things go missing.

Mommy Cool....

2009-11-02T19:07:00.001+04:00

My mom is a cool person. Really.

I've been discovering things about her that I'd never imagine possible. My mom has always been a bit conservative, idealistic and well - naive. I'd like to imagine her as the 50's perfect housewife, where everything was strictly PG or younger. She was also a bit of a pushover where my dad was concerned, perhaps even with us kids.

I do know she can be a force to reckon with under all that - you do not want to mess with my mom. I may have been witness to seeing grown men cry in her presence.

Despite all that, I've been very reluctant to tell her what's been happening in my life. She doesn't know half of the stuff I've said on this blog. I suppose it's my own way of protecting her from what's happened and happening to me, or because I'm scared to disappoint her. Either way, I've been scared to tell her many, many things.

Recently, a very close friend of mine outted himself to his folks. I think he expected that at the worst, they wouldn't be pleased, perhaps even disappointed and hurt. What he never expected was extreme anger. Angry enough to out him out of his job. So out of the country he goes. It hurt and shocked me. It also made me think twice about telling my mom anything.

My mom knew what happened to my friend as he was a frequent visitor and chum. She was very sad about the whole mess and said that if he needed anything, she'd do whatever she can to help. That was awesome of her, but I was still hesitant. It's one thing to be accepting of others, but it's a different case when it's your own kid. I asked her if she would do the same thing to me (I'm straight, BTW). Whether she would kick me out of the house, report me and try kicking me out of the country.

She surprised me by saying that as long as I'm a good human being, she doesn't care who I like. She even said that she's met so many people like that and they're much nicer folks than normal, straight people. She even knew my friend was one before I told her. No wonder she never minded him staying over or coming around when I was home alone.

Another little gem that took me by surprise was when we were discussing housing options in Canada. I told her off-campus housing would be cheaper and with far more options than staying on-campus. I'd have my own room and share bathroom, kitchen and hall space. My mom said she'd prefer I room up with a girl than a guy because I'd end up cleaning up after him or *she snorts* he'd be cleaning up after me if he was a neat-freak.

My mom was concerned about a male roomie not because we might do things, but about cleaning arrangments.

I love her.

Weekend Update

2009-10-31T15:32:00.000+04:00

I'm not out of the woods yet with my grad application. From what I've been told, the deadline for receiving the electronic reference letters is Nov 1st, which is - tomorrow. But then again, they realize their online system hasn't been exactly perfect, so they've extended the deadline for the reference letters provided there are spaces available. The last five words scare me.

One bad thing about takeovers is when things like HR and pay haven't been clearly divided. Which leaves the employees that are handed over a bit homeless and pay-less. Yep, still haven't been paid yet. We generally receive our salaries between 25-27th. It's Halloween (31st) and my bank balance is barely there, threatening to go in the red (and then get charged for lack of funds) once it turns the 1st and things get debited. I addition, we got paid in the middle of last month thanks to Eid. So it's been 40 days and over since I've last been paid.

On the other hand, I had a lovely Friday with mom and sis. I wasn't feeling well early in the day, so I had to skip going for the Walkathon (I feel extremely ashamed) and also the house-warming lunch at a family friend's. But we all met up for a movie at Ibn Batutta called "All The Best". Not the kind of movie I want to watch, but mom said she wanted to watch a mindless movie and laugh. Well, she was right about it - it was mindless, and we did laugh throughout.

I found out that my mom can be quite the comic too. My sis told me a little gem mom threw while they were driving home:
On the topic of Aishwarya Rai (her pet peeve): She should be sat down and slapped *smack* *smack* *smack* *smack* until the sound rings in her ears. And then smack her some more *smack* *smack* *smack* *smack*.

It did sound better in Urdu. And the hand gestures that followed. My sister and I were rolling on the floor laughing.

Torn

2009-10-29T03:52:00.001+04:00

Just when you think you're recovering- BAM! You get hit by something insignificant, but still managing to take your breath away.

I realized part of my coping mechanism was to avoid any reminders of him at any cost. I stopped listening to any desi music, desi films - everything remotely desi. I've turned into a carnivore for the most part, although even eating meat reminds me of him. So I've been on a chocolate binge instead. I've focused on applying to colleges in Canada and buried myself in my books and TV series. Wherever I can, I'm trying to disassociate things from him. Wherever it gets too painful, I avoid. I've spent the last few weeks walking a very thin line between being numb and falling into a blackhole of despair, hysteria and nausea. Doesn't give me much room to do anything.

When I thought things were getting better and that perhaps I can start enjoying things a little without wincing every time I think about him, I got an email. Another forward. I didn't even open it. I deleted it. But seeing his name brought back an uncomfortable feeling of breathlessness and nausea. Then out of nowhere, a little pop-up appears with his name and a message saying 'hi'.

Damn gmail chat.

I had two strong emotions running through me at that point. One was an extremely angry "after-weeks-of-silence-all-I-get-is-a-friggin'-hi?!". The other was the same rush of breathlessness and nausea I felt when I saw his forward, just stronger. I felt like someone kicked me in the 'nads (if I had them), carved a giant hole in my midsection with a plastic knife and I could feel the acidic taste of my stomach contents creeping up my throat.

I waited to see if he would write anything else. Nothing. Waiting for me to say something. That made me more nauseous and angry. After such a long gap all I get is a fucking hi?!?! I just closed the damn pop-up and blocked him. If he wants to contact me, at least have the balls to call. Something. Anything but stupid forwards and a pathetic 'hi'.

It's funny how just a 'hi' can burst open old wounds and make me feel all raw and torn again. To be honest, I don't know what I want from him. I don't want him back. I guess I wished he'd at least say sorry. Or something. Something other than 'I understand'. Or silence. Or 'hi'.

Sweet and sobering thoughts

2009-10-27T20:35:00.000+04:00

I know I should be saving, more so now that I finally sent my application in. But I couldn't help myself. Especially since the best chocolate shop opened very close to my office.

I've had a soft spot for Galler ever since I tried their dark hot chocolate at Marina Mall in Abu Dhabi. So when I found out that they opened a full-fledged coffe shop in Virgin at MoE, I went straight in and ordered one. For the past three days. Any longer and the staff will know me by name.

But the reason why I enjoy going there so much is not only because the stuff is so good. The service is impeccable. No matter how scruffy or crappy I may be, I'm always treated like a VIP. It has become my little candy-shop haven. Seriously. It's a bit on the pricey end, but the quality and service is worth it. And as a high-end chocolate shop, it's surprisingly affordable as a an occassional indulgence or gift idea.

I can imagine my perfect day already: sitting with a a good book and spending the day with good pastry and awesome hot chocolate in a cozy corner at Galler's.

And no, they haven't paid me to endorse.

On the other hand, I'm a little worried about a very close friend of mine and neighbour. I can't talk about it much for fear of whiplash for him, but what's happening to him makes me realise how restricted things are in this town. Very sobering thought really. Especially as it was his folks who pretty much threw him under a bus, figuratively speaking. You just don't know who to trust anymore. Those interested can DM me or hit me up on FB, but I can't say anything here. I really hope things work out for him. I'm going to miss having him around. I wish I could do more for him, but prayers are all that are left at this point.

Relief!

2009-10-25T04:30:00.000+04:00

I am on an accomplishment-high today.

First up, I got my TOEFL results (finally). I was dreading to get my results as I had screwed up royally in the speaking section. I stuttered and stammered through most of it. Surprisingly, I did quite well. Well enough to fly over the minimum score required for the universities I'm applying to, especially those in the journo program. That motivated me to finish the admissions essay I'd let fester due to severe anxiety and a bad case of writer's block.

A friend helped in cleaning up the initial suckiness of my essay. I hate writing them. Luckily, I only had to write two in my entire life and they both thankfully got me places. So I finished it up and sent it today, along with the rest of my application. So yeay! I've finally completed an entire application and sent it. It took me oh, three-four odd years to finally do that. No more indecision, waiting for someone, or even staying for someone. No more worrying about whether I can afford it. Ok, so I am worrying about finances, but I'm not letting it stop me from applying. I'll figure it out when time comes.

I feel relieved to have finally completed that. Now comes the new anxiety, worrying and waiting that I have everything they need and get accepted. I do hope I do. I'm going to cross every appendage available on my body for luck now. Please let me get in.

On the other hand, I can go out for the weekend without guilt about incomplete forms and applications. I had placed myself under house arrest, thinking I'd finish it, but ending up doing everything than writing.

I've been asked out a few times by a guy at work but I've been blowing him off. One was guilt for having incomplete applications at home. Other was because it's too soon and I am in no mood to even be friendly with a guy. I don't want to play those games again. Plus, this may sound racist, but I'm swearing off desi guys for a while. I've had my heart broken too many times by them. I think I may be swearing off men too - even random hook-up types. I don't want any more distractions.

Just want to keep my eye on the prize. Getting out of here and studying again in Canada - hopefully.

Dark Thoughts...

2009-10-22T03:23:00.000+04:00

I am scared of the thoughts that are running through my mind. Because they aren't very nice ones.

I feel angry right now. Angry enough to bring justice to the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". I feel betrayed and humiliated. Worse, a part of me feels it's not right that he should get away scot-free. He needs to be punished. I want him to feel the pain I'm feeling.

It would be so easy to send his blushing bride an email telling her exactly what her darling fiance has been up to the past few months. To be sadistic, give every last gory detail. Give her SMSs. He never did tell her about me. As in, she doesn't even know I exist as a friend. It would be so easy to correct her misconceptions.

But it's taking almost all my self-control. I don't want to send it because for all I know it will backfire. I don't even want him back. I don't know. Maybe I just want some sort of reaction, and perhaps this would really get his attention. And a part of me still loves him regardless of how much I want to claw his eyes out. A part of me wants his happiness, even though all I want to do is make him feel as hole-ridden with pain as I do.

Ever felt so angry and hurt that you could just cry with frustration? Well, that's just about how I feel. And this song is quite appropriate:

Every single word.

Never again.

Moving on?

2009-10-20T21:47:00.000+04:00

The hardest part about moving on and picking up the pieces is trying to disassociate yourself from things. What I mean is trying not to associate P with the daily going-ons. Because I am right now not in a position to reminisce and look back in nostalgia. Rather, I feel like somebody carved a gigantic hole in my midsection everytime I think of him. So to get jolts of that feeling every few seconds of the day gets a little irritating after a while. So is the urge to puke, and I rather prefer having the contents of my stomach inside please.

Slowly disassociating myself from him is even harder because there were many, many things in these three years that I shared with him. If this is what a divorce is like, even a fraction of, then I don't want to get married. I'm finding it hard to find any one thing that is devoid of him or his memories. And so far I've come up to a blank. Even my own goals are tainted with him somehow. How we planned on starting a media company in Canada. How I'd study there and he'd immigrate. Even work is no longer my sanctuary. The numerous times he picked me up from there, or how we'd talk about stuff like that.

Food - how I'd adapt everything to a vegetarian equivalent in my head. Music - gosh, even the stuff he hates makes me think of him and cry. Movies, sports, hobbies - every single thing is a glaring reminder of what was there.

He had a big LOTR fixation. So I had planned a nice surprise for him - I got him this cool LOTR ring with a light-up holder, and thought it would be cool dressing up as Arwen and wear the Evenstar and going on a weekend getaway . Now they just sit there in my room, like a glaring accusation. It's like receiving the wedding dress the day it got cancelled. To top it off, his FB profile pic is of Arwen and Arragorn. *sob*

A part of me can't wait to go to Canada because that will be one place where there will be nothing, or relatively few things, to remember him by. I know one day I won't be so plagued and haunted by this, but till then I don't know why I bother waking up.

In a completely unrelated note, I must stop procrastinating and finish writing my admissions essay. Which is getting harder to do because I'm pressured for time and I'm having a severe case of writer's block.

Today...

2009-10-16T03:00:00.000+04:00

Tonight was a fairly pleasant affair. My mom's birthday falls on the 18th, but since I do the night shift and it's a weeknight, we decided to take her out for a birthday dinner tonight.

Sis and I planned it out: my sis thought of the wonderful venue, Thai Chi, and arranged for the cake - Cold Stone style. My mom loves Thai food and my sister didn't disappoint on choice of venue. It was amazing. It was on the pricey end, but worth the treat.

We didn't tell our mom where we were taking her for a variety of reasons. One is to surprise her. The main reason was because our mom in the past has been rather reluctant to go out anywhere. So we told her its her birthday treat and kidnapped her.

It was a really nice time out. No awkwardness. Oh, I also got my mom a really cool gift from Swarovski:

I don't know why, but there's this part of me that really wants to spoil my mom. I suppose to make up for being such a brat to her. And because I love her a lot, even if I never show or say it sometimes. I guess she's one person I can trust, and she surprises me everyday with some things I thought I couldn't trust her with.

Although there's still many things I can't tell her. Whether it is to protect her, or myself, I don't know. I just - I'd rather jump through flaming hoops of fire, or pluck every single hair off my body with tweezers, than disappoint her in any way. I want her to be proud of me so bad. That's probably why I prefer keeping whatever crap is happening in my life to myself and not worry her. I want to appear strong and confident, even though I'm dying inside and I'd prefer nothing more than to curl up in a corner and rot. Plus, I don't think she'd take the whole 'I've been having an intimate relationship with a non-Muslim man for three years while I was also dating other people and now he's decided to marry someone else and break my heart into pieces' very well. Especially the 'non-Muslim' bit. And the 'intimate relationship' bit. And the 'dating' bit. Ok, everything.

The next few months are not going to be easy. Especially when the deed is done - see? I can't even say the W-word. And then FB and pictures. Daily reminders being thrown up in my face that him and his siblings exist. And I don't want to complicate things by unfriending any of them - no-one on his family knew what was going on, and if I make a knee-jerk reaction, the truth will come out. And then they will all know me as the dirty lil home-wrecking mistress. I don't expect them to side with me - he's their brother after all. So I guess I'll just have to suck it up and grin and bear it. I'm not trying to masochistic and find ways to have all this shoved in my face and remind me - I'm keeping my distance. But I guess I'm waiting for the final blow.

I suppose things would be much easier if he just tried once to contact me and apologize. But I'm not waiting for it. For all I know, he either doesn't care, or perhaps angry I'm even reacting to this. I don't know. But he just hasn't contacted me at all. And I'm not going to contact him either. I'll just have to let time do its work, even if it's extremely slow.

This has hurt me more than I realized. My libido has plummeted, which means this was a really horrible breakup. If I could call it a breakup. Really. No matter how bad the breakup was, I was always willing to any cute guy who paid me some attention. Now I run away from anybody being nice to me. I don't want to be touched at all. If I thought I was turning into a hermit, I definitely am now. I don't want to do anything but read books, watch movies or some activity where I don't have to socialize. The only thing keeping me from collapsing entirely is finishing my admissions package for Canada.

It's getting better with each day though. I don't think of him so much, and I don't get the urge to be sick every time I think about him and her. Ok, maybe the urge is not as strong as before. I also know that while I seem to get better, it might possibly get worse as I approach November and December, the time he will be getting married and bringing her back here. I'm bracing myself for when the moment comes.

I don't like feeling this way: like the person who was wronged and betrayed horribly, but had no right to feel bad about it. Like a jilted bride who is actually the mistress. This conflict - I don't know when I'll stop feeling this way.

I'm so sick of people saying "You knew this might happen" or "You knew it was a gamble and that he would be marrying someone else" I get it. I know. If...if I had never told him and never opened that can of worms, perhaps this entire thing would be easier to handle. But things didn't happen that way. But he was on the verge of ending it entirely and he said he loved me too. And that he was going to go there to end things. Not necessarily because of me, but the point was that he wasn't going to marry her. Instead, he went back to her. And now I'm here where I am. Alone. And trying to make sense of it all.

The First Kiss...

2009-10-14T03:37:00.001+04:00

I read an awesome post on blog I frequent, I open up. And then read a post on the same topic on Big Fat Ego's blog. So I thought I'd give it a whirl, in MJ fashion. Enjoy.

She looked up, smiling ruefully at her luck. If she ever believed in a god of any kind, she would have been shaking her fists towards the heavens as well. No, she didn't believe in anything. She didn't want to open herself to anyone anymore. Not after what happened.

She shut her eyes and went back to a time not long ago, when everything felt so right. They were at the bus stop, waiting for the shuttle to arrive. She prayed it would be late, just so that she could have a few more moments with him. He looked so grown up, yet so much like the brat she loved to punch.

"You almost look decent in uniform" she said, ruffling her hands through his hair. As she tried to mess it up like she always did, she realized he didn't have the same amount of hair anymore. He understood what she wanted to do and laughed. He then grabbed her in a head-lock and proceeded to grind his knuckle in her perfectly blow-dryed hair, while she screamed in mock protest and tried to wiggle out of his death grip.

After a few moments of silliness, they stopped to catch their breath. He turned to her and said: "I want to ask you something because I may not get the nerve to say it again."

She chuckled as he paused and took a sip of her drink. "Were you going to say you love me and want to marry me and have all my pretty little babies? Because you know how cute my babies will be...right?"

He turned a deep shade of red.

She choked on her water, sputtering water all over him. "Oh my god!" she gasped, "Please tell me that I was wrong!"

He kept quiet. "What if you weren't? Would that be so wrong?"

She looked at him again and thought to herself. Yes, would that be so wrong? She knew she loved him as a friend. Could she possibly love him that way too?

Her train of thought was cut short by the shuttle's arrival. He turned to her and said, "You don't have to decide now. I'll be gone for a month. You can give me your answer then." He grabbed her in a big bear hug. As they embraced, he pecked her on the cheek, whispering "If you feel the same way, don't kiss me like a brother next time." He broke away from her and hopped on the bus.

As she watched him leave, she already knew how she would greet him next time.

A man coughed.

She snapped back to the present. He lay there before her, looking angelic. She could swear he was snoring, as if in deep slumber. He would wake up any minute now, yelling "Surprise!". And she would punch him for pulling such a horrible, tasteless prank.

She waited. She knew the people standing around her thought she was crazy, but she knew better. This was all a stupid prank. He can't pretend to hold his breath for more than a few minutes. He'd get tired and scratch his ear or twitch his nose. And she'd tackle him.

The man coughed again. She could sense him shifting impatiently, waiting for her to do something. She didn't want to move. She knew if she made any move or sound, she would lose him forever. She would truly face reality and realize that she was all alone.

This was not how she imagined their first time would be. She took a deep breath and said "I'm ready". She told herself she wouldn't cry, at least not here. She moved closer to him, caressing his cheek. It felt so cold.

Trying desperately to hold back the tears she sensed would break any minute, she leaned forward and took in ever detail of his beautiful face, wishing she hadn't been so camera-phobic. She would do anything to have a picture of him. With him.

She covered the final distance and pressed her lips against his soft, yet cold lips. Her first...and last kiss.

Somebody to love...

2009-10-13T02:16:00.002+04:00

This song is my new fave. It describes how I feel, yet....there is hope. Like all is not lost:

(I know Queen sang the original, but I prefer this cover)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?

Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah

Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

To all the men (and women) out there...

2009-10-12T09:24:00.000+04:00

...I'm done with trying to make myself perfect but still missing the mark somehow. I've realized partly why I've turned so anti-social over the years. I hate cameras, I hate taking photos, I just don't want to deal with people at all, if I can help it. Because I cannot trust them one bit.

Why? Because I seem to be dead wrong about people that matter the most. I've been proven wrong so many times that I now question myself at every turn. Will this person not betray me for once? Can I trust my heart with that one? Does the sun rise West?

So this is who I really am.

I am fat. And will keep getting fatter as fashion keeps downsizing to satisfy the vanity of toothpicks. But otherwise, I could lose a few kilos here and there as being on the edge normal-store sizing and plus-size stores gives me little choice in wardrobe. But I won't lose it any faster if y'all keep harassing me about it. When I'm stressed, food becomes my dirty lil' mistress. I sneak food when people don't look because despite it being bad for me, it makes me feel soooooo good. And she's my dirty lil mistress because I hate people making comments when I sit down with her. So I sneak her in my room at night when no-one is watching, or pop down somewhere during lunch-hour for a 'quickie', hoping we won't be caught together. I prefer eating alone, even in front of my folks. It's become a disorder almost.

I like being comfortable. Due to work, I wear comfortable clothes that are probably not fashion forward. They're not hobo or shabby, but they are loose and almost sweatsuit-esque. I also don't like wearing make-up at all. Jeans are my uniform - almost. So are fitted hoodies. And ballet flats. I may occasionally wear something different - when the aforementioned staples are in the wash. That doesn't mean I can't dress up nice. I just choose not to. If you ever see me wearing something nice, it means one of the following:
1) I have a job interview.
2) It is some cultural holiday.
3) I'm in a good mood. In that case, be honored.
4) If it accompanies blow-dried hair, make-up and stockings, I have a date/getting laid.
5) If the above also include garters, I mean business (think Shakira's she-wolf).

I like talking in English. It is my first language, despite my skin color or passport indicating otherwise. I do know enough of Hindi/Urdu to know when you're talking behind my back, and recently picked up enough Punjabi for the same purpose, thanks to the jerks at work. That does not make me a snob or a traitor to my 'race', culture or heritage. I at least don't sound as fobbish when you talk. Yes you - the same people who label me 'gora' or 'oreo'.

I like to smoke and drink. I am not a lush or chain smoker, although recent experiences and events in my life make understand why people would succumb to such temptations. I smoke when I'm stressed, and stop when I'm happier. I drink socially, sometimes every weekend, sometimes once in a blue moon. This is who I am now. I may change, but I certainly won't change because you expect me to turn 'virginal' the minute you want to be serious.

Which brings me to my next point. I like sex. Love it infact. But I'm not some creepy perv. I know when it is appropriate to talk about it, and when it is not. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. I have nothing to hide, but I'm not going to go shouting about it from the rooftops. But if I say no, I mean no. I'm not going to be coy with you just because that is what 'respectable women who want to be married' do. If I want you, I want you. And I don't want to play your stupid game. If you want to marry a virginal blushing bride, leave me alone.

I come from a broken home. A rather dysfunctional one. I have daddy issues. I have a lot of emotional baggage that I want to leave behind, but more keeps getting piled on. I don't do well in family functions. There are very few people in my family that I like. The ones I do like, I love with all my heart and would do anything for them. But no matter how much I may bitch about them, I will twist whatever genitals you possess if you say do the same. However, I will meet the important people in your life and be nice. I play nice with most people until they push me too far. And even then, I smile sweetly. That should send alarms in their head.

I want to go to Canada. At the very least, North America. No compromises. Another no compromise is my higher education. Even if I have to turn 90 to get my Master's degree, I will. I want to be smarter than you, if not already - deal with it. I'm not going to act dumb just to stroke your ego, although I will try to be patient if you're slow on the uptake.

I am not the least bit religious. A little sketchy even in the spiritual department. That may change, but that is my call. I'm not going to cover myself from head to toe just because your parents see a nanometer of skin and get turned on. Ditto with overnight conversion to any faith, including actually following the one I'm born with. I believe in coexisting, tolerance and peace. I'm apparently going to burn in Hell anyway, so why bother with damage control?

I am extremely moody. It varies from being high as a kite, singing Disney songs, to being extremely emo and depressing. I am morbid for the most part. I think about death all the time. Especially my own. I can't wait.

I have extremely varied tastes in just about anything. I will not be a hard-core anything because I like a little bit of everything. I try not to look down on anything - except perhaps cockroaches and similar bugs.

So this is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Because I'm too tired to be anyone or anything else.

Halo/Walking on sunshine

2009-10-10T00:51:00.000+04:00

I don't know why, but this song made me smile - and it's stuck in my head. It's an infectiously happy song. I love Glee:

Awake...

2009-10-09T06:39:00.000+04:00

I'm having trouble sleeping again. Probably because I feel very stressed. And the nightmares have started too.

I'm tired of not being enough - enough for people to love me back. I'm tired of the line 'just not in to you'. I'm not just talking about men. Even friends and family. I'm tired. The only person I think I can truly trust in this entire world is my mother. That scares me. And makes me feel so utterly alone in this world.

I don't have anything new to describe the agony and sorrow I feel right about now. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel, nor do I wish anyone to feel the pain I'm going through. I don't even wish a fraction of it. I can't even hate him, or feel any sense of hatred. Only sadness. I do feel angry sometimes. But never hate.

The hardest part is going to bed. Anytime I couldn't sleep, had nightmares or had the creepy stalker spirit visit me (more on that later), he was always there to talk me through it. Now I have no-one. And I don't want to share my bed with anyone at all, not even my family. I feel suffocated if I have to share it with anyone, be it person or spirit. The best way that I'd fall asleep was set my pillows up in such a way that it felt like I was snuggling next to him on his side, with my head nestled above his armpit-shoulder area. I've had the best sleep. Now I can't anymore. I lost my comforter.

I'm currently listening to this song (the lyrics in bold are the ones that hit me the most):

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
Its like you're the swing set
And I'm the kid that falls

It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night the passion's there
So its got to be right....right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
It looks like you've given up
You've had enough
But I want more
No I won't stop
Because I just know
You'll come around...right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I wont remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to not love me at all

Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Because I, because I still don't mind at all

Its like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night the passion's there
So its got to be right...right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I wont remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to not love me at all
...I don't believe you

Another song I'm currently listening to: click here

Old flames...

2009-10-08T06:27:00.002+04:00

Ever wondered what happened to exs?

Apparently, one of mine did:

Message posted on my public windows live profile:
"you wanna know what woulda been BAD FUCKIN ASS??......if we actually grew some balls and did IT at your apartment twelve years ago.....that woulda been BAD FUCKIN ASS!"

Followed by another one:
"mmmm...jus bein nostalgic...and drunk at the moment... "

I wonder what I ever saw in him. Oh right - I was 16, he was tall, dark and handsome and the first guy I ever dated. Who then dumped me over email three weeks later. I wasn't even in town to reply back - I was in a safari. Being 16 and hormonally charged, I spent the remainder of my safari hoping lions would eat me. And another three years trying to get over him.

Some things never change.

*sigh*

Cute ad: Emirates Airlines

2009-10-07T10:00:00.000+04:00

Thought this would bring a smile to your face. It sure did to mine:

See the previous cute ad.

Yes, I do have a weakness for cute animals in ads. That and food porn.

Sucks to be me...

2009-10-06T19:13:00.001+04:00

Things have been ka-rayyy-zaaayyyy at work lately. I am still very much depressed, but too busy to curl up in a corner and rot to death.

For one thing, I have my TOEFL coming up this Saturday. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal as my English is quite good and I should ace it. But I feel like a jittery mess of nerves and it feels like a life and death situation for me. If I don’t do well, I’m finished. I’m stuck in this God-forsaken place where people are just waiting to kick me out. I feel paranoid and overwhelmed. Trapped too. I feel like everybody is out to get me, or waiting for me to fail.

Also found out the university program I want to go to has closed their online application – despite the deadline being in November. There is also no paper form to fill to be able to send all my paperwork for admission. The programme has an annual intake – if I don’t get in now, I’ll have to wait till May 2011. Another year and half of my life gone waiting. I’m already 25. By the time I even get there, let alone get my diploma, I’ll be close to 30. With just a Master’s degree. And still having no clue of what I want to do. And no hubby and kids either. No social life, no love life, no life at all. It depresses me.

I’m sick of people telling me it could be worse and that I’m still young. Because I don’t feel it. There were things I wanted in life, and I’m nowhere close to getting to it. Plans have changed and modified as time passes, but I’m not even a tenth of where I said I’d be.

I wanted to earn at least a 5-figure monthly salary by now – Nope, not even close.

I wanted to be in a long-term relationship that would later become legal – nope, not there either.

I wanted to try for a kid, or be in process of adopting one – nada, ain’t happening.

I wanted to be in a graduate programme or already graduated – nope, not yet applied. And it looks like I’ll be waiting for a few more years.

I feel just plain sucky. And also like Swiss cheese – there are so many gaping holes that I can’t possibly hope to fill ever, let alone anytime soon. He still hasn’t called, nor messaged me online, despite seeing him there all the time. I’m not going to call him – he hurt me. I just wished he’d call just so that I can give him a piece of my mind. And to show that he at least cares for his so-called ‘friend’. So that’s it then? Three years all gone down the drain?

And I wish the nightmares could stop. I wake up feeling nauseated and barely manage to stop myself from puking. Even thinking about it makes me nauseous. I dream of him getting ‘jiggy with it’ with her, and her having his kids. It makes me sick. Truly.

I think I’m done ranting. I feel like the infectious disease, except I’m just depressed. I don’t feel happy and I’m not sure when I will be. People at first are nice, and then get sick of me because my depression depresses them too. The one person that had stood by me is now getting friggin’ married to a shrew. I now can understand why people may want to get addicted to drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately, I can only turn into a chain smoker and still be able to function on the job.

Life truly sucks for me.

Oh, and I got permission to get leave during the Eid/National day holidays. I wanted to get out of town for a while, because I know he’ll be getting married then. The final nail in the coffin. I’d rather be anywhere else but in Dubai. But I’m also strapped for cash and depending on mom to get me staff tickets. Except the staff tickets are almost impossible to get because that will be holiday season. So I either shell out AED3000+ ($800+) to travel, or stay in town. Alone. Knowing he’s getting married then and will be bringing Bridezilla with him.

Life truly sucks for me.

Feel

2009-10-01T14:51:00.001+04:00

I've been feeling a range of emotions the past few days. Sometimes it's a sharp, stabbing feeling to my gut, making me want to puke. Sometimes it's just blissful numbness, where I feel nothing and lose track of time and place. Sometimes it's anger, a feeling of hatred so strong that it takes almost all my willpower to not get up and hit something, especially at myself.

There is one feeling that stays constant though: regret and self-loathing. As well as a feeling of loss and betrayal. I find it very hard to blame him, because he never really gave me a commitment. I felt the way I felt, but it wasn't necessary for him to feel the same way. Yes, I did all I could to make him see how much I loved him, I perfect we would have been together. And when it blew up in my face like it did, I have no-one but myself to blame. Yet, I don't feel any better, or consoled. I feel a lot worse.

How is it possible to feel like the spurned wife AND the dirty lil mistress? I feel like I belong nowhere, like I have no right to mourn, or feel upset or angry. I feel like everything has been taken away from me.

I feel so lost.

The worst of it all was losing my best friend - the one I could call and talk to about anything, when I'm feeling bored or when there's good or bad news.

There's been some restructuring at work, which was announced yesterday. Everyone seems to think it's a sign of bad things to come, but my first reaction was relief. And a good opportunity to really jump-start the brand, paper and website. If things weren't what they were, I would have called P immediately and we would have had an awesome talk about things, making me feel less like the sole weird person who thinks this was a good thing. Instead, I spent the entire evening feeling restless and alone, with no-one to talk to. My colleagues were unhappy - one was because she'd actually have to work now, the other just worried in general. I tried telling them what good we can get out of it, and only the boss seemed to listen to some of my suggestions. It wasn't the same. I no longer have my best friend. And it hurt. It still hurts.

I have a TOEFL exam next Saturday. I know I shouldn't worry because it's an exam for English as a second-language, or for non-native speakers. My first language is English. I take liberties with spelling and grammar on this blog because a)it is a personal blog b)I tweak the rules to convey emotions, or free-flow of thoughts.

I'm still freaking out though. I guess my exam confidence has plummeted since my crappy performance on the GRE - partially due to not getting enough time to study, as well as getting dumped the night before the exam. I'm scared of failing miserably and not getting admitted to colleges, which means I'm stuck here in a country that's my home, yet is not and that wants to suck my blood dry and never consider me as their own, despite being born here and spending 25 years in this place. Everything feels like a life-and-death situation to me. I feel overwhelmed.

I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm alone. And in a lot of pain. That's why I wish I could just die and put everyone, including me, out of their misery.

Understood?

2009-09-29T20:07:00.001+04:00

I didn’t really say much about what really happened, whether I spoke to P or not. Despite getting a lot of the info from his sister, I obviously wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth before thinking or reacting. So when he finally did call, I did small pleasantries and went for the jugular: What happened? P said he talked it out, it had been one ‘big misunderstanding’, they cleared the air and decided to proceed.

I stopped listening after that. In Dubai-in slang, my brain went ‘Inalhatif al mutahrik…’ (The message you hear when you reach a switched off cell). Or for a much better phrase, I told him to talk to the hand. Not in those words exactly. I said I wished him all the best (not really, but then again, I don’t want to sound like a bitch – despite feeling it). I also told him that it would not be possible for me to go with him for our weekend Hatta trip, despite it being my birthday gift to him. All he said was “I understand”.

I understand?! My ass.

I don’t get it. From what I know on his side of things, from what he told me, she wasn’t bothered about trying to patch things up. She didn’t even bother wishing his dad for his birthday, and sent an SMS for his own. What future daughter-in-law/wife does that? She didn’t even bother speaking to him and said ‘your wish’ when P expressed coming to India to sort things out. And at the risk of sounding childish, I was there for him. I was there. Not her. When he was down, upset, I was there. If he had said no to me because he didn’t like me, perhaps I wouldn’t have minded so much as him agreeing to marry her.

I didn’t want to hear what he had to say because his action said more than what any explanation could tell. I didn’t want to hear him saying that he suddenly decided to be faithful to her after never really doing that. I didn’t want him to dump me. So I said goodbye. But I still feel like I’ve been dumped.

He hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s only been a day or two, but it still bites. You know why? Because he still is my best friend, despite how I feel and the entire craziness going on. And he hasn’t bothered checking to see if I was ok. He knew how I felt, how hearing the news would make me feel. I suppose I don’t want apologies – why should he apologize to me for deciding who he wants to be with? He never said anything about wanting me the way I wanted him. But I wish he could have tried a little harder – say something beyond ‘I understand’. Try to console me. Fight a little harder, rather than letting me walk away.

I understand? No, he doesn’t. Not at all.

But I had some time to think within all the heart-wrenching sorrow. Or perhaps its happened to me so many times that my tolerance level has increased – like alcohol or drugs. A friend on twitter said I’d been making excuses for a lot of things and not acting or solving problems. I admit it’s a problem of mine. Whenever something bugs me, I get overwhelmed and dig in my heels and burry my head in the sad singing ‘lalalala’ until the problem goes away.

But I realised he was right. I keep postponing the things I want to do because I keep wanting things to be perfect and have everything on hand before I do so much as take one step. And, I want to do everything on my own because my pride won’t let me have it any other way. I do not want to be at anyone’s mercy, or have anyone telling me that I owe them because they did something for me. Or tell me that because they had to help me, they missed out on much better things and that I ruined their life. I don’t do loans of any kind, be it financial or emotional.

But he made me realise that some things don’t have to be done alone. I’m financially strapped-for-cash for Canada. Not so bad – I’m saving up quite a bit, and will hopefully have enough to cover tuition and living expenses for 6 months. But that’s not enough to get my visa approved. I need to have at least a year – I don’t have that sort of money on me, even if I start saving my entire salary and live on fresh air from now on. I’m not too happy about taking loans on amounts I can’t pay back within 3-6 months max. I realised I should ask my mom for help – she’s always offered, but I don’t want to trouble her. But I will now. I can consider it as a zero-interest, flexible repayment loan. I will pay her back as soon as I’m able to. But I do need her help if I want to go to Canada by next year.

So no more excuses. I am going to Canada by next year, whatever it takes.

Meme: Bag Tag

2009-09-29T12:02:00.009+04:00

I'd like interrupt the usual perpetually and utterly depressed blog with a fun meme. Regular programming on angst, bleakness and depression will follow after this short break.

Closed eyes tagged me on the 'Bag Tag'.

Rules:
1. Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you can't go into your closet and pull out your favorite purse! We want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.

2. List how much it cost. And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, we’d love to hear it.

3. Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your bag.

Ok, so here's my bag:

I use it daily - it's nice and big - and RED. I don't know how much it costs because I got it as a birthday gift from my editor this year. It's from Aldo. Her 3-year-old son chose the color - I love it! It's quite spacious - which is useful for smuggling food items and water in to a cinema hall instead of buying the over-priced stuff. Also good for reducing the amount of bags on hand while shopping - the smaller items can be kept inside.

The contents of my bag:

1 - My previous wallet - I now keep all my extra cards and ID in it. Now replaced by 9.
2 - The current book I'm reading. I always carry a book with me for times where I have to twiddle my thumbs while waiting in a queue.
3 - My make-up bag. My stepmom gave it to me when she saw that I'd dump my make-up loose in my bag, which would result in broken pencils, my iPod covered with shadow dust, etc. Very useful.
4 - My deo. Never leave home without it. For those who want to know - It's Adidas Fruity Rhythm.
5 - My vice. Davidoff superslims menthol lights. I generally don't smoke, but the recent ~~economic~~ emotional crisis has taken its toll.
6 - Jergens Ultra Healing moisturizer. I have dry skin.
7 - Kleenex. Trust me - it's a lifesaver.
8 - A book voucher that I got for my birthday. Still haven't used it.
9 - My new wallet. Keeps my essential cards and ID, as well as petty cash. It matches my bag. My mom got it for me as Eidi this year.
10 & 11 - My iPod cable and headphones. I just realized my iPod nano is missing from this picture. Yes, that's red too.
12 - Sugar-free gum. I never buy mint because it makes me belch. So fruit it is. And notice the fact that it's red.
13 - Bottle of water. Extremely useful thing, especially in cinemas.
14 - My signature scent - Salvatore Ferragamo Incanto Heaven. I purposely buy the tiny bottle so I can travel with it.

There's an inner pocket in which I keep my secret emergency stash. Mostly things that would help should I have an impromptu sleepover, or when I have day/night events and won't have time to go home and freshen up:

1 - Face wash. Very useful when there's too much oil on your face, or when accidents happen.
2 - Toothpaste. Most of the minis you see are travel items I find in US - I love mini products.
3 - A nifty comb/brush that I got from the Emirates toiletry kit.
4 - Hand sanitizer. MUST HAVE. Especially for a germophobe like me.
5 - Emergency pen.
6 - A really crappy perfume. That was the only one that was strong enough when I was in US as they don't sell deo sprays anymore. Now redundant. I will probably empty it and fill it with Incanto Heaven, so I don't have to carry the glass bottle.
7 - Oil absorbing sheets - also very useful for long days.
8 - Toothbrush. Also from the Emirates toiletry kit.

Who do I tag? Anyone who wants to do it. If you're a chick who's reading this, YOU'RE TAGGED.

And finally, here's a little something to bring a smile to your face:

Inglorious Basterds anyone?

Yesterday...

2009-09-28T08:07:00.004+04:00

Yesterday was not a good day. Not at all.

It was a big mistake to ever get involved with KM. Because it now gives him a license to be mean with me whenever he wants, and I have to hear it. Even be downright rude with me at work.

I went to McDonald's yesterday and ordered a meal, along with two other items that were new and which I wanted to try. As I place the order, he says: "How many people are you ordering for?"

I lost it and told him if I wanted to eat the entire menu in one sitting or that if I ordered for the entire office, I will and that was none of his business. He got offended and said that he was just joking. I told him that I didn't like his jokes and that he was insensitive and rude. He then said that I shouldn't be annoyed and that's why I have no friends. I told him that if that's what it takes to make friends, I don't want any.

I then couldn't eat my meal. I felt so sick to the stomach that I threw up and only managed to drink my apple juice and nibble on the fries later. I went to the bathroom to cry. I was just so frustrated and upset. I know I should be better and not let him get to me, but he did.

And when I later asked him to change a picture, or correct something because he put a picture of a Nokia phone instead of the iPhone - he said that I should do it myself. I was silent. I was too exhausted from puking to fight with him.

I guess I didn't have a thicker skin because I was waiting for P to call, signaling that he's back from India. I even checked all the possible flights online and waited, jumping every time the phone rang or beeped. But no call, not even an SMS. He did mention that flights were really full and that he'd have to take a chance on whatever flight he could get. His cell wasn't working, so I guess he wasn't getting reception.

It troubled me. I get anxious when people don't show up when they said they should. Previous experience makes me very nervous and jumpy. I'm very tempted to call his sister, but then it would make things look quite awkward.

I went on to Facebook. And saw a message from one of BZ's friends or relative, saying something about the wedding, posted on Saturday. I'm trying not to freak out because not everyone would have known about the break, and he clearly hasn't been online for a while. I'm trying not to panic, but I still am. I cried most of the night, and finally fell asleep exhausted, to wake up a few hours later.

Typing this.

Yesterday was not a good day at all.

Please let me be wrong about this.

EDIT: I called his sister. The flights weren't looking good, so he's coming in today by afternoon. The wedding is still on. I can't believe he's going to do it. He's so fucking stupid - he thinks he HAS to go through with this. I want to scream at him, but I can't. I'm done. I can't act brave anymore. I can't act anything anymore. I canceled our weekend trip, and I'm going to meet him one last time to give him his birthday present. I can't do this anymore. I'm so torn that its physically impossible for me to be around him. I feel so crap, I wish I could just disappear. Or die. Unfortunately, I have to live. Extremely unfortunate.

2nd EDIT: The funny thing is that through all this, I still blame myself. I still feel like I messed it up somehow - that if I had been better, smarter - something - things would have worked out different. I feel like such a big failure. Zero. Nada. Zilch. The bottom of the food chain. I should blame him, but I can't. I can only blame myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to recover from this. I truly wish I was dead right now. I pray something happens to me and I can end this misery.

3rd EDIT: Today's horroscope: There might be some tension between you and a romantic partner, which might have you feeling just a tad depressed. The key to patching this up is a little honest communication. But remember: honest doesn't necessarily mean brutal. Confrontations at this time can only widen the rift. Talk with your partner and tell him how you feel, but don't blame him for anything. Share a little, and by day's end, all should be well.

What's your sign?

2009-09-26T14:10:00.000+04:00

I am in a surprisingly, disgustingly, good mood today. Enough to keep playing 'Party in the USA' on loop. Yes, I have become that annoyingly cheerful.

I went out for a movie with mum yesterday - went to Ghurair for What's Your Raashee? (What's your sun sign?). Went for a 6.30 show.

Big mistake.

Thankfully, I had bought my tickets online, knowing that it was a Friday, opening weekend and an evening show. In essence, buying it online guarantees decent seating, jumping the queue and being able to make it to the cinema on time, knowing you don't have to worry about the above.

Well, I didn't have to worry about getting good seats. However, it's useless thinking that I'd save time on getting tickets when you have idiots jamming up the online ticket kiosk. Some family came with like 20 screaming kids to watch the same movie! And while the mother/aunt/matron was trying to figure out how to use the kiosk, the ankle-biters kept running amok, crowding the machine, pressing buttons etc. Why do desi folks let their kids run amok like animals??? Seriously.

Anyway, after tapping my feet and waiting impatiently just to print my tickets, while the above Shoe-Woman was trying to buy 20 tickets for an already sold-out show, a man stepped in and showed her what to do (or not to do). We got our tickets and went in just in time for the trailers.

While the movie had an interesting concept, 3.5 hours was wayyyy too long for a very dull and weak movie. The basic plot is a US-settled desi guy who's parents ask him to get married within a few weeks in order to save them from financial ruin. So he agrees to meet 12 girls, each one from the different sun signs.

I'm sure alot of people went to see how their zodiac sign would be represented. Mine was a filthy rich Gujju gal (Taurus),

while my mom was a man-eating, dominating corporate gal (Libra) - neither of us were pleased.

The saving grace of the movie was of course, Priyanka Chopra. She's been a favorite of mine since I saw her as the vamp in Aitraaz. She's hot. If I turned lesbian, I would totally want her. She plays 12 different characters in the movie - a girl from each zodiac, each unique. Catch a glimpse here:

The main lead, Harman Baweja, does a decent job acting, and can shake a leg when needed:

(Incase you were wondering, that was for the Gemini girl)

So, the question is, is it worth going to the cinema? Sure. If you have nothing better to do and/or a huge Priyanka Chopra fan.

Guest Post...

2009-09-25T06:59:00.000+04:00

When Cookie Monster sent out another call for guest posts, I of course said yes. I do love blogging, and it is fun to also do guest posts.

So check it out.

Although I admit I may have been severely depressed and angry when I wrote this, so it's going to be quite a sad post.

He's also raising funds for a charity project for clean water. You check out more about it here.

Horoscope of the day...

2009-09-24T12:32:00.001+04:00

Freaky!:

You're obviously struggling with something big, dear MJ. People's recent comments on your irritability are well founded. But don't worry; they'll forgive you eventually. In the meantime, do what you can to control your temper tantrums. They stem for your current fears, which seem to be multiplying exponentially. Blame the current situation on the planets, and accept it as a lesson on the path to self-realization.

Perhaps...

2009-09-23T19:28:00.000+04:00

Perhaps I’m thinking way too much into things. Or maybe I’m not thinking the right things. Or maybe I’m thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking. Or perhaps jumping the gun a bit too soon.

Or perhaps he’s just not ready to be into me.

Let me back up. P wants me. He gets jealous in a territorial way if I were to shack up with anyone else, although he wouldn’t stop me from seeing anyone else if I chose to. He says he loves me too. Too. Not just “I love you”. We will go on a weekend trip, my first ever. His too. Just me and him. He talks about hot actresses, babes and chicks he’s met, and I’m ok with it because I tell him about hot guys too. I’m not the jealous type. But a part of me wishes right now that he would just talk only about me – that’s how insecure I feel.

As each day passes by and he doesn’t seem to answer my question either way, I get my panties twisted in a tighter bunch. Although I should point out he hasn’t officially ended the wedding – that’s happening in a few days. So perhaps I’m getting just a tad impatient. I need to give him time to sort that, to clear his head. It hasn’t hampered the passion department though.

But it still bugs me. It really does. I love him and he knows exactly how I feel. I don’t know how he feels about me, but I’m hoping he feels the same. Yet a part of me has to tell myself that he doesn’t love me and that I should move on as soon as possible. I could date. I really could. I just don’t feel like it though. I’m tired and I want the familiar comforts, not the hook-ups or the frustration, rejection and heartbreaks that follow. I want to feel the warm, tender moments. The lazy afternoons curled up in a languid, safe cocoon of warm fuzzies and all things nice.

Perhaps he’s not ready to be into me. But what if he’s never gets ready to be into me? How much time is appropriate for him to get over the canceled wedding and think about me? Should I wait? Should I leave? What should I do?

Eid...finally.

2009-09-21T10:56:00.003+04:00

I guess I should say that having no expectations generally makes for a better Eid, even if it was mostly spent vegetating and sleeping whatever few moments I could.

Ok, so the day actually began from Saturday. I hadn't slept all off Friday night, or morning...I'm not quite sure when I actually did sleep. It was all a blur. Anyway, I told mom that I had some vouchers that P gave me on my birthday that I'd like to use in acquiring some new clothes for Eid. For those who don't quite know some traditions that occur, let me back up a bit.

From what I recall as a child till now, some things haven't changed in our household for Eid. Even if we don't visit much or entertain people, perhaps not even cook beyond making a sweet dish or kabab, we still get new clothes and Eidi. Being the youngest, I always got the most out of it, as gifts and stuff generally goes by the elder giving to the younger. So yeay! One cool thing about being the baby.

Like I said, new clothes. Most times, it's a new, slightly dressy, shalwar kameez that we buy and tailor about a month before Eid. Over time, the style and material has gone more practical and everyday-wearability, rather than something that would end up collecting dust in my closet. However, this year I chose not to stitch. Simply because my mom and sis already visited the tailor before without me, and I didn't want to go through the hassle of hitting Meena Bazaar just for myself, which meant one visit to get the material, another to give to the tailor, and another to collect. All in a part of town that is heavily congested, no parking and just plain time-consuming. Which I don't have much off.

So, no new clothes. I decided last minute to use the vouchers that P gave me - they were Reef Mall vouchers worth a nice tidy sum - Dh250($70). Nice. There's a Splash there, so I convinced mum to tag along with me and let me use those to get some new stuff for Eid.

As usual, mom being mom, she threw in a few of her errands - bank, dropping off stuff, etc - so we got to the mall by almost 1pm. I picked a few things, but more out of wanting to buy something rather than anything I liked. When mom got bored and decided to go elsewhere while I shop alone, I threw a hissy fit. I spent the entire morning doing her errands all over the city, yet when I wanted to do something, she wanted to leave in five minutes? So I said I didn't want to buy anything and almost left when mom calmed me down and made me try some stuff.

I finally left the store with four tops and a small purse. Mom got me the purse as her Eid gift. Also bought birthday gifts for colleagues, and a tiny little water fountain for my room. I always wanted one - the nice trickling sound while I sleep. Unfortunately, I bought one that's so efficient it doesn't make any noise.

I pissed of my neighbor though. I don't know why he's over-reacting though. We made plans to hang out or go somewhere on Saturday evening, but I unfortunately over-slept. I finally felt sleepy at 2pm, and thought he'd be over for iftar, being my natural alarm clock at about 6pm, and leave by 7pm to head over to a mall or something. He ends up going directly to the mall and SMSing me. I didn't get his SMS because I was fast asleep - the sleep of the dead, or someone who hasn't slept in over 40 hours. He did call, but that was useless because I don't remember, being half asleep and saying 'uhuh'. So he was at the mall waiting for me till 10pm, after which he came back home. I slept through the entire thing. I felt horrible, and I've been calling him everyday since then to apologize. Except he isn't answering my phone. I don't want to text him because I'm sure I'll fuck it up, it being only so long. I'd prefer spending the same amount of credit just talking. Let him be bitchy, make me grovel - whatever. But talk and hopefully iron itself out. But he won't pick his phone up. And that sucks. I feel horrible. Was it really that big a deal?

I did make kababs, something I haven't made in a while. I called them my green, mint kababs. Mom made biryani, shahi tukda and we had a pretty awesome lunch. We then went for a movie - all three of us - and watched 'Dil Bole Hadippa!'. It's loosely based on She's The Man, just switch football for cricket.

I have to admit, I totally drooled seeing Shahid Kapoor. His body made me quiver. His smile made me melt. I swooned with every flip of his hair, sideward grin and rippling pectorals that flashed on the screen. But besides being sex on legs, he is a pretty good actor. I though his turning point for me was when I saw Jab We Met. After that, I became a fan. And then after seeing Kaminey, I started having some pretty wild dreams about him - especially after seeing him play the rather hot Charlie - long hair, stubbly face and all - the rugged and extremely handsome bad boy. *swoon* *sigh* *drool*

I think there was a point in the movie where he passed by, and every woman in the theater hall gave a very audible, collective *sigh*. Enjoy this little snippet of him (there's a rather neat step at about 01:45 - like a roller-coaster thing):

PS: There's something for the guys too - Rani Mukherjee is quite hot.

Oh, and he's one man who can make pink look so sexy:

Happy Everything

2009-09-20T05:00:00.000+04:00

Eid Mubarak everyone!

Eid...and Birthdays

2009-09-16T08:02:00.000+04:00

Ramadan is almost over. Thank God. Eid is coming up soon, either Sunday or Monday. Now's the time when everyone starts placing bets on when Eid will be. Gets fun.

Not knowing when the month ends and the festivities start is an event in itself. It gives us the much needed excitement - like award ceremonies.

It can also be a pain, especially when you grow up and only get two days off - which two days depends on which one is most inconvenient for you. Or so it seems to be. Since I work from Saturday onwards, it doesn't really matter. Be it Sun/Mon or Mon/Tue, it will be in the middle of the week for me. For most people though, atleast in the UAE, having Eid fall on Sun/Mon would give them a chance to have a 4-day weekend (or 3 days). The alternative would mean showing up for one day, getting two days off, followed by another two days of work before hitting the weekend.

So what about moi? Well, considering that I work shifts and the fact we're understaffed (so understaffed that my boss said we're not spread thin, we're practically see-through), I'm being given Sat/Sun off, regardless of the outcome. Which is ok I guess. Although it might suck if it's on Monday and I resume Monday night. But again, it's ok. Not like anything great happens on Eid in our house. Eid died when my parents separated. Although there was a partial revival with my stepdad for the length of their marriage. But since he left shortly before Eid about two years back, I think my mom prefers not to bring it up, and I've let it be. The sad thing was that it was her birthday too, shortly after Eid. That year was not a happy time, and I remember it too well.

Hence, Eid no longer holds any happy memories for me. It's a normal weekend day, where we get to sleep. Maybe cook something nice, or order takeout. Perhaps convince my mom to go out for lunch or dinner, although that in itself is a Herculean task, like taking a pet to the vet. Last year my granma was here, so things were a bit festive. Took them all out for dinner at a restaurant. Even though my granma can be as stubborn as my mom in terms of going out anywhere, she seems to be the more adventurous of the two. And she was the only one who managed to make mom get off her butt and go out.

To be honest, I think Eid died for me a long, long time ago. Even though I should remember some happy things, I can't think of any, except perhaps a long, long time ago, when I was a little girl. After that, all I remember uptil he left is the house being very tense because my dad would have his temper tantrums and everybody had to be miserable. I was exempt from his bad books for the most part. His anger was mostly aimed at my mom and sister.

I remember one Eid where he left my mom and sis alone at home and only took me out. I look back realizing that I should have insisted that all or none of us go. But I was a kid - I didn't care being left alone and wanted to get out. So I left with him. It was only later that my mom told me that it was unfair to do that and that my mom and sister had a miserable day and went to the nearby petrol station's KFC for any semblance of a family meal. I still feel guilty till this date.

After he left, I remember every subsequent Eid being the kiss of death to any relationship I had. This Eid in particular. Because I'd be in a relationship, or get into one, shortly before Ramadan began. Then Ramadan begins and I'd insist on not being physically close the entire month, wanting to focus on spirituality and being better. This in turn caused a rift, leading to the guy leaving, walking out on me, dumping, etc shortly before Eid. Which meant I'd be heartbroken and depressed the entire time. I called it my 'Eid curse'. I'm not sure whether I ever broke this curse, or I stopped caring.

On another less dreary note, today is P's birthday. I met him after midnight, complete with hastily picked up chocolate cake slice from Pizza Hut and candles from a grocery shop below his house. I didn't know if I'd be able to see him, as his folks were in town and his dad's bday was the day before, meaning joint family celebrations - only family. And it being Ramadan, fasting, me working odd hours, I didn't know if I'd be able to see him today at all. I won't. But at least I got to meet him after work and before heading home.

I even wished his dad - a pure stroke of luck, nerve-wracking too. P left his phone by mistake. So when I called, his dad picked up, telling me P left it at home. I blurted out "Happy birthday Uncle!*" and muttered something about asking P to call me when he catches him next, after which I kept the phone down. I freak out with folks. I guess because I've never really had a guy's folks know me before. With the exception of my best male friends - one's a fruit, the other half-fruit, and one that people think are a fruit. So I pose no threat to their folks, although one of them hoped we were a couple, so that their son would become 'normal'. Oh, and my best friend Cammy's folks - they're like my second set of folks. I want people to like me, especially the guy I like's folks. Although with P, I guess they won't be too happy if they knew how 'close' we are as friends. Not happy at all. I just hope they can look past the cultural and religious differences and know that I love and care for their son and want nothing more than to to support, care and love him and see him happy. And that I respect their culture and religion and am not trying to change him. *sigh*

PS: BZ didn't wish his dad. Didn't even wish P properly, just an SMS. Typical. Not the way to show you want to work things out. They're all heading to India to 'sort it out' next weekend. P wants to end it. Tried not to grin when he said that. Asked how he felt, and said he didn't feel anything now, just sadness for his folks - they were looking forward to the upcoming nuptials.

Current song in my head:

*For those wondering why I said 'uncle', desi traditions dictate that you call elderly folks who aren't your mom and dad 'aunty' and 'uncle' as a sign of respect. A translation crossover from all the desi languages. Calling them by name means you're their equal and is considered rude. Calling them Mr/Mrs (insert last name) isn't as such rude, but still sounds odd. Oh, and slightly elder folks, but not old enough to be of your parents' generation, call them 'brother' or 'sister'. Sometimes used on younger people too. Not always required - but polite. Although some men and women get offended by being called aunty/uncle or brother/sister because that makes them old(er) and/or means they can't hit on you. Used very nicely as a subtle 'fuck off' tactic from unwanted attention.

Fed up...

2009-09-11T01:39:00.000+04:00

Day one without calling - it passed in a blur and I think I did ok.

I had such an urge to call him, especially when the house drama started. He seems to comfort me. But I need to do this. I have to. So not calling it is.

I stayed at home for the most part, and I didn't want to go out. Just be home. Just be in my little 'nest'.

I wish I could write about what's really bugging me, but I know better than to do that. I have to self-censor due to things at home. I wish I could write what I feel, but doing so will make the situation worse.

I guess the only thing I can say is I'm sick of all the drama. Sick of feeling stressed, tensed, or guilty, even when I know it's not my fault. I'm sick of always being the understanding one, the one who keeps giving and when I want to put my foot down and say no, being told I'm not supportive enough. I'm just tired of feeling awful all the time, always feeling like the bad or bitchy one. Fine. I am a bitch. I am selfish. I am cold and uncaring. I'm so bad I don't deserve jackshit. Fine. As long as it makes it go away, I'll say I'm all that. Just leave me the fuck alone.

I also realise how dysfunctional I am. If I can't have normal relationships at home, how the fuck can I expect men to have relationships with me? Or even have their folks like me? I've had plenty dismiss me on the surface because I'm not good enough for their son. I'm either having no pedigree (coming from a mixed parentage), or from a broken home (parents split up), or from a mother who married again, and that too to someone closer to my age than hers. The last one, I tell them to fuck off. What my mother does has nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. The rejection, I mean.

But even if they did see past all that, I guess they'd see a neurotic, dysfunctional person. I'm fed up of trying to be good enough for people who will never see me as worthy. Even my own parents. The one who said that he didn't need me as he had two new daughters. The other one who said that adopting me was all the kids he needed - only to leave because he wanted his own kids. I'm so fucking tired of not being wanted. Of not being the perfect daughter, or the one they wanted.

I'm also tired of being someone's back-up - only ever being called or asked when they have no-one better to be with. Or to pass time in between more important friends. Or coming to me only because I have something they need - not because they like me, or god forbid, enjoy my company. Oh no. I'm too beneath them for that.

I've always been one person to give the benefit of the doubt. Champion the people I love till the end. I don't judge. Ok, perhaps I do, but only when they're mean with me. I don't care who or what a person is, as long as they're nice with me. But once I lose my trust in a person, which is hard to do, it will take forever for me to trust them again. I can't. That's why I can never stand being cheated on. Because if they could be unfaithful once, they can do so again.

I can't take this anymore. I'm fed up. I'd rather be alone.

I give it all up...

2009-09-10T01:14:00.000+04:00

I've started to realize that I'm investing too much of myself in this entire charade, saga, whatever you want to call it. For my sanity, and for the betterment of any future for it, I'm going to take a step back and just disappear.

Because I can feel myself react to each and every bit of news, and my reactions are ones that I can't help feeling. And also regret long immediately after feeling that way. I do not want to feel like this. Feel like a Judas when talking to his sisters as 'his friends'. Feel like the taken-for-granted best friend in all those teen movies. Even feel like 'every other woman' who becomes clingy, insecure and analyses every single word he says.

I love him, but right now it's driving me insane. And out of control. More than anything, I hate feeling so lost and out-of-control. I can't blame him, because these are things I did out of my own choice. This is a mess and complicated. And me waiting for every frikkin' update just makes me go a little more psychotic. I don't want to be like that.

I love him so much it drives me crazy. At the same time, I love him enough to want him happy more than any selfish feelings I have for him. Even though I keep saying I want to be supportive and there for him, I will probably be a better friend if I keep my distance. Just not call, drop off the face of the planet, except for his bday, and the bday surprise I have planned for him after. Just those two things, and I'll stay out of his life until he decides how he wants to be with me.

Because I don't think I can stand being around him until he tells me the wedding is over officially. Every day it goes unresolved, I feel myself getting more impatient, more crazy, more pyscho. And it's creeping into my voice, in my conversations. I can't be objective and be a supportive friend. I can't. It's killing me. It hurts. I'm just a cookie short of screaming at him, telling him he's crazy for delaying it any longer. But I know that if I'm rational, he has good reasons for not ripping the bandage off. It wasn't just him and her involved, it was both families. And until his folks don't go to India to resolve all of this once and for all, it remain suspended. He will go too, for a day or two.

I guess I'm scared to let him go. Scared because what if he decides to say yes?

I never used to be so possessive of him. Or jealous, or clingy or whatever. He's meeting up with an old college friend tomorrow - female and hot. Also who used to crush on him. Normally, even when I knew I loved him, I would think nothing of it. I trusted him completely. I've never been the jealous type. And now all I can think about is how he's meeting her within this mess. I'm losing it.

I know that it's not a big deal and nothing is going to happen, but I'm so crazed I can't think straight. I know I'm in big trouble and I have to stop reacting to this. If I want to have any shot with him and retain my sanity, I have to let go. Give him space. I've done that so many times, and sure enough he came back to me. Where I just didn't call, didn't keep in touch, just lived on with my life. I'd never give it any thought, it was easy enough. It would be difficult when I needed him at times, but I had to learn to manage things on my own.

This time will be the hardest. Because I will worry that absence will further weaken my cause, rather than the age-old saying of 'making the heart fonder'.

I'm turning into a nut-job. It's time I leave. As hard as it is to do and accept, if he wants me, he knows where I am.

I give it all up
But I’m taking back my love
I’ve given you too much
I’m taking back my love

Anxious Insomniac...

2009-09-08T13:15:00.001+04:00

I'm turning into an insomniac. I can't sleep. And I feel sluggish all day. It's like my brain refuses to switch off when it needs to, and refuses to turn on when I want it to.

There is an amendment to my current situation. I may have jumped the gun a bit too soon. The thing is even though P wants to call things off, nothing official has been done. The rents, BZ(short for BrideZilla), and BZ's peeps need to have a pow-wow and decide what to do. Sort of like not ending things to rashly, thinking things through, and if it is the end of the road, what to tell everyone about why it's been canceled.

It made me grit my teeth. Mostly because I'm a worry-wart and if I don't have something to worry about, I will find something else to fixate on. No wonder I'm hunched - I never am able to sit relaxed without leaning forward, deeply in thought. With a niggling, tiny, minuscule, nagging doubt. What if he decides to not end this? I would be devastated for sure. Not because he isn't with me, but because he went back to someone who clearly is self-absorbed, immature, insecure and a diva to boot. Not in a good way. Plus, I think - no, not think. I know I will lose respect for him. How can I respect someone who knowingly goes back to someone who isn't right for him?

But I don't want to dwell on such thoughts that will make me feel miserable. Because things have a way of turning out just the way I feel. If I let the thought of him going back fester, it will grow to such a proportion that it might become reality.

Anyway, I guess that's what's keeping me wide awake and so buzzed. I guess until everything is official, or rather no longer official, I'm on the edge of my seat. I so hope he doesn't go back.

PS: I think I've gone over 24 hours without proper sleep now. I am soooo going to be screwed over at work. I hope I can drive. I hope I can stay awake.

Current songs in my head:

Repost: I close my eyes to perpetuate the dream…

2009-09-07T20:31:00.000+04:00

Saw this while blog surfing on D's.

Please welcome Closed Eyes, and this is a blogpost I found fascinating. It's really nice, do check her blog. I'm reposting the best bits:

As your lips brush against my neck, the blood in my veins gushes at a much faster pace. The breathing becomes eccentric as my heart begins to throb in its own beautiful melody in my throat, choking the words that I was trying to convey…

As you leave the impressions of your lips on my forehead, I urge for the moment to never end. I desire for the time to stop. I crave to live eternities in the allure of that moment. I yearn to be yours forever…You stroke my hair and bring me closer to your smooth bare chest, I lose my sentiments and break free into the intimacy of the second…I don’t yearn for anything else as you take me in your embrace and sweep me off the sheets…I wrap my arms around your muscular back and close my eyes with serenity because I know that I’m secure and blessed in your seal...

And, I open my eyes, the dark in the room disturbs my vision, the tick tock of the wall clock penetrates into my eardrum, and the cooling in the room pierces my cold skin…A tinge of pain in my heart is all I feel because I was woken up to reality…And I close my eyes to perpetuate the dream…

Enjoy

Kahani mein Twist a.k.a. Twist in the mix

2009-09-07T09:47:00.002+04:00

I know I should have written this sooner, but things have been very chaotic. I'll first tell you why it's chaotic before giving the good news.

As I mentioned earlier, I've shifted desks at work. And the whole sharing spiel. Ok, first up, I was supposed to move my stuff when I went to work on Saturday evening. Turns out the guy who sat there before hadn't cleaned his drawers on Thursday, which meant another day in limbo. Also, it seems like the UPS and/or electrical supply wasn't connected properly so our monitors, sometimes PCs, would black out. In addition, the ceiling was dripping water - like our office was being flooded. And this is just the older half of the same building. I felt like I was in Dhaka or something - load-shedding, leaky ceilings, things not working....*sigh*

Which meant my ~~day~~ night began shortly after iftar, about 7-7.30pm, and ended by almost 3am, even though I officially finish work by 1am. Oh, and because the machine to be shared was my colleagues instead of mine, I had to make sure I had access to all the intranet folders, FTP stuff, have Outlook and other software installed and set-up, etc etc. And the new guy in IT is clueless, so I have to ask the people on the morning shift to make sure that it gets done. Oh, and because of the blackouts, whatever the morning staff can't do gets added to my pile of work - like I already didn't have a lot to do.

Since I'm home later than usual and because I haven't eaten anything at all at work, just a few bites at iftar before speeding to work, I'm starved. I end up eating at home, which means I can't conk off till about 7-8am, which means I'm sleeping during daylight hours. I have broken sleep, which snowballs to feeling sleepy at work, in turn taking longer to finish, which further postpones my bedtime and so on. I slept yesterday by 12pm, staying up the entire night and morning, getting only about 4-5 hours of sleep. I'm highly strung and doped out.

I don't eat at work anymore thanks to KM. He always picks on what I eat. He's just gotten extremely annoying. Lazy in the fooling department. Annoying, lazy vampire that gives me enough marks on my neck to make me look like a battered housewife.

For example, I once saw a plate of dates and a slice of kunafeh on his table. He offered me some and I saw the kunafeh. I love it. I haven't eaten it often, being so rich, but I have fond memories of going to Firas Sweets during Ramadan and having it fresh off the oven. And that's how it should be eaten - piping hot while the cheese is still gooey. The last time I ate such a thing was over a year ago.

Anyway, so I was telling him this while taking a bite, just for the taste. And that's when he said very loudly in front of all my colleagues, "That's why you're so fat. By eating all these things." I lost all taste in my mouth and I felt like I just ate a spoonful of squirming bugs. I wanted to spit or vomit it out. I felt sick and hurt. I just walked off and refused to talk to him for the rest of the day. Although I had to because we planned a bday surprise for him at work. I had gotten a lovely ice-cream cake for him from Cold Stone - Midnight Delight. Sinfully chocolatey. I didn't want to eat it. I lost my appetite. So not worth it.

I'm breaking up with him. Rather, already did. I was going to anyhow before I got the good news.

Ah yes. The good news.

What is the good news?

The good news is that P is no longer getting married to Bridezilla. She showed her true colours and he called it off. Where does that leave me? For now, the friend who's shoulder he can cry on. Not that he's the type to cry. It's just a phrase.

But I'm not going to goof up like before. I did tell him how I feel, what I want - I want to be there for the long term. Give it a shot. He knows how I feel about him. But I also said I know it's too soon to give any answer or make any decision as he needs to clear things up, get over it before he can think about it. But I will still be there for him as a friend regardless of what he decides. I'm leaving it in his hands now and giving him space to think. Of course, I'm happy. I won't say it's only because I'm glad she's out of his life because she's a bitch. I'm glad also because I got a chance to correct my goof-up, at the very least answer the question of 'what if?'. I'm not going to mess it up this time.

I need to sleep. Or I'll regret it. I'm still wide awake though. I'm not very happy about my sleep. Even got an eye-mask so I'm not interrupted by the light entering my room. Not working. All my brain can think about is P, Canada, P, Canada, P, Canada and how to get married without going through the dreaded process of a wedding. We've known each other for years and been close enough to not have to date years to see if we want to get married. Both of us want to get married soon. Not necessarily to each other, although that's what I want, but you get the point - just being marriage-ready. I know I'm going way ahead, but yes, I want to marry him. Have his kids. Have his grandkids. But try to avoid going through a wedding. I love attending weddings, but hate to have my own.

I guess I'll just have to wait and watch. See what happens.

Oh, and I just thought about Sweet Valley High. That was totally random.

Losing it...

2009-09-05T05:51:00.000+04:00

Still feel like crap, but now feel cramped too. I'm neglecting the official blog I'm doing at work because I don't think writing about depression, angst and feelings will sit down well with them or the blog. I should write something soon though.

I hate being or feeling like the bad person, yet I know I am in some shape or form. I can't sleep knowing that I'm being selfish in wanting some personal space, but I need it. I'm losing my grip on alot of things.

First off, we relocated within our office. Unfortunately, we are now five people sharing four desks and machines and guess who has to share? I suppose I can put up with it as all five of us are never on the same shift, but I hate losing my personal workspace after having it for over two years now. Thankfully, I get along with all my colleagues so I'm not too bugged about who I'm sharing it with. But sharing still bites.

Then I feel like I have no space at home, no breathing room. I used to have my refuge where I could bury myself when I want to be alone, but I can't now because there's always someone there. To get any privacy, I have to lock the door, which makes me feel mean, petty and cruel. But I need to or I'll go insane. I'm losing everything bit by bit.

Mom keeps dumping things in my room. If I balk, it's her house. It's true. It is her house. But I've been on my own for years and I've built my little 'nest' for when I need my space and want to be alone. Except now I feel invaded and I can't say anything because if I do I'm being selfish. They don't get it. They all have places to go when they want to be alone. But now I don't. And it's driving me insane. I want my room back.

And when I want to and have to force people to get the message, I end up feeling guilty all the time. I'm going crazy. I'm going so crazy I wish I could die. Then they can all have whatever they want. And I won't feel guilty or crazy or whatever. I'd be dead - I won't feel a thing.

Aimless...

2009-09-02T05:16:00.000+04:00

I've been in a foul mood all week. Perhaps it's PMS without the relief that comes with getting the 'monthly visitor'.

I do finally have the urge to say something and express how I feel. There is a sense of clarity that I get when I'm extremely depressed, like a bottoming out of sorts.

I don't think I'll ever be ok with what's going on with P. And the reason why is because I blame myself for letting things get so out of hand. I will always live with the regret that I could have prevented this. He will be the one that I let slip through my fingers. He will be one of my biggest regrets, because I'm sure he won't be the last stupid thing I do.

But I do know when I'm fighting a losing battle. As much as I hope uptil the big day that he won't go through with it, it looks to be inevitable. Feelings aside, I don't feel she's right for him. I think he could do much better - I'd feel better if he was with someone who was better than her, better than me even. I'd feel that at least she will love and take care of him much better than I ever could. I suppose the maternal instinct I feel for him. I feel like I need to protect him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I will spend whatever time I have left enjoying his company. Not that it will all finish once he's married, but things will change for good. He won't be there for me as much as I want. I need to say my goodbyes before then.

This is very hard for me to handle. Everytime I think I'm making peace with it, something comes around to mess me up again. I know the final nail for this coffin will be the day he gets married. Until then, I keep trying to live, struggle to breathe. To find peace. I know that no matter how good I say I am, I will feel horrible that day.

At the same token, I know I will love again. I hope I will. I may even feel as safe and secure as I feel now with P. But I don't know when that will be, and any second that passes before I ever feel that way again is a moment too long, too torturous. And painful.

But where do I go until? Who do I turn to when he won't be there? What do I do? I feel so lost - like a moon without a planet. Just going round and round a void where its existence used to be. A moon who missed the memo that its planet has left.

I feel lost.

Sick and tired....

2009-08-31T23:53:00.000+04:00

I have nothing inspirational, heart-warming or even warm fuzzy to say.

It's only been 10 days into Ramadan and I'm beginning to hate it. No, not the fasting. Just the whole "let's be inspirational and uplifting" part - it reeks of commercialism and marketing that has overtaken other festivities such as Christmas, New Years and the ilk.

I feel upset. I feel black and bleak. I feel everything and anything but warm fuzzies. I feel horrible. I don't feel any comfort in spirituality. Everything, including praying, feels more like a ritual than any deeper connection with God. I feel cramped. I want to be alone, yet I can't. There's always someone in my face. And the person that I wish I could have is the very person I can't afford to have.

I just feel angry, frustrated and depressed all the time. And numb too. I want to be comforted, but nothing and no-one can. I'm trying really hard. I'm struggling to keep up a good, happy face, but I'm not doing a good job.

I just want to escape. Escape to anywhere, away from everyone and everything. The only time I ever feel that way is when I lose myself into a book or some mindless series that I catch on TV or online.

I'm tired. I have nothing to give to anyone anymore. I'm spent. I don't care about anybody else's problems, most of them self-inflicted. I'm a hypocrite saying that, but that's how I feel. I wish some people would grow up. I'm tired of trying to argue or reason with people. I'm tired.

I'm tired of trying to be perfect, of trying to keep things under control, yet always feeling like everything is spinning out of control.

I'm just sick and tired.

Blue...

2009-08-25T15:19:00.000+04:00

I've hit an emotional speed-hump. Whether it's that time of the month, or simply the dietary changes that come with fasting in Ramadan, I've been feeling very blue. And a bit hopeless.

Well there's the whole gut-wrenching saga of my heart. But let's not go there.

And there's also a feeling of desperation that comes with forgetting to do something basic, and scared of admitting it. Something I should know how to do, but now can't even recall how to do it, let alone getting it right. Something integral to my spiritual core, a way of trying to get back to it. And being continuously grilled about it makes me feel so desperate, so depressed and now, extremely phony. And feeling overwhelmed. I just feel like giving up, not caring - I'm going to hell anyway, so why bother?

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself right now. I need to snap out of it.

Taming of the shrew...

2009-08-23T13:31:00.000+04:00

The hardest part about fasting in Ramadan is not abstaining from food and drink, although I admit that I get food obsessed during this month. It's about trying to abstain from the baser emotions and be calm, zen-like. Like not thinking about cracking someone's head open when they infuriate me. Or similar torturous and sadistic pleasures that run through my head when dealing with unpleasant things and/or people.

The biggest challenge is using this time to learn humility and forgiveness. Just letting go instead of holding a grudge. It's very easy to hold on to who, what, when and how someone or something hurts you. It's also very easy to let the daily wind and grind of the world seep into your pores and build up into a simmering pot of rage, ready to be unleashed when you least expect it. Even more so when you're running a low in the food department. People get vile when they haven't eaten.

This year will be harder than before, falling in the unpleasant part of summer. The next few years will get worse - the holy month will shift a fortnight behind as it passes through the scorching summer into the more pleasant spring.

My patience will be tested quite exhaustively with KM. He seems to be infuriating more than pleasing. There are things that he does that make me go 'awwww' and 'that's thoughtful and sweet', but most times I find myself counting numbers backwards, struggling to keep my hands from smacking or throttling him.

Like yesterday. He said a snarky remark on the lines of me eating as I wouldn't have been fasting anyway. That made my head snap up - WTF?!! Just because I'm not the most religious person doesn't mean I can't try to be better.

On the other hand, he finished about half hour before I was done and stayed back to give me company. He didn't have to do that, but he did.

*sigh* Patience....

He Said, She Said...

2009-08-20T21:02:00.000+04:00

Today was a pretty good day. I got to spend time with P. I suppose any day I spend with P is a good day. But today was special.

It felt like nothing had changed between us and that the upcoming nuptials were of no consequence. It was just me and him. No-one else to intrude on our time. Like how things were before. We talked again.

I told him I loved him.

He said he loved me too.

I replied that I loved him more.

He agreed.

He then said that he wished I said all of this six months earlier, before all of the marriage stuff happened. He said it was too late.

I told him that it's never too late. At least, not until he's married. I also said that I won't try to convince him. Whatever he decides, it's his choice. And that I will be happy for him.

He has second thoughts about the marriage, but he feels like he must go through with it. That it's supposed to be his destiny.

I questioned his destiny. What if it's meant to be with me?

He kept quiet. He then said that if that's the case, then it will happen when it will.

I hope, yet I don't. If he came to me, I'm his. I love him, and a part of me will always love him. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. I'm moving on - I'm not saving myself for him. I guess I'm doing what he's doing - if it's meant to be, he will come to me. We will be together. But I'm not holding my breath for it to happen. More than what I want or wish, I want him to be happy.

I love you. It was so easy saying that to him. It felt natural. It felt right.

I leave this post with this song and video:

Eloquence at its finest...

2009-08-18T20:33:00.000+04:00

I will start with something utterly pointless. I think of my keyboard as not just an input device for the machine, but something akin to the keyboard of a piano. I crack my knuckles and lightly stroke the keys, starting whatever literary masterpiece I may think of for the day. The first words are key. They start the flow of words. Hence why the start is the hardest part about writing.

Not everything I write will be genius. Most times, it’s just random and pointless thoughts that float in my head, begging to be released from brain to paper – in my case, computer. The keyboard is my wand. Occasionally, I do come up with some rather amusing and thought-provoking stuff.

Today is not one of those days. I’ve developed this weird sneezing fit. I don’t think it’s a cold, and certainly not an allergic reaction. But I can’t seem to stop sneezing. My nose will twitch, get itchy, have a build-up of itchiness after which the canon is ready to blow – AAAAAAAAHHHHCHOOOOOOOO!!!

Anyone interested in my rather non-existent love life? Well, for those who do – a handful who read my rather obscure blog – will know that I’ve been dipping my pen in the office ink. Having a bit of fun with a guy called KM. Things have blown hot and cold for the most part and I feel apathetic about the whole thing.

Things got a bit complicated when the other dude also working with me got a wee bit too friendly for comfort. I don't know if he's just being nice, or if he's hitting on me. Regardless, I don't like him that way. Awwwk-warddddddd.

My brain is going fuzzy with the continuous sneezing. I feel like I'm killing more brain cells with every sneeze. I'm going to bed soon after work is done.

Hell hath no fury...

2009-08-17T18:50:00.000+04:00

It ceases to amaze me what people are capable of when seeking vengeance. It is one thing to want revenge from the person who did you wrong. It is quite another matter though, when it involves people who are innocent or simply at the wrong place and time.

For example, this bitter ex-wife torching a wedding tent because her ex ‘did her wrong’ during their divorce. Her vengeance cost the lives of 43 women and children, and 90 injured. And nothing to the groom or bride apparently. Where is her revenge?

Ramadan approaching...

2009-08-16T14:32:00.000+04:00

One more hour to go till my last ‘morning shift’ ends. I’m quite hungry, but I’d rather wait it out and pick something on my way home.

I’ve become quite a big fan of Tabbouleh, even though I never liked it initially. No idea why. I looked at it – and it was dislike on first sight. But then somewhere down the line I was forced to eat it. And I loved it. It tasted yummy. And I can feel a little less guilty as it’s a a healthy salad.

Ramadan is approaching soon and I guess I will be fasting this time. I didn’t fast last year as I was under medication that required me to take it during the fasting hours. How spiritual or religious this will be for me is anyone’s guess. I’ve had many a troll tell me things and say that I’m not Muslim, a poor example of one and other variations of it. Kafir, infidel and the like. Whatever. A part of me stopped caring.

Why am I fasting? Partially out of habit. Mostly out of the desire to take this month as a chance to channel, discipline and train my willpower. I’m probably one of the flakiest people you will ever meet when it comes to maintaining any form of health or diet regimes. As a result, my weight yo-yos and my health suffers.

I also want to take this as a chance to build on my spiritual well-being. Perhaps find myself, my faith. Not necessarily my faith in Islam, but just my spiritual core. I right now believe in nothing. Well nothing deep enough. I feel like everything is shallow, surface-deep and as a result, it reflects into my self-perception.

Oh, and I’m also going to be a blog author for an upcoming Ramadan website. If you ask nicely, I’ll tell you which one. As for why I’m not going all out and revealing which one, it’s sort of my work-cum-official thing, which I do not want to mix with my personal blog. And trust me, things like that do come back to bite you in the ass. So I guess those who are my FB pals will find out soon enough :)

Back Home...

2009-08-13T21:15:00.000+04:00

So I'm back in Dubai. This is the first time I've arrived from my vacation and not felt happy that I'm back home. Which also means I really enjoyed my stay abroad. I'm not having post-vacation blues, which is a good thing. But I'm not exactly pleased about getting back into the grind of daily life.

I met P shortly after returning. He commented on me looking better, fresher and more at peace than my last trip to the US. He would know as he had picked and dropped me from the airport both times. I suppose I am a bit more at peace than last time. Last year turned into a fiasco despite my plans. I got completely brushed aside and ignored over there, and had a whole bunch of emotional and personal upheavals back home.

This time, I got to actually spend time with my best friend and not be brushed aside for more important things, events or people. Not just with my best friend, but her husband too. He's like my unofficial bro-in-law. And also got to spend time with her bro which did not get awkward, even though me being the only single person did get awkward at times, but not enough to ruin the experience for me. And got to meet a blogger buddy of mine and visit a new state. All in all, a rather satisfying trip.

I guess I do feel a bit more at peace. For one, I did not feel a thing when P told me about his upcoming weekend getaway with his fiance - alone with no folks. No territorial pangs of jealousy, just a detached curiosity of the whole event. I don't think I'm over him yet, but I guess I'm starting to get a grip and move on with it. As for KM, I feel oddly detached from him too. Everything is pleasant, but not exciting or passionate. I suppose that is a good thing too as passion has given me nothing but trouble and heartache.

I did pick a few things up from Texas. Trav's appreciation for anime. I'm totally obsessed with the Avatar right now. And also looking at a few other series that I watched with him at night. And more gaming titles. Cammy was not pleased with the fact that Trav gave me the 'anime' bug. Because that meant she was the odd one out when it came to what to watch on the telly. Although Trav and I butted heads when it came to SYTYCD - he hates it, while I wanted to watch it live instead of waiting for it on youtube.

So I'm back home. And feeling like my vacation ended a little too soon.

The Second Half...

2009-08-10T07:32:00.001+04:00

I have been off the radar as I'm enjoying the last few days of my lovely vacation. I so do not want to go back, but *sigh* bills must be paid and college funds must be saved.

I am currently blogging while Trav, his best bud and gf are playing some game on the Xbox. Cammy is being mommy-like and cleaning and laundrying and the ilk. I should be packing but I couldn't be bothered. I'll do it eventually.

Oh, I headed to Florida for about 3 days to visit a blogger friend of mine - Karen over at The Pitfalls of Life. It's something I have never ever done - just decide to go meet someone I've ever known online, that too in a completely different country.

Anyhow, I hardly slept and was severely dehydrated the night before I flew down to Melbourne. Having Al and gf over meant that we were mostly at home to sleep - else we were out doing stuff, being places. That included Six Flags, Kobe Steaks and even going to my first ever rodeo. It was non-stop fun. We wanted to experience a 'night of sin' for experience sake - Al's gf and I have never gone to a gambling place nor gone to a 'gentleman's club' so there were plans of heading out of state to try that.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, we were all so tired from the non-stop going out that we chose to spend the day in and have our own 'night of sin' with playing cards, monopoly money and home-made cocktails. So that ended by 2am and I decided to just sleep on the couch for about an hour or so and then head to the airport.

The flights went smooth and I land in Melbourne by about 12 to a rather sunny, hot, humid day. I'm homeeeeee again in Dubai - Except there were the real weird palm trees instead of the date trees. And too many white folks compared to Dubai, with hardly any Arabs. Karen and her kid were there to greet me and we went straight to breakfast at Sun on the Beach. Yes, I was actually starved and a bit loopy from the lack of sleep.

We finally reached the flat and I got to see all the fuzzies!!!! Regulars will know just how much I adore cats and to be in a house surrounded by five of them - heaven. One actually stayed put on my suitcase for the entire duration of the my stay:

They also got a bunny the same day I arrived. The bunny was cute, but skittish because it was in a new place surrounded by 5 cats, a dog and a hamster. So after a while, it became known as Pyscho bunny because of the racket it would make every time the dog came close to sniff it.

The first day was pretty relaxing - had mudslides and watched movies and had girlie-time. Second day was pretty neat. Met her other daughter and her fiance. Had some awesome cheese fondue while getting creamed by K2 on the Wii.

We also exchanged recipes, with me teaching her how to make Chicken 007 and Chickpeas, while she taught me how to make Steak au Poivre.

The last day was the busiest, but also the one where I had many blond moments. The best one was while driving on the road. We were near a junction when Karen goes: "What does the sign mean?". I look up and see the No U-turn sign and say "No U-turn", wondering why she was asking me that. Karen blinks at me a few times, laughs and then points again, after which I see a bumper sticker on the car that was a circle with a triangle inside (which we later found out was for AA). Oops.

By the time my mini-trip to Florida was up, I was very sad to leave Karen - and the cats. They were just so sweet and adorable. Came back to Texas where the adventure began.

They say when it rains, it pours. I arrived Dallas by 2 in the afternoon, where Trav would pick me up. Unfortunately, things came up at work so I had to wait at the airport till 5pm. I found a bookstore at the terminal and spent my time till then, although all I wanted to do was change into my PJs and crawl into bed. Then Trav's truck's tyre burst on the highway, which meant he couldn't pick me up and Cammy didn't have her car. So I had to figure out a way to get from the airport to the train station near her workplace where we could meet up. Never having done that before, I panicked but somehow managed to find a shuttle to the train station and the rendezvous point. Cammy met me and we headed to a bus station that would take her to the car park where she parked her car. While waiting for the final bus it started raining. And the scene looked quite pathetic. Two rather grown women sitting rather dejectedly under a tiny umbrella with damp cloth bags and a trolley bag. I was glad that the day was over after it did.

And the remaining days have gone like a blur and tonight is my last night. Boohoo. Back to the grind. And I end up being on the morning shift for a week before shifting to night for Ramadan. Not pleased about that either. I have been in touch with KM, but he just annoyed me for the most part. I hope things get better when I land in Dubai.

Anyway, off to spend my last few moments with my best bud. See you back in Dubai.

Kobe Steaks and Six Flags...

2009-07-31T19:16:00.000+04:00

The past few days have been rather busy. Yesterday even more so. Ever since Al (Cam's bro) arrived with his gal, we've been doing nothing but going out and having fun. That's kinda what happens whenever he's thrown into the mix - we end up seeing alot more of the place than usual.

Wednesday night saw us having a semi-formal dinner at Kobe Steaks. I've never been to a hibachi grill before so this was definitely an experience to try. I should see what hibachi grills are available in Dubai check them out. Anyway, back to Kobe. We land there and have a few drinks at the bar before being seated for dinner. Trav said he'd refuse to let me have my steak well done as Kobe beef is meant be had at least at medium to taste the juiciness and softness of the meat. Cammy reassured me that I should try it medium as she never has anything below well done and that she's tried medium and it was amazing. So I threw caution to the wind and got my steak done medium. Ok, I compromised. I got it medium-well. It still tasted awesome.

The coolest thing was of course the personal chef that cooked everything in front of us. Another thing was when he piled the onion rings on top of each other and made an onion volcano:

The whole of yesterday was spent at Six Flags. I haven't been to an amusement park since high school so I was really excited about going. We tried all the dizzying, stomach-clenching roller coasters and rides while our stomachs were still empty. Some of the other patrons weren't as smart and threw on the rides, which meant a longer wait while the clean-up crew did their job.

The best ride was the Aquaman Splashdown. We thought we had gotten pretty drenched by the final plunge, but that was nothing compared to standing on the bridge overlooking the ride. If we had any dry spot left on us after the ride, we certainly didn't after the bridge. But it was a sunny day so we didn't mind much and we got to dry off eventually. We stopped for lunch and I got a foot-long corn dog. I love corn dogs and for the most part I can eat them as they tend to be pure beef or pure chicken. I sat out for the remaining rollercoasters as I knew my stomach wouldn't stay still after eating on those rides. So the others went for those as I wandered the arcade and fairground games. I won a few toys on darts and races. I really wanted to win a guitar, but the games that were there for them were too hard, even with Trav playing. We later saw the 'test your strength' games and got Trav on them - him being the big, strong man. And he got himself a Batman cape, after which he kept on telling everyone "I am the Batman" and running around like a little kids.

Our entire group probably lost 10-15 years of maturity over the day. But who cares? It was sooo much fun! We also got to see the "Glow in the Park" parade, which is similar to that Disney parade.

Overall, it's been going good so far and it's only going to get better!

Singlesville vs Couplesville

2009-07-30T10:41:00.000+04:00

Cammy's bro and gf came this morning. It made for a rather exciting day. I thought things would be awkward, considering what happened last summer in Chicago. But it was as if it never happened. And his gf is totally sweet - and we have so much in common.

Although it does get a bit awkward with me being the fifth wheel between both couples. For the most part, I think I held my own and I felt included in most things. Still is a bit awkward though. And realizing the oh-so-subtle changes in our friendship. They're not bad things, nor are they good things. It's life. I'm still trying to find my way through in life, whereas she has met her soulmate, settled down and somehow managed to get things together. Of course, her life isn't perfect. But she's moved on to a different phase in life, while I'm still stuck in mine.

I'm still mucking it out in Singles-ville, while she's joined the elite community of Couples-ville. Thankfully I get along with both of them else it would be too much like Bridget Jones, me being Bridget of course. Things aren't so bad as some may have it - the curse of the Happily Married and Rather Smug Couples. I guess I feel a little sad, insecure and lonely when I'm the only single person amongst my dearly loved friends. It's bittersweet really.

It also makes me realize how lonely I feel even with KM. We've been in touch on occasion. He says he misses me, but I feel like he says that mostly because he hasn't had any action recently and his only source is currently sitting in US. For the rather obtuse, that person would be me. I miss him too, yet not enough to feel bad about it. When I see the way the men look at their women here, Trav with Cammy, Al with his girl - it makes me happy for them, yet envious. Envious because I wish for someone to love me that way. To have that care and concern in his eyes for me. And the person who did - is gone now. Not dead, but as good as dead. Maybe worse. So close, yet so far. I realized before leaving that P is a lost cause. There is no hope with him and I need to move on.

I don't want to feel like a cranky, depressed, jaded and bitter old maid. But sometimes it really tugs my heart strings and makes me feel so pitiful and hopeless watching people moving on while I'm still nowhere close to being anywhere.

Chilling...

2009-07-28T06:42:00.000+04:00

Today was a pretty awesome day. One reason was because the plumbers came and fixed most of the leaky issues. Two, because it rained. Although Cammy might disagree with me, but I generally love rain. I guess she has her reasons - there's plans to go to Six Flags and the forecast says there might be rain till this weekend.

Online vitriol still blows me away. How people can be so mean without justifiable provocation or reason - it truly astounds me. Like a comment wishing my plane would crash on a previous post. I obviously didn't publish it.

I also had a pretty awesome time with Trav. We have similar interests in animation and gaming. Although he's a more hard-core anime fan and gamer. He generally kicks my ass in any game. So it was a really awesome surprise when I realized I was more experienced in one game - Fable 2. So it was fun helping him out in the game. Cammy isn't much a gaming type. So she felt a bit out of place.

Trav is like the bro-in-law I wish I had. And he's like family to me already - Cammy's my soul sista - been together 16 years and counting. So I now have a brother :)

*sigh* I truly wish I could stay back here. I feel so relaxed and free. But those bills won't pay themselves and that savings won't save by itself so *sigh* back to the grindhouse after this.

Holiday...

2009-07-26T16:46:00.000+04:00

Finally have internet access and breathing room to blog.

It was my first time traveling biz on Emirates so I thought I'd might as well milk it for what its worth. P dropped me off at the biz section of Terminal 3. It looked more like a hotel than an airport check-in area. Got my boarding pass and headed to the lounge to check it out. Really luxurious place. Chilled for an hour, then picked up the chocs Cammy's mom asked me to pick up for them and headed to my flight. Oh, and I had breakfast at the lounge too. It was yummy. Because I was biz, everything went smoothly. No rush, I was first in line for most queues and I was treated pretty well. I could stretch completely in my seat, watched alot of movies I missed and had some delightful food. It was an awesome experience.

Landed in IAH (Houston), passed through immigration really quick (thanks to being on biz class and being offloaded first) and then got my suitcase within minutes. Went to get my borading pass for my connecting flight and then chilled at the food court in the terminal. And saw a lil birdie - sparrow perhaps?:

The flight was fifty minutes or so and everything went smooth.

So I'm now sitting pretty in Texas, enjoying my vacation and staying with my best friend and hubby. Her hubby. I'm still single and have awful luck with men remember? Anyhow, I'm the first guest in her new and first house and well..... it's certainly been interesting.

Cammy says the house hates her. It's quite the fixer-upper. I'm not the fussy type and I kinda prepared myself for things to be a little - how do I put this politely? - difficult? They're vacuuming the carpet because a pipe is leaking and soaking the carpet. The water is switched on only for a few hours to get the essentials done to prevent further seepage. Hopefully when the plumber arrives it will be fixed. And there are a few other things - but lets not go there. But I'm just super glad to see my best bud - I've missed her terribly.

And things get even better. Al (her bro) will be coming on Wednesday with gf in tow and Cammy and Trav (that's her hubby) will hopefully get time off and we'll have like a super fun filled few days before I fly off to Florida this coming Sunday for a few days. Oh, did I mention Florida? Uh-huh. I'm heading down there to meet up with a a dear blogger friend of mine. More on that later.

Anyway, my battery is dying and I haven't bought an adapter for my laptop charger yet. It's rather annoying that the plugs are different. I think everything in America is different just to piss all the other countries off.

I Is Listed!

2009-07-21T19:06:00.000+04:00

Plesantville...

2009-07-20T03:55:00.000+04:00

Today was a public holiday. Not for me though. I'm not complaining - I volunteered working and getting an extra day added to my 'lieu day' collection. Plus, it was the first time I would be working solo with umm...the dude. I should give him a nickname. How about KM? Yep, KM shall do for now.

Anyway, things have been - how should I put it? - really exciting, yet nerve-racking. It feels nice to be appreciated, attractive, desired, etc. And no, that doesn't happen very often with me. So unless the guy is an absolute jerk, loser, Freddy Kruger, creep etc - I'm flattered. I wouldn't call KM handsome, but I do feel charmed by him. I feel comfortable I suppose. I think we are good friends - have a similar taste in music (more on that later), similar interests and he seems genuinely interested in being around me.

The hitch though is that I think he wants just the friendship, with a few extra sides. What do I want? To be honest, I'm clueless at the moment. There has been a very big, gigantic vacuum left behind by P. I'm still friends with him, but I need my space right now to be able to lick my wounds, move on and reach the point where my main feelings are that of friends. Till then, I'm sadly very alone. And KM fills that void left behind just a little. It's easy too - we work together, see each other four nights a week - we don't have the same days off except Thursday.

Back to today. It was really, really pleasant. I came to an empty office - I forgot that a public holiday meant everyone was off besides the paper people and us. So I sit and begin the mountain load of work in front of me. KM came after about 15 minutes, which surprised me as he never comes early. I came early because I had loads of work. He said he got bored at home. OK.

Anyhow, nothing naughty happened the entire day. It was just two friends getting the work done and doing it at a leisurely pace. Talked about anything and everything. And I kept playing old hits - soothing, slightly mushy, Hindi and English classics. We have similar tastes, although mine is slightly more wider and eccentric than his. And we could have finished faster if I also did some publishing, but he wouldn't let me. He said he didn't mind the extra time as he got to enjoy my company for longer.

Overall, a really nice, serene evening. Pleasant. Want a snippet of the type of songs I played?:

If you can get past the really tacky 90's clothes and cheesy stuff, the songs are awesome.

Solitude...

2009-07-17T22:04:00.000+04:00

I'm a bit pissy today, but I guess I'm ok. I wanted to be alone - and also be alone with a particular person. So I made up my mind to go ahead with the plan today - regardless of whether he comes or not. Although I wish he would. But part of me knows he probably won't come. Tired from a camping trip with buddies yesterday.

Said we'll meet up anyway at work. Yep, I know that. But I still would have liked to meet him out of work anyway. I have less than a week before my trip and I haven't really finished packing. Although I probably should get cracking.

Someone told me guys hmm and haw at making any plans until last minute because they don't want to see someone (read me) get pissy if the plan gets canceled last minute. But it doesn't they didn't want to be with me or not want to make plans. That just infuriates me. I like making plans because it puts me in a mindset. If its a no, I can just get on with it, although I will be a bit pissy because I'd have liked to spend time with whoever it was. Whatever.

It's quite pathetic and disgusting to realise I have such few friends that having my weekend free and wanting to hang out with someone relies on such a few number. And at the moment, just one. I truly manage to surprise myself - in nasty ways.

I'm just going to dress up gorgeous and be cold at work tomorrow. Serves him right. Let him see what he missed.

Boring stuff...

2009-07-15T22:48:00.000+04:00

One more working week to go before my vacation. Woooooot!

I've realised I haven't finished shopping for everyone. I haven't even started. Aaaaaaaaa - it's finally hit me. I have to also collect stuff from my friends and her folks as tomorrow is her birthday.

I'm taking my comp to the shop tomorrow. I can't stay for too long without my PC, or the internet (yes, I am addicted). Plus, this is the last weekend before I leave and I have to have it up and running for my mom while I'm away.

That's all. My brain is dead. Good night.

The H-word...

2009-07-13T18:51:00.000+04:00

I’m in a happy mood today. I was in a good mood yesterday. It’s highly unusual for me, being the forever depressed, tortured soul. My morbid outlook in life hasn’t changed, but I still feel *gasp* happy. The dreaded H-word.

I generally just stick my hand in the closet and pull out whatever my hand gets – mostly some ratty, but matching, pair of undergarments, a T-shirt and jeans. Brush my teeth, wash my face, slap some deo on and head to work. Nope, I don’t even use a toner, moisturizer or sunscreen lotion anymore. And yes, my eyebrows have united again and I can give Elvis a run for his money on the sideburns department. Must head to salon and defuzz myself soon. I’d probably lose a kilo or two after the process.

But I actually wore something besides a T-shirt today. And put make-up on. What am I turning into? The horror…

In other news, something kinda happened. I’m not sure if I should spill the beans yet, but it is about a guy. It feels good, flattering even, but it’s all a bit confusing. Due to my personal biases from the past. Many things are against him: I work with him, worse in my department, my shift. He’s Pakistani. Ok, before the whole racist thing comes up, let me say that I’ve seemed to date the rule rather the exception when it comes to Paki guys. The type that either want a good time, or want a good time but prefer to lie about it. And also the apparent helplessness in ‘marriage’ – they do what their parents want. Well, let’s just say I avoid them like the plague as much as possible, but I can’t seem to avoid getting into some form of a relationship with them. So yea, my workplace, Paki – not a good combo for me. Or my heart. But it feels so good to be noticed. And at the risk of sounding like a terrible person, I so crave the attention, being noticed.

People at work noticed me. Many compliments about looking good, whether a man is behind my sudden ‘emergence’, and even someone blurting out “You have hair!” (I generally tie my hair into a tight bun).

Name that blog...

2009-07-12T17:27:00.000+04:00

I'm starting up a sort of 'serious' blog of sorts - a place to begin writing proper articles, fiction and otherwise. The reason behind it is to go beyond my personal, whiny self (this blog will remain) and actually write something good enough to be published on black and white. And to build up my writing portfolio for college. That's what I love about new media - it's a great opportunity to start publishing on a shoe-string budget. Who knows where else I might go with this.

Anyway, I'm right now still working on designing the site. I need a better name though. I've for the time being left it at "The Column". What I have in my head is that this new blog will be a general topic thing - from current affairs, to reviews, any topic that catches my fansy. Kinda like an editor's page/column, or just an opinion column. Some ideas I've come up with are:

Mars-speak
Greetings from Mars (?)
...From Mars (??)
Mars on Earth
Martian Media (??!!)

...and other ridiculous titles. I've never been good with titles actually. I've always just written my paper first and added the title after it was done. So, I'm now relinquishing titling my blog up to the very few blog readers I have. What should I christen my new blog with?

Drama...

2009-07-11T19:29:00.000+04:00

This weekend has been a rather roller-coaster of a weekend.

First off, I went to go see HSM2: On Stage as my neighbour Kay is acting in it. The main and only reason I would go. My sister was supposed to join me, until she got to have the rare opportunity of spending time with her son (more on that later). The box-office people wouldn't allow kids 3 and under (my nephew is 2), and even if we did manage to pass him off as a year older, we had to buy another ticket at full price (which sucks) so my sister bailed out. I don't blame her - it was all good. The only issue was who could I possibly drag to the play at 7:30pm on Thursday? Most of my friends finish work by 6pm, assuming that they would be willing to come, and they'd never want to hurry themselves to make it. Plus being within a shopping mall, parking would be hell.

Which left me only one choice: my mother. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to take my mother. But convincing her to go anywhere beyond grocery shopping is like trying to coax a reluctant pet to go to the vet. Yes, that painful. After alot of begging and pleading, she agreed. Until I told her we'd leave early to get some decent parking. By 5.30pm perhaps. She balked. I said fine, if you don't want to leave early, we can take a cab - I'll pay for it. She said no to that too. Then I said my sister can drop us there, and we'll only have to take a cab one-way - on me again. Nope.

Finally, to bend over backwards for my mom, my sister came up with a plan. She would follow me to MoE (a 40min trip), I'd park my car and come back with her. Then, we'd leave in time for the show, and then we could drive back home in my already-parked car.

Which meant I had to leave immediately - it was 4.30 already. So, I quickly showered, got dressed and left.

5.30pm: Reached MoE and parked. Also collected the tickets.

5.45pm: Stopped at a petrol station to pick up food. I hadn't eaten since the evening before and I was starved. I woke up at 4pm to all this drama so I was preoccupied.

6.00pm: Finally hit the road. Evening traffic jam. Fuck.

6.30pm: Reach her hubby's place to pick up kid. There's no time to relax - going to just go straight back to MoE after picking mom up.

6.45pm: Pick mom and proceed to drive like a maniac to reach on time.

7.30pm: Reached in the nick of time. I leave my car keys in my sister's car.

7.40pm: My sister drives back to give me my key.

The show begins just as I get back with the key. I was too strung-out to truly enjoy the show. But I spot my neighbour and I settle in to watch. The show ends by 10pm, and I herd my mom to the car before she starts whining. Yes, it's that bad. I haven't had time to clean my car due my night shifts and my mom begins. I snapped by this point and tell her to shut up or she can take a cab home. I tell her this is the reason I don't want to do anything on the weekend with her - because anything we do is a rather painful exercise.

Example was going to watch Up recently. We didn't get ticket's for the 6pm show, and she didn't want to wait for the 8pm. Things got so crazy that we had to go home for just 15 minutes, only to head back to make it on time for the 8pm show. And whine, whine, whine all the way back and forth.

And then she complains about me not wanting to go out with her. *sigh*

On the other half of the weekend, I got spend time with my adorable lil munchkin. Although I wasn't used to him crying when he can't find his mommy - because she's taking a shower, or in the bathroom. I realised I'd be a horrid mommy if I can't even console a crying kid.

Very dramatic weekend.